I'm sitting here listening to the daughter I could not get to finish her dinner even if I offered to pay her, and I did sort of pay her because after dinner she got an orange dreamsicle.
She is laying in bed an hour after her bedtime screaming, repeatedly "I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry, I am so hungry."
I feel like there's a lot to think about here...she only wants to eat because she doesn't want to go to bed. She has seriously convinced herself that she is starving, even though that's physically impossible given the number of snacks she had tonight, followed by dinner, followed by dessert. But I feel like I've so been there, in that place where you convince yourself there is only one thing you need, nothing else will do. If I don't put some food in my full belly right now I will starve to death.
It's amazing how the mind works. I feel sad that these mind tricks are usually ones that trick me before I even get the chance to use them to my benefit. "I can't see him, can't bear to see him, can't handle the thought of even looking at him."
When really I would be so much better off if I could use that single mindedness in my favor. Like Esme I become convinced beyond reason of one thing, completely tuning out the sane voices saying things like: "next time we won't get to go have dinner with our friends if you can't eat enough there to make sure you're full." "next time instead of dessert I'll just have to make sure you finish your healthy food so that your stomach is filled up." "The more times you see him the easier it will be, looking at him will remind you that he is not the same person you loved."
Instead I focus on those crazy voices. The ones that just keep my brain running in silly circles it's definitely a method of avoidance. If I can focus on this one bad part of my situation I won't even have to think about the rest.
As soon as I went and laid down with Esme her screams stopped and there was not even a mention of hunger. The only thing she did mention was how she's "lonely when I am not there."
I guess really that's what it comes down to. There are ways in our lives in which we are all lonely, fearful, unsure. If we can just keep those other voices going loud enough maybe we will forget that we are often alone. Maybe if we find something bigger to focus on that one big fear will dim.
I find it amazing that it starts so young, this fear of being alone, or maybe it's more amazing that it carries on for so much of our lives. In any case, it seems to be a theme. What is your biggest fear? (Are you like me and it's loneliness?) How do you battle your fears? Do you have a successful method or are we trying to drown out the voices together?
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