8 years ago today

I was a blushing bride...well probably not blushing. But excited, a bit nervous and very, very joyous.
Flash forward and the pit in the bottom of my stomach, has no butterflies fluttering gently, it's only there because of the letter I received today spelling out my divorce lawyers legal fees.
Is there some sort of law (no pun intended, really I didn't even catch it 'til the proof-read) that these things must take place in such a way as to produce the most possible irony and angst?
I held it together pretty well until the end of the day, when I realized my lawyers retainer was going to cost me more than my entire wedding. I know he's a great lawyer and well worth every penny, and it's not his fault I had a pretty tiny do-it-yourself wedding. But you know, this too adds to the irony.
It felt right to sink every penny into something I wanted so badly 8 years ago. But to sit here today and force myself to sink every penny I have (and some I don't) into something I don't even want is the most painful part of all. I know I can't sit aside and wait for him to do it, but today, I feel frustrated more than ever about my role in the relationship as the one who gets everything done.

All I'm feeling today is sad, and ill. We got home from work and today of all days Esme decided the game we needed to play was "put on your prettiest dress because we're going to a wedding." I tried to play along and I have to admit the game got a little easier when she decided it was a swimsuit wedding but she was the only one who got to wear a swimsuit because she was special. Thankfully then I could laugh a little bit, enjoy the beautiful tiara she put on my head and play along.
It wasn't until she reached into our bag of pretties and pulled out the diamondy clip I wore in my hair at my wedding, and proclaimed it breathlessly, 'the most beautiful tiara', that I finally said:
"You know Esme 8 years ago today I got to go to my wedding."
"Did you wear a beautiful dress?" she asked
"yes of course," she sat next to me staring raptly and said "where do you keep it?"
"well", I said "I guess it's in daddy's basement now, but we'll get it back and I'll show it to you some day."

Tonight during their phone call her daddy proudly told her that his new chickens were in the basement eating food and drinking water...all I could think is, that somehow is a fitting scenario for my wedding dress on my wedding day. Down in the basement with the chickens.