Calamity Jennye

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm not sure you can understand how funny this was in my head...I swear it was.

One of the things that was the biggest adjustment in moving to a town this small was the banking.
People write checks for everything and...(get this) you can walk into the bank, up to a teller, and say "hi I'm Jennye Ashcroft and I'd like to withdraw $100 from my account."
(Now mind you I had just moved here and these people really did not know me from Adam. I had never met them.)
They would just hand me the money, no questions asked, no id required...weirdest thing ever!!

So back when "his best friend" was actually my best friend she was here visiting us.
I was still adjusting to this banking phenomenon and as we walked into the bank one day I said "watch this!"
She too was shocked and we spent the rest of the visit laughing about it, how really she could just walk in, say my name and take all my money!

It just occurred to me today what happened after that visit. I think she thought everything in Grand Marais worked that way. It's a small town, midwesterners are friendly, we seem like we would be happy to share.

I think this time she got confused, walked into my house, said "Hi I'm Jennye Ashcroft, I'd like to withdraw one husband please."

Damn obliging midwesterners...she's walking away with more than just my money.

 See...I had to go and make it all sad...I couldn't just end with the funny.
That's the day I'm waiting for. The day I can look at this all and end with the funny.

Monday, March 28, 2011

A Grim Fairytale indeed

I feel like my brain won’t shut off lately. I’ve been doing so much thinking.
At bedtime, in the middle of the night, before I want to wake up in the morning, while driving, while working….I think you get the picture.
I just keep going over and over the same things. There are so many angles and, of course I keep finding new regrets, new ways to beat myself up.
Then I decide there’s no value in that, determine I can make peace with myself, that things aren’t going to get better until I just accept them and move on.
So, you know, I’m there, somewhere in the middle, trapped between, “it’s no big deal, marriages just end” and “what the fuck?”.
See me there? It’s not pretty so you might not want to look too closely.
The main thing I can’t get over is how I let things get this out of control. I’m not a passive person. I know how to stand up for myself, take care of myself, I am a successful businesswoman, part of which required holding people accountable, many people at all levels of organizations. 

I just never transferred this home. I so badly wanted my husband to be happy, wanted to have a happy marriage that I stopped holding him accountable for his actions. I told myself his happiness was more important than me. I decided it was easier to not have the tough conversations, to tell myself that things weren’t so bad, that it wasn’t what I thought, maybe if I just ignored it, it would even go away.
His lack of interest in any family activities, his inappropriate relationships, his need for 4 hours of alone time every day, his irrational anger when I made any decision he didn't agree with (coupled with his refusal to make decisions), his ability to drink every drop of liquor in the house.
I know better than all this, problems of this magnitude don't just go away. So I can’t figure out how I let it happen.

I expected marriage to be work, and I worked hard. I’m just disappointed with myself for letting some of the important things slip by. For not addressing them. For letting my anger at things build until I couldn’t address issues reasonably, all I could do was vent my anger.

I guess the only thing left is to walk away with a lesson (I have a three year old can you tell?)
So the moral for this marriage:

If you’re afraid to talk about it, there’s probably a reason. A reason that is not going to just go away by itself.
Bring it up, discuss it, be honest about your fears. All you've got to lose is everything and that will disappear anyway when the problems finally become so big you can't ignore them anymore.

(or as David Wilcox says, in a moral friendly length “Start with the ending, it’s the best way to begin.”)

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sharin' the Love

I've heard this song on the Pandora station at work lately and I've just been loving it.
Thought I'd try to end the week on a more positive note (no pun intended).

Don't mind the girl dancing...or do cause it's beautiful and all that. It's just the only link I could find to the song.

Here's Catherine Feeny singing Hush Now 

Enjoy! and have a great weekend!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Like freeze tag but with a lot more punching

I'm not sure exactly how to describe the state I've been in over the past couple days.
I had a rough week last week although I couldn't really identify why I couldn't sleep and couldn't settle down. I had a really rough weekend...too much love in the air and family time (other families).
Had a total meltdown Sunday night I actually literally cannot remember what triggered it. Good thing I have this blog since I'm pretty sure I wrote about it.
Then Monday I started getting sick thanks to all that fun I'd been having last week. I really thought that was when the week would have to start getting better. Boy was I wrong!
It's only gotten worse. Worse and worse and yet still worse, until today. Today was great, I was a pacing, crying, panicky mess of nerves, and that was just the work part of the day.

I really, really hate feeling that way. I don't like feeling out of control, especially when it comes to emotions. I don't like feeling unsure of the proper response for a situation. I really don't like being forced into a situation where there is no proper response because the situation itself is so F#*^ed up.
More than anything though I don't like my husbands ability to take these situations and manipulate them so that I end up feeling guilty!
The one bright side in today's situation is that that part of his plan didn't work.

After all the drama yesterday over the realization that "his best friend" was coming to town for a week. After the increased drama when I was ridiculous enough to say that our daughter would not be spending the night in the same house as them, he never responded to let me know his plan for tonight.

You see Thursday is a Daddy night for Esme. My goal was not to take that away so, reasonable as I usually am, I let him know he could still have his night with Esme. "His best friend" would just have to stay somewhere else. And then I left it up to him to decide. "Decide what his priorities were" is the line I believe I used.
When I still hadn't heard by noon today what his priorities were I started to get nervous. I texted him to find out and that was when he informed me that his lost time with his daughter was "on my head".

see it? see the manipulation...I know it's so subtle...shocking that it took me 11 years to really lock onto it huh? If only we could play life in slo-mo and freeze those oh-so crucial scenes, invite some friends over to strategize the proper response. (maybe while peeing, thanks alyssa!)

But finally, Fi-Na-Ly I can say that I caught it before it caught me.
I do not feel a bit guilty.
He cannot have his cake and eat it too. (I feel sure there's a really bad new girlfriend joke in there somewhere but I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that later).

If he won't do the responsible thing for our daughter I sure as hell will. I even picked her up from daycare early just to preempt any attempt on his part to avoid a confrontation.
He still managed to avoid the confrontation of course. But boy did my little act of determination feel good!

I heard through the grapevine that the family we're staying with had a little meeting today and decided I need Anger Acquisition Therapy. I thought that was hilarious! Anyone know a good program for that?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What is the value of a proportional response?

My goal is to be happy. I want my husband to find happiness. I want us both to be able to create healthy environments where we raise our daughter.
This is truly and honestly, deep down, what I want. In reality I know it's going to take a little time to get there.
What I did not expect was being forced to confront his version of happiness without me before we've even discussed divorce.
There are many things I've found surprising as we've gone through this separation process.
I think it's important to share that my husband's parents divorced in our first year of marriage. His Dad left his mom and a year later married one of her best friends. That was a very formative experience for my husband. He didn't speak to his dad for almost two years because of his anger that his dad refused to go to counseling or even attempt (in my husband's eyes) to save his marriage.
The first response my husband had to the whole situation was to say to me "We will never let that happen to us. We have to make sure we always communicate so that we never end up where they are."

Well...flash forward to 8 years later. Here we are and boy are the parallels astounding. My husband was the one who decided he didn't have the energy for counseling, didn't have the energy for our marriage. Not a shocking decision given that he had checked out of the family at least a year earlier. I still think back over the last few years often...they were rough (and I think that may even be an understatement) but there were good times. And often even in the midst of bad times my husband was always the first one to remind me that he loved me. I wish it didn't but that makes everything so hard.
I know I haven't stopped loving him. I can't even imagine how you just stop loving someone. But how can he so easily act like he has no feelings left, like our marriage, our family didn't even matter?

So, why do I think he's acting like none of it mattered? "His best friend" the one I mentioned here, is flying in today to spend a week with him.
He was shocked over the realization that I was not going to let our daughter spend the night in the same house with him and "his best friend".
I feel a bit shocked over the depth of hurt and betrayal I feel by the two of them.

I tend to react to most things very rationally and continually search for the proportional response.
This feels to me like an instance where there is no proportional response, an instance where you find yourself saying what does that even mean?
Have you ever watched that West Wing episode where Martin Sheen wants to blow the bad guys to Kingdom come? Wants a disproportional response? I feel that way every other minute...
Like this is an instance where I learn yet again my husband's ability to take advantage of my even-tempered handling of past situations. Like I need to blow up already!

(I'm just realizing how bad this is. Whenever I'm hurt my immediate reaction is to say I never want someone to feel this. How can I talk to them about this but insure they don't feel as bad I feel right now?
This feels different. I do want them to feel as bad as I feel right now.
well, just even feels horrible to type that. I want them to feel it, but just for a minute and then I want them to go on and be happy, and let me be happy, and can't we all just get along?)

Ohhhh this is going to be a long and painful process!

If she were truly my friend at all she would have told me about this visit. If this visit were innocent he would have told me about it before he was absolutely forced to.

Even if it is innocent, we are still married, my husband has chosen to spend a week with another woman, I am devastated.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I will not be Undone

"If you want to destroy my sweater...
Pull this thread as I walk away"

A work friend was trying to remember the lyrics to this song today and it just felt so appropriate!
Plus way too catchy and I've been singing it ever since.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hold tight to your family

Today I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.
I have had lots of zen days about this whole thing but over the last two days I've really hit a downward spiral.
I can't quite put my finger on where it started but there are a few things that have all contributed.

A big part of my concern stems from spending the last month reading this great blog. I started at the beginning (2001) and I've been reading all the way through. She makes me laugh out loud, has a dog that looks a lot like Francis, and a little girl (well two now). She also does a lot of talking about her struggle with depression, her honesty has opened my eyes in a lot of  ways to what I think my husband has been dealing with throughout our marriage. I feel like I've been pretty understanding and concerned and supportive at the right points. But really I have to be honest and say I'm not sure I have been enough.
I know that I put up with a lot in our marriage, took care of a lot, was a very patient spouse. But lately I wonder. I'm sure that we never talked about my husband's depression as much as we should have. Mostly that's because he didn't want to. That's what leads to my concern. Should I have ensured we had those conversations. Did I really do enough to support him where mental illness is concerned?
I've struggled with that question a lot, over the years and especially over the last few weeks. I thought I had come to a good conclusion:
I did everything I was able to do on my own. The difference between my husband and Heather (the woman from the blog) is that she was willing to ask for help. She knew she didn't want to feel the way she did, she knew her family was the most important thing to her and she actively sought out the help she needed. My husband, for the most part did not make these decisions. I could not force him into help, could not force him to choose his family or make healthy decisions.
I was feeling pretty good with that rationale until Friday night when I read a blog posting by Heather's husband. This post just left me sad. It left me convinced I didn't do enough. Didn't find out enough about the medication he was taking, exactly why he was taking it, what he needed from me.
Up until now I've been convinced that I truly did everything I could have to save my marriage. Now I'm not so sure.
I don't want to go back to where we were. I refuse to go back to where we were. I also can't walk away with all this on my mind and heart.

I've dealt with a lot of change in my life and there is always a moment of concern, fear, confusion in the midst of any change. The only way I've ever found to successfully move through those moments is to address them head on. In this case I think that means sitting down and having a conversation. I'm not sure I can continue to move on, to feel good about the decision I'm making until I at least address this.
I was just looking back over Dooce's blog to see if I could find a posting that would help you understand why she has had me thinking so much about this.
Here is the one that almost does me in every time.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Not Disposable (but boy would it help if I came with a charger)

I slept horribly this whole week....weird dreams, hours awake in the middle of the night mulling over all this change.
This is simply not me. I can sleep anytime, anywhere and usually for any amount of time.
Last night I was actually sleeping better when this morning I awoke from a dream that my husband was dating someone new.
You'd think that would be enough but nooo...she was a ditzy blonde, controlling and not friendly, and if all of that weren't enough.
She'd convinced him to move to Southern California...all I could think about in my dream was how I've always wanted to move to Southern California and he denied the idea every could this even be fair.

It's not...I guess that's the main answer in life. They may have SoCal but they'll also have to have each other.
Then this morning the whole problem was wiped out of my mind when I got the news that Esme spent the morning throwing up, I had to work all day and she was with her Babka, it felt miserable to not be there for her. I stopped by the house to take her some ginger ale, saltines and pedia lite.

We cuddled on the couch for a few minutes before I had to go back to work and Esme said (in her breathless super excited voice)
"Do you know what? Tonight is a mommy night!"
I know I said, and I'm so excited.
"Daddy also told me that...after tonight...tomorrow is a mommy day, is it true?"
(There is just nothing better than this.)
And of course I've performed valiantly during our mommy night.
The Dora ballet special we had tevoed, ice cream for dessert (sherbert for the one with a still delicate tummy), and a movie.
Then at the end of the movie (Free Willy, just to help you understand) I actually broke down crying.
"Why are you sad Mama? Are you sad the movie is over?"
"No honey, I'm not sad at all (gulp, sniff)"
"Then why are you crying."
"I'm actually crying because I'm happy, I'm happy because I just love you so much."
"Don't worry Mama, I will always keep you."

Where did I get this kid? I just don't think she could get any better?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Daily Decision

New York may be the city so nice they named it twice...
but there really is something to be said for living in a town where I can put on pajama pants.
hop in my car with my rum beverage
and drive from one driveway to the next one for dinner with my best friend.

The Packers vs. The Steelers

I fear I have a reached a new low. And just when I thought I was doing so well.
I work right next door to the co-op in our town. In a store with big windows and from the balcony inside you can see the whole parking lot.
Today I was upstairs breaking the news to an older woman that we don't have any size 6 shoes because people up here don't have feet that small after the age of 10 (and 10 year olds just don't spend enough money).

Anyway. I was upstairs when out of the corner of my eye I saw our car pull into the parking lot. All focus was immediately gone, my. daughter. was. going. to. be. getting. out. of. that. car.

ummm, yes, you're right those $300 hand made jackets are beautiful, we (glance) love (glance) them (glance) too. And then out of the corner of my eye the flash of total pink that could only indicate one person. I got to watch her walk all the way to the co-op door.
My customers left and I immediately rushed up to the balcony. How long would they need to be inside?
I stood there, staring out the window realizing I had a lump in my throat and I was literally choking back tears.
I really thought I was doing so well, getting so much better at dealing with these daddy days.
Well clearly I was WAY off. Can this be a healthy reaction.
Just when I thought the tears would overwhelm me, out they came....they walked to the car. He reached in and put their purchase in the front seat...does this mean their coming inside to see me? Is he really going to bring her in? Happy Da - oh he's opening her door and lifting her in.
I wanted to wave with all my might...I'm here, watching you, loving you, acting insane for just a glimpse of you.
I drove home thinking about this whole experience and how I should approach daddy days based on this know trying to have rational thoughts about this clearly totally emotional situation.
And as soon as I got home my phone rang. It was Esme calling me for the second time today (the first day she's ever called me on a daddy day).
"mama I put my dress back on. I had on a skirt and a tank top but now I put my summer dress back on."
"is that all you were calling to tell me?"
"yes, I love my summer dress, Daddy and I are eating dinner."
"well go focus on dinner with daddy. I'm so glad you called me."

Meanwhile my internal monologue was going full force, as I completed my own personal touchdown dance (two phone calls on a daddy day) "I  - win, I - win, I - win, I - win...."

Clearly I've still got some issues to work through.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Parent Trap

I've gotten a lot of questions lately about how my three year old is doing with our separation. To be honest I've been amazed at her lack of questions and her ability to just go with the flow.
She doesn't seem to think it's odd that I call our old house "daddy's house" our old car "daddy's car". I've asked her a couple times if she has any questions she wants to ask me. I ask her how she feels about having only daddy OR mommy nights, no more daddy AND mommy nights.
She always tells me she doesn't have any questions, things are fine. I honestly believe her because I can see how much happier and less needy she acts. So I don't really worry. Maybe she's just like her mom and has some gene that lets her take it as it comes.

Or maybe she's just three, and doesn't read too much into anything.

In any case, we were driving home tonight and Esme said "Mama I wrote you a note on the window"
"What does it say?"
"It says,
'Dear love mama and daddy.
This is so your hearts can grow.
I love you.
Esme' That's what is says"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know, it's just a note that I wrote you. It's just for you."

Then later tonight her dad called to say good night. Esme answered the phone, talked to him, then brought me the phone.
"Hello" I said, "is it my turn?"
"I don't know, Esme said good night and handed me off"
"I know she just handed you to me? are you?"
And off we went forced into a conversation.

So I'm thinking we may not so much have a little Shirley Temple on our hands as we have a Hayley Mills, right here under our own roofs!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

It's freezing, it's freezing, I hope I don't start sneezing

I would hate to get a reputation for this sort of thing but I have to express what I'm honestly feeling.
Today we have to break up.
We had a great run.
Sure when it was fresh and new everything was beautiful and wonderful.
I love the way you transformed my world like nothing else ever had...
But really, I've never known someone who couldn't take a hint.
I've ignored you for weeks now, I've started going outside without a hat and mittens, and one day even without a coat in blatant defiance of your perseverance.
I've avoided shoveling for days hoping you would get the hint and stop coming around.

LOOK -- Just because I finally get the shovel out, that is not an invitation to come over and play!
The cursing I do as I struggle to move you off my porch...that's not cute, and I'm not trying to start a conversation.

I'm sorry snow, but it's over between us. I'm angry...A-N-G-R-Y.
Please take a hint already and just move on.
You know, maybe if you could give me 8 months or so we could try to be friends again. Start slow, see if we could talk it out...hang out every now and then.
I'm just gonna need time, and some that too much to ask?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Banner Day


I'm such a terrible little sister I can no longer remember said idea....
But I do remember it was GOOD
So mark your calendar folks, mark your calendar.
This is the day!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

just the reassurance you were looking for

My mother in law just called to tell me a story that's had her cracking up all day.

Yesterday was a Babka day for Esme, while they are in the car babka usually tells her the story of goldilocks.
Yesterday she thought she would get creative and told her Tikki-Tikki-Tembo-No-Sa-Rembo instead.
After the first telling Esme requested she tell it again.. As soon as the story ended Esme said:

"That is a REALLY boring story Babka, but don't worry, you won't ever have to tell it again!"

Sunday, March 6, 2011

At least it didn't end with a trip to the emergency room...oh wait

Monkey and I are dog sitting.
We've been here two weeks already and have one more week to go.
This weekend we have two dogs.
One of these dogs is my friend's and the other belongs to her parents. We're staying at her parents house which is "next door" to hers. Next door in the country here means a five minute walk through the woods or a quick drive up one driveway and down the one next door.
When we're all at my friends house these dogs go out for hours on end. Hours! You put them outside and hours later realize, maybe someone should go down and let them in.
While everyone's been gone these same dogs will stay outside for 10 min. MAX.
It's fine, it doesn't really matter to me, it's just that the short stints outside result in a lot of pacing on the part of one of the dogs.

Today after I put monkey down for her nap I put the dogs outside. An hour later I realized I didn't hear any scratching or barking to come back in. once I leaned outside I could hear the dogs barking in the distance but no amount of yelling would bring them home. This of course got me worried (because that's what mom's do, on a practically professional level, as far as I can tell.) worried, not only because as I've already mentioned we're out in the country (in country where you can hear the wolves every night) but also because I could hear the plows going by every time I stuck my head out the door to call for the ever barking mutts.
I really don't want to be that dog sitter where you come home and there is no dog...
Barking....that can mean trouble right?
Can't leave the sleeping child...even to run next door and see if that's where the dogs are....
Shouldn't leave the child right?
Dogs? Other peoples dogs....
The kid will be fine...leave the kid?
Can't leave the kid...dogs are fine! Dogs must be fine!

Finally the kid wakes up (still talking about exactly what she was talking about right before she went to sleep, how do they do that?). Immediately we put on coats and boots and head out to the car to go check next door for the dogs....
We jump in the car and...Nothing!  You heard it nothing....the car won't start. It's an old car and finally I did it. I turned the headlights on for the drive home from church in the snow storm and when we got home I forgot to turn them off. No problem! we're parked right outside the garage with two other cars of them must have jumper cables. jumper cables....This calls for a more thorough appraisal of the garage and perhaps a plan B or at this rate C.
Are those children's snow shoes? right on top of Adult snowshoes?  Perfect, we'll walk next door and retrieve the dogs....wait, two children's snow shoes, on top of One adult snow shoe. Who has three snowshoes and how could this get worse? Ohh....I should not have even thought that.
Okay, we can't drive, we can't walk (monkey will never make it in all this snow), what can I do...It would be so helpful if there were jumper cables somewhere in this garage, jumper cables like those ones (back up a few steps) there they are! inside that box....jumper cables.

So...just a little recap here, I've got:
*One monkey screaming in the back of my car...the car that won't start
*Two missing dogs....but at least I can hear them barking (a positive I think...)
*Three snowshoes (I'm still a bit baffled by this one...three?? snowshoes?)
*Jumper cables and two things are looking up!

Ever since this one time in college when a friend used my car and my jumper cables to jump a strangers car I'm a bit of a nervous jumper. See the result in that incident was that the strangers car started but mine then would not. Something about reversed cables and...something...and a hundred or so dollars and an unexpected tow truck ride later we finally left New Hampshire...anyway I always just get a little nervous.
So I did the logical thing and called my dad....just to clarify that I was going to do it the right way.
Where did my dad answer from you might ask? Well you would if you were psychic and had any idea that my dad answered from the emergency room!

Yes the emergency room (could this afternoon get any better). He's been sick with a bronchial problem that's not getting better and a 2 1/2 hour wait at urgent care yesterday wasn't enough for him it turns out. Anyway as a daughter who always puts others first I viewed this call as a great distraction from the no doubt torturous wait my dad was enduring and went ahead and asked my jumper cable question.
In the middle of our conversation I dropped my phone in the snow and it then decided on it's own that I wanted to be talking to my dad on a head set. (God bless technology). quick end to that conversation.
And in the middle of all of this, two rambunctious dogs came racing up to the house...
"whatcha' doin? whatcha' doin? are we getting in the car? are we going somewhere?"
I was too excited they were back to even be annoyed at their stupid questions!

So one last recap, I've now got:
*A child screaming because she wants out of the car
*Two dogs racing about being all excited that we're going on an adventure
*Still got those three? snow shoes!
*A car that won't start...but also jumper cables and another car to start it with
*A father in the emergency room

When is my nap time?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

There's a reason I own a book called How to Cook Everything

Honestly Ms. know we're not all happy housewives out here and I am appalled that you are not even able to give me some idea how long I should plan to run on the elliptical while waiting for my sweet potato to bake.

Have I mentioned that I hate daddy days? Not that my three year old knows how long to bake a potato but she can make a damn good loaf of bread so honestly...maybe she should be cooking me dinner.

Anyway, thank goodness for the online. I'll happily eat my potato cooked at 450 degrees in 20-30 min.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Goodbye or just See Ya Later?

To add insult to injury I really feel like I had to give up a friend today. Husband and I have had one friend for a few years who I think it's safe to say we are equally friends with. I think this doesn't happen very often in a marriage and it definitely has it's up and down sides. He doesn't make many friends and so despite my becoming close to this friend first I really thought it was great for him to have someone he could actually talk to.
My desire for him to be a normal human being, have friends, not totally hate interacting with humans in social settings was so strong that I was able to overlook my jealousy that this friend was a woman who would accompany him out for happy hour. I was often invited as well...and 90% of the time I successfully overcame my jealousy of this relationship. Even when he choose her over his brother to drive halfway across the country together in a UHaul. I mustered every ounce of willpower I had and turned it into understanding.
I really just wanted him to be happy.
Coincidentally this friend is finding her marriage crashing down at the same time as ours. Her response has been to flee home to family and sequester herself. I've been really supportive of this move and have only communicated with her minimally.
I found out today after e mailing to wish her a happy birthday that she has been talking with my husband. She knows "how bad my situation is" and wouldn't wish this on anyone. But is not ready to talk yet.
I think this was the last straw for me.
I don't want this next phase to be characterized by his vs. mine...I don't want to only talk to people sympathetic to "my side". I want to continue to be a well rounded person and I want both of us to continue to communicate with the people who matter. But this one case feels different.
Am I being rash? Am I going to change my mind in a few months?  Who knows...but I feel really betrayed.
I think almost all of you reading this blog know that I am not one who says goodbye to friends. We may not talk for long stretches of time but we always come back.
I think for the first time in 8 years and possibly only the third time in my life I have to say goodbye to a friend I really care about. A person I find it easy and fun to be with. Someone I can have a dance party with followed (or more wisely preceded) by a serious life's a bitch but what do we now conversation.
You'd think given my itinerant lifestyle I'd be good at goodbyes. But there really haven't been many of those, it's always more of a see ya later. My gut just tells me this one is different.

So....ya'll are to me what cuisinart is to food....get in here and help me process.

The worst game of hide and seek ever

I never expected to feel this level of hostility.
I've really be fairly zen about this whole thing. I keep using that word but for the most part it's how I feel. I think I like the word zen to characterize my feelings because I'm not really a zen person. I'm a pretty passionate person. I love things or I don't like them at all. I love people and will do anything for them or else I don't even give them much of a second thought.
I feel like I'm fiercely devoted to the things I choose. It leaves me rarely feeling at peace about things. I'm either thrown wholeheartedly into the things I love or I'm working to avoid the things I don't want to waste my time on.
Not a lot of peace or zen there.

I can see the level of therapy a lot of those previous sentences are begging for...I know it's there.
What I really didn't expect in this life changing process was to feel so blindside by hatred of daddy time.
 I know I mentioned this before...but today it's eating at me...I was home for half an hour when monkey wouldn't even be there and the house felt overwhelmingly empty. It just isn't right and that makes me angry.
I do sort of have a thing about injustice, especially as applied to me so I shouldn't be surprised that if I see this an injustice it so angers me to have to face it two nights a week.

If one person doesn't have the energy for the family why should that person still get the opportunity to have a family. But I'm the one granting the opportunity. Deep inside I know them spending time together is the right thing to do. I know it's right for all of us. I just hate it when that little goblin inside me pokes it head out and says:
Found Me!!

Too add insult to injury I really feel like I had to give up a friend today. Ex and I have one friend for a few years who I think it's safe to say we are equally friends with. I think this doesn't happen very often in a marriage and it definitely has it's up and down sides. He doesn't make many friends and so despite my becoming close to this friend first I really thought it was great for him to have someone he could actually talk to.