Calamity Jennye

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times

To carry on with my thoughts about inner peace...I've been feeling lately like I'm nearing a meltdown. (although I think it may have come gone in the 40 min. I spent trying to get my contact out of my eye last night and everyone seems to have escaped rather good news there!)
This past weekend the families I spend most of my time with were gone and I had a lot of time on my own.
The first night I really appreciated the alone time. It was nice to be in my new space, all my own. I watched some Netflix, I read a little of my book, chatted a bit with some friends, it was a nice evening.
But by the time Sunday evening rolled around, even having Esme home with me and all the fun things we'd done I remembered how much I am a creature made for community.
There is an upside to living well with others. I don't think a majority of people in the world would enjoy communal living but I know I am one who does (granted it's a lot different when the community is taking care of me, that is not what I was made for). I enjoy sharing tasks with others, I love having others around who like to do the things I don't (um, hmm cooking) and I'm happy to then do the other things they may not want to (like, uh, cleaning up afterwards).

But after a weekend like this last one I always get myself into this state of total self-doubt and even almost self-loathing. Who on earth really needs people as badly as I do? This is ridiculous? I mean honestly I can't go 5 days without a community to insert myself into? Who is actually this pathetic?

Well it turns out I am.

Don't get me wrong there are ups and downs in all of these things. I really relished some of the alone time I had with Esme. We established a great bedtime routine, we did all that fun gardening, we had people over for dinner, I even went out for dinner with a friend. 99% of my weekend was marvelous.
It is just shocking to me that I struggle to truly enjoy all of these things when I don't have at least one other adult to come home and share them with.

I've been this way as long as I can remember. In college I was part of a group of people looking into living in intentional community and I knew it was something I really wanted to do, I worked in residence life during and even after college, always focused on how to create community for students. There are tough things about living with others; smelly, irritating, misunderstanding, even somewhat fearful things. But I just know that I need people. Or I guess at least a person.

In Poser Claire talks about how her Mother's generation all married early and then realized they could just leave and go find themselves. Then how her generation, the children who lived through that, waited. They enjoyed their twenties, rambled, partied, put off marriage until they were older. Then felt they had to be all things to all people once they were married. But they knew they needed to wait for that mantle and most of them had no desire to rush into it.
This was a whole section I could not relate to at all. For as long as I could remember the only thing I felt certain I would do with my life was get married and be a mom. I felt no hesitation about marriage at all. I think deep down I felt it was the one sure-fire way to have a community that would always have to accept me, that would always be there for me.

And now, I feel adrift. I've spent most of my life taking care of myself (which is not to belittle my amazing family who have always been there for me whenever I've needed them!) but I've always worked hard since my first job at fifteen. I moved across the country for college before I was eighteen and I've always been rather self-reliant.
Knowing that I can do things though, is very different from wanting to do them, always, on my own. I know I can do them, I just don't want to do them alone (boy do I sound exactly like Esme!) I guess that's just the risk you take. Life does not always turn out how we plan, even when the plans are well reasoned and  hard won.

So the last thoughts on this tonight are to say that just after dinner with my favorite little community tonight. One of my friends who I see as one of the most self-reliant and ultimately capable people I know (The one who I kept thinking of this weekend as I was feeling piteously incapable of being the kind of person anyone would want to be around.) accidentally downloaded a virus onto their computer. Without hesitation she screamed for her husband, and screamed again while sitting there looking terrified to even watch what was happening on the screen.

I hate to say it but the scene gave me so much hope. We do all need people. No one can do everything alone. I had just fallen into one of those horrible spirals where you let yourself loop out of control because, well because you are alone and incapable of stopping it yourself. That's what makes it a spiral, if I could function 100% of the time by myself I would never feel I needed other people. And if I never felt I needed other people I would function fine 100% of the time by myself. Instead it's all the opposite and down we go!

So in the in-between times when the roller-coaster attendants are getting everyone strapped in for the next ride. I'm going to take my time. I'm going to try to reflect a little bit more (I'm probably not done with this ridiculous naval gazing). I'm going to keep filling in all the corners with all the people I love. But when there's a space, if I start to freak out...I'm going to call one of you. I'll ask about your day, your community, your life. Stop spending so much time so freaking worried about me.

In the meantime if you could all just take a deep breath and scream with me on those really steep drops that would be great!

Outfit of the Day

The "Bring it on world" look!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Imagine Whirled Peas

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about peace. Not the kind in the world…I’m sure those are very noble thoughts, well worth the thinking, but mostly I’ve been thinking about peace in myself.  As I was going through the old picture box I found a magnet I must have purchased at some point that says:  Peace.
 It does not mean to be in a place where
there is no noise, trouble or hard work.
It means to be in the midst of those
things and still be calm in your heart.”

I read this magnet very reassuredly that day that it was in the box.
You see, being calm in my heart in the midst of chaos is what I’m best at. I thrive on chaos.
Not the kind of chaos I’ve had recently mind you, but give me a noisy crowded room, a day filled with back to back commitments. Right smack in the middle of all of that is where I feel the most calm.
When I read that quote by our good friend "Unknown" the other morning, I snapped it right up on my refrigerator, patting myself on the back all the while, thinking: “well, if I can find calm in midst of this shit-storm; when there must be other people, the ones this magnet was made for, who can’t even find it in the midst of noise -- well then I must be doing pretty well!”
I’m sure I didn’t fully realize the reason I was buying this magnet at the time but as I’ve re-read it a few times a day it finally hit me that somewhere deep inside I must have known I was buying it for the reassurance factor. On the same gut level that the relationship people were talking about, I knew this magnet was a bit of an ego boost.

I just finished the book Poser: My Life in 23 Yoga Poses. I feel certain I’ll have more to say about this book but one of the immediate things that stuck with me is how the author spent years, the entire book really, sure that if she kept practicing she could become perfect at yoga. The lesson in the end was of course that the journey is the lesson. It’s not about perfecting a pose, perfecting your family, or even being perfect yourself. It’s about showing up and pouring yourself into the activity.

Of course these things that we spend a lot of time ruminating on never come alone. So the other night I finally picked up a book of meditations that a friend sent me months ago (I would almost feel bad admitting how long it took me to read this book, but it’ll be months before she gets on here to see my admittance and somehow that makes me not feel so bad). So anyway the forward in the book instructed me in a very self-important way that I should just open it to any page and what I read would “speak to me”. So more to test it than out of any belief that that would happen I started the reading the first page that fell open...
The meditation was entitled “Improvement” One of the lines I really like (yeah, yeah it spoke to me. Of course!) says that “for too long I have felt I had to be wrong or bad in order to make a change….When I come from a place of loving acceptance, then the positive changes I desire come to me so much easier.”  “Life seems to flow much easier when I make peace with myself on an inner level.”

I can’t quite believe that the world has conspired against me in this grand way of tiny things. As I type I realize there is so much I need to sort through about myself on this subject. So much to make peace with about why it’s so hard to be at peace. Really, this could take us all week J So… see you tomorrow? Same bat time, same bat channel!

Outfit of the Day

Originally I took this picture to show that while it may be nearly July
it is still appropriate (nay necessary) to wear long underwear to bed.
(hint, hint) if this blog has not yet caused you to shed a tear for me now would be the appropriate time!

Instead, what I ended up capturing is Esme's best
"So you wanna be a gangsta' look"
And now the crying's over!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

some pictures

Esme's second choice of gardening attire.
When the long sleeves get too hot, go for the tube top, that's what I always say!

The Watering All Star Pose

Our little part of the garden
(there were a lot of weeds!)
The Bigger Picture

The beautiful view of our front door

And just for fun....the eggs I made for dinner using...
Yes, that is a laddle.
I figure this is going to be the next installment in How to  Cook Everything Books
How to Cook Everything (With a laddle)!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

A gardener

I've always meant to garden. Everywhere we've lived I've thought it would be such a good idea.
In Phoenix we even went far enough as to buy plants and get them lasted right up until Francis (ah...Francis, I miss him, we don't talk about Francis nearly enough on this blog ) Anyway it lasted right up until Francis dug up all the plants and rolled in the garlic. (In case you weren't sure before now, yes Francis is a dog).

Anyway, all my one gardening attempt was a failure. But today Esme and I spent four hours out in the garden!
It was great...I've definitely been putting this chore off, we bought plants over a month and a half ago but it wasn't warm enough here to plant them until well after I broke my ankle. And now with a house to organize, crutches, and weeds to pull before the planting could happen. Getting those plants in the ground was nowhere near the top of my list.

After all my hours sitting in the dirt I have to say one positive thing for this broken ankle situation, it is the best motivator I've ever had for getting a job completely done. There is no way I would have planted all the things I did today had I been in my normal shape. By about halfway through my back was aching, one of my hair rubber bands broke, the bugs were insanely annoying, and there were still a million weeds, literally a million.

But I was stuck! once you get down...especially into a place like a messy garden, on crutches. You. Are. Down. My hands were a mess, I was not dragging my sweaty, mud streaked self anywhere I didn't have to, I was getting the job done. My pig tails turned into a ponytail, a few bugs lost their lives, I had almost no concern about the mud puddles Esme was creating in certain parts of the garden, I was sticking it out until I was done!

As I placed the last Basil plant into an edge of the garden where it would be easy to retrieve for future sandwiches, pesto, salads (yum...the possibilities). I called to Esme for help getting things cleaned up. She came running over and said "hey mom, do you want me to bring you the last box?"

"The what?"  I turned my body to see one last box of plants I had forgotten sitting all alone on the picnic table...Thank God my landlord had offered to help with any of the planting if I needed it because I can proudly say four hours is enough and done is done! Those plants can wait!!

But I do feel so proud of what we created today. We got done in the garden at five and had dinner guests coming at six so I have to apologize that there are no pictures tonight. I just wanted to share my pride and accomplishment, and joy at having a motivator to help me see a project through (well, mostly anyway).

I do promise some pictures tomorrow, of both the garden and hopefully I can capture Esme's choice of gardening attire as it is something everyone could learn from. I hope you all sleep as well as we're going to!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Sticky Brain

Years ago I saw the movie Being John Malkevich. I have this distinct memory of the premise having something to do with a doctor who could erase all of your memories. The problem with this, of course was that he erased ALL your memories.
I remember watching this movie, as an early twenty –something idealist thinking who would ever want something like that?
Well…now that I’m a young thirty-something idealist with just a little more experience I must say that doctor looks a little more tempting.

It’s not actually that I want all of my memories gone. I just seem to have this problem lately, I call it my sticky brain problem. Really the problem is that my brain is not sticky enough. The information I used to be able to retain for work, or, well life, now just rolls away. I feel like a beach honestly. If that same information crashes onto my shores enough times in close repetition there are occasions where it sticks.

I chalk a good portion of the problem up to mom brain but I also can’t escape the bigger problem: This filmstrip of memories that just keeps replaying itself through my mind. There’s no rhyme or reason, I’m driving along in the car and before I know it I’m suddenly in Arizona at this little wine bar we went to one night after my husband picked me up from the airport. A few hours later while trying to organize files I realize I’m on the beach in California playing in the waves with the dogs and my husband.

Most of the time there isn’t guilt, or grief….sometimes, but that’s not the problem. The problem is just that I can’t understand what is in control. These flights into history aren’t conscious efforts to work through the past. It’s like something has taken over my brain and wreaked havoc with an otherwise fully functioning system.
I find this is all especially inconvenient while trying to learn a new job. With so many systems, people, and plans to remember. I really don’t have time for this hijacking.
And so I can see the appeal. I would truly hate to lose all my memories of the past, and honestly you couldn’t pay me enough now that there are so many memories of my daughter in there. But to feel every day like I can’t find the future because the past won’t get itself out of the way, that! Is frustration.

Outfit of the Day

Since my model's away visiting her dad I thought we'd do a little blast from the past.
How cute are those cheeks?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Voice from the past

I just spent an hour and a half sifting through a box of all of our old photos. I kept waiting for the pain to wash over me and feeling shocked that it just wasn’t coming.
Finally about ¾ of the way through I came across a sort of diary entry I wrote in the first month that my husband and I met. As soon as I saw it, scribbled on the back of a program from the show I was directing at the time. That creepy “you may not want to read this, but you won’t be able to resist” feeling came over me.
And so read I did:
(there are definitely some young love, painful to re-read moments in here…don’t judge too much)

“What is going on…I’m not quite sure? I’m really scared that I’m a lot further into this than I want to be. Up until yesterday I didn’t feel that I’d be that sad if he left my life as quickly as he came into it. But now I’m sure I would be.
I never meant to be this attached or involved. It all just happened so fast, way to fast, he mentioned last night how it’s awkward to be together with other people and he was right. It’s ‘cause we feel so close, and yet there are little things I don’t know about him, like when I wanted to stop and get him coffee this morning, but I wasn’t sure. We just need time and that’s so hard.
I don’t want him to know that I always want him around; sometimes I don’t know how to be completely honest & still be wise about the situation at the same time. I just want to hear his thoughts. I could sit and listen to him forever. (all I can see when I read this line are silly googly eyes)

Am I romanticizing this too much? Is he going to get sick of me soon? That really scares me, what if he just all of a sudden changes his mind? What if he goes out to coffee with (name withheld to protect the not at all innocent) and doesn’t come back?
I suppose that’s what I really have to prepare myself for.
Sometimes I wonder how much I should tell him. I guess I have no right to be worried about scaring him away. If this is going to work out it’ll work out. If not it won’t.
I just don’t know how to find the fine line between protecting my heart & being honest.”

I was just talking with a friend yesterday who was telling me about these researchers who have done all this work looking at marriages. The work they do is sort of like the show Lie To Me (our current addiction on Netflix). These researchers have honed their art to such a degree that within a ten minute conversation they can determine with 95% accuracy whether you’ll still be married in 15 years. In a five minute conversation their accuracy is 90%. P.S. The number one predictor they look for is contempt.
Another thing that came up in this conversation was that they advise people contemplating any major commitment to always go with their gut instinct. They cited all these studies about how even when we are not aware of it at all our brain knows the right thing to do long before we know, we know.
I mention all of this because as she was telling me, all I could remember were the times people had told me, really early on in our relationship, that I would, or should marry my future husband. I remember honestly thinking no way! He’s a great friend; I feel very confused; but this is not the man I’m going to marry. In my most honest memories I remember that as my gut instinct.
Reading these thoughts from the same time period it stands out to me that, as usual, my gut instinct was a bit more nuanced than that. I mention worrying that he is just going to meet up with his ex-girlfriend and never return. And I mention my greatest fear as the fact that he will just change his mind some day and I won’t see it coming. I love that in the same month I met the man I told myself how to prepare for the end. I just had no idea it would take 12 years for that end to come.

Damn those researchers! How could they be so right? How could I be so right, for that matter? I saw it coming 12 years ago and yet, when it came right down to it my greatest fear was fulfilled and still I was blindsided… Well, I guess that’s love!

Outfit of the Day

a bit of a two-part Outfit of the Day
I can't get over how much I love this sweater Esme's friend was wearing
Love, Love, Love!!
I'm equally in love with the great look of excitement on Esme's face!
(perhaps she couldn't get over the sweater either, but I suppose it's more likely it was the stilts)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A signpost on the road to normal

Got to work and turned on Pandora to be greeted by:
Be OK!

It's all going to be ok.

I'm not even sure where to begin talking about the last few weeks. There has been so much and so little all at once. I'm thrilled to be mostly settled into our apartment.
I've got boxes unpacked, my M-I-L brought over a little table for me to put my sewing machine on. I will have pictures very soon. I've found it's quite difficult to carry those little piles of crap around to their homes while on crutches so I have to work through those before I let any of you into my home :)

My foot is healing tremendously well or so it feels to me! When I went to the doctor last week he said I didn't have to come back for two weeks due to what he saw. And just in the last couple days I've been doing a lot of moving around my apartment on just one crutch. I can't even express how exciting this is. It seems so silly and the first time I caught myself making all my friends watch my new trick I felt about 5. But everyone humored me and clapped as I moved across the kitchen with my jaunty little Tiny Tim walk.

I was amazed how much I was able to accomplish, thanks to the support of amazing friends and family during my trip to the cities last week. I had a huge Target run, bought more than we will use in a month at Costco, made it to Trader Joes and to Home Goods. Then YaYa was so kind as to drive me all the way home on Saturday and do the dreaded return trip right away on Sunday.
It was great to have YaYa here, Esme was beside herself excited and it was so helpful to have some actually useful legs for unloading and getting things put in their spots.

We all went to the Summer Solstice Pageant together Saturday night and let me tell you nothing makes you realize you live in a really small town like a solstice pageant. There is a huge fear up here about some mining that has been proposed nearby and the pageant, a boldly blatant statement against the mining was hillarious!
Esme had a great time watching from a blanket in the front row and as a treat for all your patience of late here are some pictures of this unique event:

Esme and a friend sharing Fruit by the Foot

Love this joy!

The Sun God (?) on stilts...
the best part about the pageant is all the stilts, so fun! 

It was very important to these ducks that they be allowed to vote against the mining!

Outfit of the Day

Just another summer day in Grand Marais

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm coming, I'm coming!

I had a blog post all planned for tonight...I've been missing you all! But I have no internet yet at my new apartment.
It's really impossible to do a whole post on my phone but I promise I'll have something for you tomorrow.

In the meantime...Sleep tight!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Just another day at Mary's

Alyssa: "so did you visit Mary's house at VBS today?"

Liv: "yeah but it's kind of boring there?"

Alyssa: "well what do you do"

Liv:(in a disdainful voice) "we just talk...about Jesus"

Esme:(clearly picking up on the disdain) "yeah, I hate Jesus!"

Liv:"I love Jesus" (with a little shrug of the shoulders)

Esme: "oh, I love Jesus too"

clearly that $20 I paid for VBS was money well spent!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

On the upswing... even in left field

Well,  I can't begin with another apology because I've always told Esme it's no good apologizing if you just intend to repeat the behavior.
I have not intended to repeat this negligent behavior but it looks like I have.
Things are on the upswing and I think I've even found a funny story to tell.
I had to go back to the doctor this week and I haven't talked a lot about it because this particular visit involves something that is a little too much TMI.

So consider this your warning...If you don't appreciate knowing some details of the inner workings of the female body. If you'd rather leave them at questions like "So did they discover you're a woman?" which was my friend Jon's preference...stop reading here:
(I'll give you a sign below where you may want to pick up again)

I finally followed the advice of a wise co-worker and made an appointment for my yearly female doctorly adventure coupled with a STD test, something I sadly never would have thought of my own but clearly should have since my husband already gave my HPV early on in our relationship.
In any case, while I was at the doctor, straining my muscles in order to not put any weight on my broken right ankle which was resting precariously in the stirrup, she discovered. Or rather did not discover the strings of my IUD.
"Has any other doctor had trouble finding the strings?", "have you ever felt the strings?" Both very good questions I thought, and in a move that shows a total disregard for self knowledge I had to answer "I don't think so?" to both.

This scenario ended with me actually pulling a very inconvenient muscle while she fished for the strings (also very inconvenient I might add) and straining my jaw from apparently gritting my teeth at the same time. Well, my jaw still isn't the same time and this week I got to add an ultrasound to my weekly x-ray appointment.

I went into the room for my ultrasound and was immediately informed of what a poor job I had done filling my bladder before coming in. He showed me all the space my bladder should have been taking up on his nifty screen, had I filled it properly. And then informed me that we would be adding a vaginal ultrasound to our list of festivities for the day.

I can say quite confidently that as a woman who has never even owned a vibrator, inserting an eight inch long wand into myself with two people of whom you know is about to use said wand as a sort of "joystick" (seriously, no pun intended...but is that where that term came from?) is not the most fun endeavor.

I carried on with all the sobriety, and lack of eye contact, I could muster even managing to ask the watching nurse a few polite questions while the ultrasound tech maneuvered his way through the requisite photos.

The most heart-stopping moments of the whole day came when he pushed some button on the machine and I heard out of the blue what sounded an awful lot like the heartbeat I heard in the months before Esme was born.  Some sort of extreme panic must have registered on my face because the technician quickly said "don't worry...that's just the blood in your left ovary, it's still alive."  Despite my best efforts my heart still skipped a little beat as the same sound came on for the right side and he replied "we're batting a thousand."

"As long as there's no kid in there, we sure are!" I thought.

He discovered the IUD exactly where it should be as busy as any left fielder you can imagine. but there, manning it's post, which is actually the important thing in the end...not floating around the ballpark looking for the best combo of beer and nachos it can find simply because it knows no one will miss it.

THIS is where you can start reading again (I'm done being awkward for tonight):
Thankfully the good news carried on, as I moved on to my foot appointment and word that it is healing perfectly. I can continue to put weight on it and the doctor doesn't even need to see me for two more weeks!

I'm 95% moved in to the new apartment....the only boxes left are packed away under the stairs waiting for the days I'm not on crutches. I get to go to the cities this weekend for a big Target / Costco run and I anticipate a return to reality, myself and full-time blogging next week.
I also anticipate a return to Outfit of the Day posts as well as a new feature thanks to the ever enlightening Cook County Police stay tuned such good things to come!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

How does it feel?

Life has been rough lately.
I don't know a time that life doesn't feel a little rough. But lately I am without words. I'm barely surviving and I think I've gone into some sort of power save/shutdown in order to preserve the parts of me necessary to complete day to day tasks.
I swore I'd be honest when I started this blog, and to be honest... lately it's been too hard to even be honest.
A couple weeks ago I had so much hope. Things were on the upswing and I was totally ready for it.

Then out of the blue, WHAM...a tree.

I'm only surviving and I'm so glad to be doing that. I think I'll be doing a lot of processing soon but I don't even have energy for that lately. 
Just today I finally started crying which I think is a good sign that I'm starting to feel things again. 
I've been taking less tylenol and ibuprofen for my foot as it starts to heal and I think a real life may be around the corner.  As soon as I can.....

I don't know what to say. I've had no desire to drink anything lately and I finally had a couple (in this case a couple does actually mean two) drinks's a bit inconvenient as it makes me feel I'd just like to sit in a darkened room and cry for a few hours (or days). It's easier to not feel when I'm totally in control of everything. but feeling is important. I am trying to feel my way through this.

And right now it feels like shit. To feel so close to having my own life, a life I really want and have worked so hard to carve out for myself, out of a life that I didn't want.
And now, as I prepare to move into a brand new home, with an empty fridge and kitchen  it's not even a wise decision to hobble around the grocery store for myself. I should be open to letting to others do that for me.

Well. I can only go so far. It feels like too much. I can't make a list, I have no energy to figure out exactly what I need. I've let others do a lot for me, but I need to do for myself. I really need to finally build a life, a kitchen, a sewing area (I'm well aware I can't buy that at a grocery store).  So here it goes....

I promise more updates, more feelings, more reality. 
Just as soon as I'm in a space to have room for all these feelings. 

Outfit of the Day

my little fairy princess
(who pee'd in the dress right after this picture)
In our new house!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Outfit(s) of the Day

"Twin" sisters

Moving Day

Well. Today was moving know after moving every year or two I really feel I've gotten it down to such a science that it was time to add a new challenge. Like moving while on crutches.

All I can say at the end of the day is THANK GOD for the amazing friends who got me through. After sitting down from about eight hours straight of being on my foot I wasn't sure how we all managed to make it through.

In retrospect I think it was great to just power through. My husband and I met last night with two sort-of-mediators and had a very amicable splitting of belongings. Then 24 hours later everything's out and I feel so thankful to have it over and done with. I don't think I could have endured this kind of emotional exhaustion being dragged out. Especially when you couple it with my current physical exhaustion.

Moving through things with such necessary speed was also great because there was very little time for remorse. It was sad to find someone else's tampons in my bathroom. And to hear my husband casually call our old bedroom "the room we sleep in" with a very clear current tense.
But it was time to keep moving and that was the great thing.

Somewhere in the middle of the packing I got confused as to which of a couple different stacks of boxes was mine. I texted my husband for clarification and his response was a profound "there's probably some chaos, just try to manage." If ever I had needed clarification
that I was moving in the right direction that was a great reminder of all the thoughtfulness, love and concern my husband shared with me (you know the same way my three year old "shares") throughout our marriage.

Now I get to spend the week settling in and creating a happy cozy space that is just Esme's and mine.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Just an update

I feel like a very delinquent blogger of late, my apologies to all of you.
It turns out breaking an ankle is a very exhausting endeavor.
I was able to work half a day on Tuesday before I came home and completely crashed for a three hour nap. I worked half a day Wednesday, survived without a nap and headed off to the doctor.
The good news there, was that I actually only broke one bone. It is that little one on the inside of your ankle. There is a part of that bone that hangs down a little bit and it is broken clean through.
Somehow, miraculously it has managed to stay in the perfect position. I can tell that this is a feat because they keep taking x rays to make sure it is in the same spot and every time even the doctor congratulates me.
As long as I keep all weight off of my foot for the next three weeks. I should be able to spend the three weeks after that re-learning how to walk on it.

Seems like a very appropriate plan. There are so many things to re-learn in life right now I might as well go back to the basics and learn how to walk again as well.

I think life is still moving forward, despite the fact that the view from the couch doesn't change as much as one would wish. I'm meeting with my husband to begin the distribution of properties on Saturday. I'm working to figure out possibly getting my things moved on Sunday...then I'm going to take it slow and try to get my things settled in over the next week. By then I'll be two weeks into the no weight-bearing period, should have begun figuring out how to do more things for myself and most importantly. Boy - oh - boy will I be ready to be in my own place.

I have had a number of sad thoughts in the past week over this whole injury. My husband has shown absolutely no interest in how my injury or when I will recover. I knew this would be the case. I expected no different but it's still hard. Hard to sit in the ER and realize that the person who pledged to care about you more than anyone else, for the rest of your life would not show up even if you asked him. To get up the courage to share with that person and have them begrudgingly say "well, sorry about your foot, I guess" but nothing else.  To be stuck at the clinic seeking a ride (because you can't drive), know that this person who had been so important to you for so long, knows this is your situation and doesn't bat an eyelash.

When you add them all together the moments do have a weight almost as crushing as that tree...I guess the main thing here is just to keep these moments from leaving the same kind of mark. No sense in breaking anything more than you absolutely have to.

Outfit of the Day

I promise we'll go back to the cuteness after this...
but if I have to live with this for 6 weeks you all have to at least have a taste!