tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80940002228489234092024-02-07T17:43:20.496-08:00Calamity JennyeCalamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-43083292093177860702013-08-17T19:14:00.000-07:002013-08-17T19:14:35.495-07:00Life's a Beach(This is the other post I thought I had already done. Thought it was posted on 7/23 and now we're back on track.) <br />
<br />
I had this moment this past week...<br />
One amazing moment that
made every difficult moment in life: every heartbreak, every painful
lesson learned, every day of trying to make all the right decisions and
be the perfect wife/mother. One moment that made all of that worth it.<br />
One
amazing moment that made every triumph: every compliment about my
well-behaved child, every instance where true love seemed real and
tangible, every success I ever won at work through blood, sweat and
tears. One moment that made all of that pale in comparison.<br />
<br />
See,
I don't have a ton of memories of my mom. I have a few very vivid, very
dear memories. And one of those is from the years when we spent a lot
of time in California during her illness. I will never forget one day at
the beach and the image of holding hands with my mom while she taught
me how to jump the waves. How to wait for just the right moment, you
wait for the crest to be nearly at your toes, then you put your all into
it, to make sure you soar over all the white and land safely back in
the calm. (boy as I type that it seems like there's some life lessons in
there) But life lessons aside, every time I'm at the beach, every time I
get to dip my toes in the amazing surf that makes my heart soar, I have
to jump.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV5uqHMqLZ_VJgXLm9w3_5XtMQTDtjfOKWg6xPv9jeBWMW-2jQlDIAaPl7Bmnnw68LYEXu95BjAa2_VVuJ2rCze7OTRg_PnBcNYMf5u7wL5g5pIIIhJ7birpRvaCryz5E7rbhGrzmCMxA/s1600/SanDiego1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjV5uqHMqLZ_VJgXLm9w3_5XtMQTDtjfOKWg6xPv9jeBWMW-2jQlDIAaPl7Bmnnw68LYEXu95BjAa2_VVuJ2rCze7OTRg_PnBcNYMf5u7wL5g5pIIIhJ7birpRvaCryz5E7rbhGrzmCMxA/s320/SanDiego1.jpg" width="257" /></a></div>
<br />
I
don't have to time my jumps so perfectly anymore, there's a big
difference between how far your muscles can take you at 6 versus 36. I
don't have to concentrate all my power into making it over the crest of
the tiny waves. But the thrill is still there. The joy at being part of
nature and overcoming it all at the same time.<br />
<br />
And
never has that joy been so visceral as this past week when I spent time
at (nearly) the same beach, 30 years later, jumping waves with my very
own daughter. This has undoubtedly been one of the hardest months of my
life. But standing there in the surf, teaching my daughter the tricks
and outsmarting the waves together. My heart was full. Never before (and
I think possibly never again) have I felt so complete. My life came
full circle that day in the San Diego surf.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-5oqrXyJXvnbIy1CAolHQDMWascyumyxa1qdWbL-OD5EUztNvLqsRZ2E0LCXbZJZJfJE19oAeQo-yHoZp7t9GhfRgiQdkYt9m9W7phzQffUpUT41SD6KNTcbVAYz0kypJVM2UnLig61w/s1600/SanDiego2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-5oqrXyJXvnbIy1CAolHQDMWascyumyxa1qdWbL-OD5EUztNvLqsRZ2E0LCXbZJZJfJE19oAeQo-yHoZp7t9GhfRgiQdkYt9m9W7phzQffUpUT41SD6KNTcbVAYz0kypJVM2UnLig61w/s320/SanDiego2.jpg" width="245" /></a></div>
<br />
We
held hands, we planned, we closed our eyes, we jumped together, we
laughed, we conquered! And in that moment I knew, with all my heart and
soul that it is just the beginning. Like the waves, that soon enough
knocked us over and tossed us about, life together will have it's ups
and downs. But in that moment I knew for sure that together we can
conquer anything. Together we will conquer it all!<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KHbLo5byTXEDIv-sMsG9TEccODbzYfJMb8fEuhPprwhhBUepMeqEuD7uljofz1mPom92B9zxI24IegcmIsvJDPh7Q5GjPMfOCEAgmpWwoVFQikiSPhJSQ458dwNDQMGR30H6G-o5Q68/s1600/SanDiego3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6KHbLo5byTXEDIv-sMsG9TEccODbzYfJMb8fEuhPprwhhBUepMeqEuD7uljofz1mPom92B9zxI24IegcmIsvJDPh7Q5GjPMfOCEAgmpWwoVFQikiSPhJSQ458dwNDQMGR30H6G-o5Q68/s320/SanDiego3.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-27479685929499570502013-08-15T11:54:00.001-07:002013-08-15T11:54:28.728-07:00Nobody Likes a Fixer(thought I'd posted this on 7/11, but just realized I screwed up...)<br />
<br />
What a week, what a month, what a decade.<br />
I'm not even sure where to begin.<br />
We were living in a lovely spot, with raised beds, and a dog, and a family.<br />
It seemed like all of life was ahead of us.<br />
As if anything could be possible...<br />
If only I could see it through this haze, if I could just get up off the couch: take the dog for a nice long walk, plant something in those lovely beds, play a family game with my daughter.<br />
It took tragedy (again) to realize how bad it all was.<br />
<br />
But here we are, the two of us stronger, wiser, without our poor Francis who has raced off to his happy running place in the sky. Heaven no longer has any safety for the squirrels!<br />
BUT we are stronger and wiser.<br />
Stronger because I'm learning to accept help, advice, and comfort.<br />
Wiser because my learning curve is drastically improving. I'm able to see the patterns (at least some of them) that keep me from being...well being the magnificent being of love that I know I can be!<br />
<br />
Putting Francis down was hard, I had to face what felt like the consummation of all the failure in my life. In order to move forward:<br />
To give him those drowsy making pills: I had to realize it was never actually my job to fix these things.<br />
As I placed the muzzle: I admitted I chose things that <i style="text-decoration: underline;">no one</i> could fix, people that didn't believe they needed "fixing".<br />
As I helped the vet give him the shot of anisthetic that would render the muzzle useless: I found the courage to help myself, by realizing I need to start with myself, at the very least figuring out what I think needs fixing about me,<br />
that drives me to "fix" everyone else<br />
And as I stood there watching him breathe his last: I had to face the fact that nobody likes a fixer.<br />
<br />
So I think I'll come back for a while. Let you all help me sift through it all, while I sort out the next step.<br />
Care to join me?<br />
<br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHESkZsVNsLE9yelpAXMnsxU5btpk5XWs2Cd7QQ0FXCDXqsY4cQ6xt64mvUbbVqjRwjq9qQkKHgAOa_thwf19Lr_p9V_VpJmeKKDAvJAEz8hNuSpwQrO5EbJHVdMhGq1vcHnmyYheU1xM/s1600/Esme&Francis.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHESkZsVNsLE9yelpAXMnsxU5btpk5XWs2Cd7QQ0FXCDXqsY4cQ6xt64mvUbbVqjRwjq9qQkKHgAOa_thwf19Lr_p9V_VpJmeKKDAvJAEz8hNuSpwQrO5EbJHVdMhGq1vcHnmyYheU1xM/s320/Esme&Francis.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Rest in Peace Francy Pantsy, We love you!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-87930412717327139952013-07-10T22:11:00.002-07:002013-07-10T22:11:48.552-07:00I think I might be back, Maybe...<div style="background-color: white; color: #444e5c; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.65625px; padding: 3px 0px 17px;">
Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006,written by Regina Brett</div>
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To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.</div>
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It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:</div>
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1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.</div>
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2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.</div>
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3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.</div>
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4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.</div>
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5. Pay off your credit cards every month.</div>
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6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.</div>
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7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.</div>
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8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.</div>
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9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.</div>
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10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.</div>
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11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.</div>
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12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.</div>
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13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.</div>
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14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.</div>
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15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.</div>
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16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.</div>
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17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.</div>
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18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.</div>
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19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.</div>
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20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.</div>
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21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.</div>
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22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.</div>
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23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.</div>
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24. The most important sex organ is the brain.</div>
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25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.</div>
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26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"</div>
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27. Always choose life.</div>
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28. Forgive everyone everything.</div>
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29. What other people think of you is none of your business.</div>
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30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.</div>
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31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.</div>
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32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.</div>
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33. Believe in miracles.</div>
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34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.</div>
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35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.</div>
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36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.</div>
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37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.</div>
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38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.</div>
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39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.</div>
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40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.</div>
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41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.</div>
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42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.</div>
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43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.</div>
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44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.</div>
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45. The best is yet to come.</div>
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46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.</div>
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47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.</div>
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48. If you don't ask, you don't get.</div>
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49. Yield.</div>
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50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.</div>
Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-67256318384548230702012-04-03T22:01:00.000-07:002012-04-03T22:01:46.996-07:00I'll take a village over a skyscraper any dayNo, no, no it's not a list of things you never thought you'd hear me say.<br />
<br />
A year ago this week my entire world was crashing down.<br />
<br />
Like one of those lego towers you build as a kid. And then that little boy, the one who's always so mean when he doesn't get his way, comes over and just kicks the crap out of your labor of love. Legos fly everywhere! They're all over your legs, it's hard to kick them off to get over the to the table where so many flew right under, and even over there under the chair. So many legos all over...that even nearly a year later, look under that dresser, can you believe there's still a...oh shit, that's moldy cheese. Hmm, maybe the lego thing wasn't so bad?<br />
<br />
So I picked up my legos, looked all around and realized. It would be pretty sad to put all these legos back into one tower. To use all my resources toward one purpose. So I took them, and instead I built a village. I spread them out, there was grass, and houses. I even let the blue legos touch the red and some houses were yellow and green mixed together with red windows! Such an exciting village. So great to slowly create a village, to let others come add a house, or a tree. And Esme drew the backdrop, with hearts and purple trees and six foot flowers and fuzzy bunnies all around.<br />
<br />
And now I sit here, a year later, thinking hmm...I really had a feeling I could get here. Here is by no means the end of the road, there are still some tunnels ahead and I'm sure it will take all my strength to find the pinhole of light at the end of them.<br />
But a year ago, all I could see was tunnel I wasn't even sure I was going the same way I was when I went into the tunnel, no idea what way the traffic was going or if I was in the right lane. For all I knew I was about to be taken out by a semi. (Thank goodness I couldn't see what was ahead, now that I think about it.) Being taken out by a motorcycle is nearly as bad it turns out.<br />
<br />
So a year later. I've got more hair, more friends, an incredible family, an easier smile, a job I love, the most amazing kid there ever was, and more light than tunnel out there on the horizon.<br />
<br />
Here's to a new year!! Bring it on.Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-48245998844674394412012-03-10T08:14:00.000-08:002012-03-10T08:14:05.683-08:00A little lake wobegonThere are times when this town makes me think of Stars Hollow.... times when it makes me think of Lake Wobegon and times when it is just a town unto itself.<br />
Every week the newspaper publishes the 911 calls for the week. "The Cook County Law Enforcement Briefs" to be exact.<br />
It is quite possibly my favorite part of every week (and it's most definitely the best part of the paper).<br />
I've been meaning to start featuring my favorite call every week... This one is finally to good to resist any longer!<br />
<br />
Saturday, Feb. 4<br />
<br />
11:56 a.m., Lutsen: A woman hiking the Superior Hiking Trail from Lutsen Mountain said she was lost on the snowmobile trail and asked for directions back to the hiking trail. She was told to follow her tracks back to the hiking trail.<br />
<br />
Makes me laugh every time I read it! Thank God Cook Counties finest are always ready to rush to our aid with such sage advice: follow your tracks back out...Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-56619576747983575832012-03-08T20:18:00.000-08:002012-03-08T20:18:11.926-08:00Game ChangerI've mentioned before that I live in a very small town. One where everyone is aware of the business of everyone else. It doesn't matter if I've met them... somehow or another they know. And usually given my last year, they know a lot!<br />
<br />
I recently started going to physical therapy for the vertigo I continue to experience. I had not met the therapist more than once in passing prior to my first appointment but as soon as I told her my whole name and mentioned that I was no longer with the person whose last name matched mine, that she so enjoyed seeing at his place of employment. She suddenly pieced together a great deal of my story.<br />
<br />
It has become clear, through just three sessions that this is a woman with strong feelings about things and among the ENFP's, and ISTJ's of the world she is a "J" if you know what I mean.<br />
<br />
Tonight as I was getting ready to leave my physical therapy appointment she looked over at me. Tilted her head a bit and said:<br />
"You are so beautiful and have such a good heart. I can't believe that there's not someone great out there waiting for you."<br />
<br />
I could feel the red rise on my cheeks for the second time this evening and as I fought to keep myself upright on my chair I realized I was actually sitting a bit straighter. In that moment I felt not just beautiful, I actually felt a bit radiant, just for a second.<br />
<br />
I'm not trying to be modest or seek affirmation. I'm just being honest in saying "beautiful" is not a word I have ever associated consistently with myself. Like anyone I know I have had moments of beauty in my life, moments when I worked hard, paid attention, spent the extra time and felt beautiful.<br />
<br />
But to think that someone who barely knows me could call me beautiful, so casually, really stirred something in me. As I tried to recall the last time someone had called me beautiful, and realized I can't. I was also flooded with all the ways throughout my life that people have made sure I know I'm not beautiful. Almost every single one of those moments really stick with me.<br />
<br />
This same woman encouraged me to use a little daily affirmation every morning, or throughout the day, just whenever:<br />
"May today be more magnificent than I could ever imagine."<br />
<br />
And you know, because of her, just for a few moments, today was!Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-27837983571695206402012-01-31T18:21:00.000-08:002012-01-31T18:21:04.081-08:00Welcome Back FreudI've been back to my exhausted self suddenly and my vertigo also seems to have returned. It's the oddest type of vertigo (if you ask me) because it mostly only happens when I'm laying down. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, or early morning, or one of the 50 times I seem to wake up every night lately, and I'll feel so spinny, and nauseated and overwhelmed by the feeling that if I don't lie in this one certain position my life just may end.<br />
It is such a frustrating feeling. And then, when I wake up in the morning I have to roll over carefully, sit up while bracing hard to the bed with my hands on either side of me and sit with my eyes closed until everything rights itself, my gasp has passed and I can stand up and carry on.<br />
Now if ever there was a good reason for not getting out of bed in the morning I think I've found it. It is nearly impossible to fully wake up when every time you open your eyes and move your head you have to snap your eyes shut because the world is moving so violently.<br />
<br />
Damn violent world, that's the problem!<br />
<br />
So with the vertigo my crazy dreams seem to have returned. Two night ago I had this dream that I was at a fishing contest (yeah, just wait, that's not even the funny part of the dream). Someone loaned me their very expensive fishing rod and as I reeled in this really big fish it suddenly leapt out of the water and hit me in the face. I screamed, dropped the rod and the fish went leaping back into the water; swimming off with this persons rod. "but the fish touched me...that was so gross!!" That's all I could keep repeating as everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Yes, I told this friend I will replace your very expensive rod, "but the fish touched me, in the face!!!!"<br />
(That was the funny part for those of you who were still hoping there might be something better, fish in the face, it don't get much better than that).<br />
So anyway the contest continued and the next guy was pulling in his really large fish when all of a sudden I could see that it had attached itself to his face, it's mouth right over his whole head. I ran up to help him as he fell to the ground and just as I got there I could see that it was not a fish at all and was, in fact, a very angry, very vicious, dog.<br />
I ran up trying to figure out what I could do to get the dog off this man, I tried kicking but was really afraid to get too close, the most I could do I figured was draw the dog off of him and onto me and I couldn't see how that would actually be an improvement to the overall situation. I kept yelling and screaming for someone to help us, to call 911, to do something, just help. Inside I was berating myself for not letting the dog just go at me instead, anything to give this poor suffering man some relief. But then I kept thinking I'm a single mom, I don't have time to recover from a dog attack. I was trying every minimal thing I could think of to draw the dog away but he was so far gone into his world of attack I felt as if I was baiting a lion, too much and I knew I would completely lose at any second.<br />
Finally some police or someone arrived, got the dog off the man and I collapsed, feeling so horrible that I had only been able to stand aside and watch. I felt useless and small and like I hadn't done nearly enough.<br />
Too many dreams like this and I guess it's pretty obvious why I'm exhausted every morning!Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-18771395346101875962012-01-31T18:20:00.000-08:002012-01-31T18:20:47.196-08:00Outfit(s) of the DayI had to make up for some lost time....sorry about that<br />
<br />
PS we're suddenly very into the layered look at our house!<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNPKtiJTZ4nNhrcnHKZl3F6baKO5LTUhLzIoVWJxJWu-xcdhVW0f_AR4MVe20OmJEqpf7fhSfEmujrG0TWy-kZ_VFwCXXlDN3kT1bS47tC5sHPuFnqsqqWYyv10-fQts4r8XfztQerNQj6/s1600/2012-01-10_17-24-39_839.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNPKtiJTZ4nNhrcnHKZl3F6baKO5LTUhLzIoVWJxJWu-xcdhVW0f_AR4MVe20OmJEqpf7fhSfEmujrG0TWy-kZ_VFwCXXlDN3kT1bS47tC5sHPuFnqsqqWYyv10-fQts4r8XfztQerNQj6/s320/2012-01-10_17-24-39_839.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The flowery layered look</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEishLnRHxw5C0ZZDH0mxDSs7mMr0fqcrC3JenK2omuOoYUebuVDYlHRFzKukfdCXQ7JkFY23ffsCYjU4yPyxNzE_dLaeiTCUbjeMka8oxrdcbE-GQLoMCP5-1KqkbXWCHBVfslmEH1gRB8H/s1600/2012-01-22_10-15-24_573.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEishLnRHxw5C0ZZDH0mxDSs7mMr0fqcrC3JenK2omuOoYUebuVDYlHRFzKukfdCXQ7JkFY23ffsCYjU4yPyxNzE_dLaeiTCUbjeMka8oxrdcbE-GQLoMCP5-1KqkbXWCHBVfslmEH1gRB8H/s320/2012-01-22_10-15-24_573.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The glamour layered look</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiU0ZViApFUJEZ7k-EFCe5IkoELqcX12x-oi9ZXn6wA_mz1vGfHhe74qo44z6-JINlVv4QmoTuETjqJXzI_s0iz_GGZqq-gQO8p5O_OV1pY74Q4_wgPGUnFUh4VZ684JQSy_E6GXx4J0YR/s1600/2012-01-15_16-54-47_217.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiU0ZViApFUJEZ7k-EFCe5IkoELqcX12x-oi9ZXn6wA_mz1vGfHhe74qo44z6-JINlVv4QmoTuETjqJXzI_s0iz_GGZqq-gQO8p5O_OV1pY74Q4_wgPGUnFUh4VZ684JQSy_E6GXx4J0YR/s320/2012-01-15_16-54-47_217.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">the 80's layered look</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-91728226752356900772012-01-10T20:19:00.000-08:002012-01-10T20:19:23.973-08:00Outfit of the Day<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqoWeMA0ZTH7o8GgiGwSPoUJ4usZjkVI_h6VKaYXoOelIipC3DWoRsNLrGATgW_C3xGP5VR3OnOTrTisDHsDzsE0gdqY3q9TLQrX49vOVmBE2oYcU129xVToNqUba0QcrDzY1KdTrRgHPg/s1600/2012-01-08_15-32-28_885.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqoWeMA0ZTH7o8GgiGwSPoUJ4usZjkVI_h6VKaYXoOelIipC3DWoRsNLrGATgW_C3xGP5VR3OnOTrTisDHsDzsE0gdqY3q9TLQrX49vOVmBE2oYcU129xVToNqUba0QcrDzY1KdTrRgHPg/s320/2012-01-08_15-32-28_885.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet Glimmer Shine...the winter fairy!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-44671099700600786482012-01-10T20:16:00.000-08:002012-01-10T20:16:54.469-08:00Happy New Year... Happy New NormalWell, I like to give us all reasons to keep celebrating any holiday so here I am finally getting around to recognizing the new year, only ten days late!<br />
<br />
Being away for Christmas was just what the doctor ordered for Esme and me!. We had a marvelous time in Arizona. We did tons of sleeping in, hanging out, shopping, swimming, watching television, did I mention Disneyland? Boy were we spoiled!<br />
Christmas Day was expectedly a bit hard but, surprisingly not at all for the reasons I would have expected. It's always those unexpected things that really jump out and get you. All in all it was definitely the best vacation we could have imagined.<br />
And most wonderfully it wasn't even that hard to come home. Sipping a margarita outside in the 75 degree weather with the sun shining on me was admittedly not the very smartest move on the way to the airport, but even that wasn't enough to make me long to stay. Just enough to get me wishing I could...a little bit :)<br />
<br />
Of course coming home was just the wake up call I could have expected. Plane re-routed to Fargo, Nearly hitting a deer in the middle of the highway just after midnight on New Years Eve, then at the end of last week the crazy started up all over again, with the return of my husband's GF after only four days with her family and another friend coming to me to confess she also slept with my husband.<br />
<br />
You know...all I can say is that the ludicrous doesn't seem nearly so crazy anymore. It's like when you come to realize a "new normal". This is it. I can no longer assume that it's all over. I can no longer convince myself that "surely this is as weird as it can get. There's no way there can be more".<br />
Maybe if I just assume there will always be more, I will no longer be so stunned.<br />
<br />
Like any story there is obviously a lot more behind the scenes of these events. A lot more that I'm not sure I have the capacity to discuss. There is good and there is not so good coming out of all these events.<br />
<br />
In this New Year I remain immensely blessed to have such amazing friends and family, such a strong support system. I feel intensely grateful for the little bit of truth and honesty that just wandered into my life. I am daily thrilled by the presence of my amazing Esme. And I'm adjusting...to the new normal.Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-12429810077812798422011-12-21T10:25:00.001-08:002011-12-21T10:25:36.523-08:00where do you turn for help?<p>I think last month was abuse awareness month and I was really torn when I read the BlogHer plea for people to raise awareness by sharing their stories. In the end I decided that was not a part of my marriage I was ready to share yet.</p> <br/> <p>The truth is it took me 10 of our 12 years together to figure out the constant strain and fear I was living in was abuse. 10 years to realize that it's not normal in a marriage for one person to bear the full responsibility that everything meet their partner's expectation of perfect at all times. I shouldn't have had to be the only consistent breadwinner, responsible for all practical aspects of every endeavor we attempted, who was then also completely to blame if even the smallest thing didn't go exactly the way my husband desired. Oh and did I mention there must be alcohol in the house at all times?<br> <br/> It wasn't until his family found me crying in the corner of a public restroom, because he was about to find out I messed up a plan, the repair of which would cut into cocktail hour, that I realized perhaps this pressure was too much.</p> <br/> <p>I finally brought myself, months later, to discuss with him that I felt like I was living in an abusive relationship. <br> <br/> As I'm able to reflect now on the results of the conversation I realize that is when the abuse got more subtle.<br> <br/> The emotional side became more about keeping things from me rather than punishing me after the fact and that is when the emotional strain I had all but accepted as part of my life became sheer mental abuse and anguish.<br> <br/> My marriage became a constant guessing game. Every decision, nearly all of which I consistently had to make on my own, was a gamble. Is this the time I will choose wrong? What will he withhold this time if I don't get this to work out perfectly?<br> <br/> Every day felt like a precarious balancing act and every decision a gamble filled with sheer terror.</p> <br/> <p>When I think of the adjustments I made over our twelve years to make this all feel like a normal way to live I am astounded!<br> <br/> I mention this all now, a month late, because yesterday my mantra of the last year: "at least I made it out with my life." Suddenly became all to real.</p> <br/> <p>Yesterday my husband's girlfriend attempted suicide. I hate to say I was not surprised to get the news. So many facets of her new life, for which she sacrificed so much, had to be utterly miserable.<br> <br/> What I hate the most though is the thought that anyone, especially someone who used to be a close friend, someone I can't help but care about, could find themselves in a place where this feels like their only option.<br> <br/> Convincing myself I was abused has been much harder than convincing those who know my story. In fact it is my friends and family who opened my eyes and gave me the strength and support to get out. I am so sad that She severed those important ties in order to pursue this love and found herself in such a horrific situation all alone.<br> <br/> I am relieved to know that her family is there with her, determined to take her home and help her get healthy.</p> <br/> <p>And now in an ultimate stroke of irony I am off to "the happiest place on earth" to celebrate my daughter and family and love that is pure and without expectation.</p> <br/> <div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2</div>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-15272668512270215812011-12-12T19:45:00.000-08:002011-12-12T19:45:06.538-08:00You don't have to be FreudI hate that I haven't had a lot to say lately. It's been a rough couple weeks and I'm really tired of sharing all the bad stuff. I feel like a broken record, or that friend you're scared to ask too many questions... for fear they might actually answer them. And lately no one would like the answers.<br />
<br />
I've hit a wall again. Suddenly it seems everywhere I turn in town I'm confronted with my husband's girlfriend. I'm not sure what suddenly changed. Tourists being gone, less places open in town to go, she's getting more comfortable here... I have no idea but suddenly she's everywhere.<br />
<br />
Taking Esme to the pool alone on days she's supposed to be with my husband. Dropping off forgotten clothes to Esme's daycare when I asked my husband to go. Coming over to kiss Esme goodbye at the coffee shop when we all happen to be there at the same time. I hate to say it but after a week filled with nightmares it's clearly more than I can handle.<br />
<br />
In the first nightmare I nearly drowned in Lake Superior trying to swim to an island in the middle and the majority of the dream was spent in a quandary about whether to go forward and die of exposure on the island, or try to swim back through the sudden all enveloping fog. I swam forward and lived thanks to an unexpected resort on the island that took me in, but....who should be staying there? You guessed it my husband. Life saved hurrah!! I think?<br />
<br />
A few nights later I talked my way out of being shot by a gunman in the middle of a city. I was hiding, he grabbed me and we were face to face. All I could think was "I'm supposed to humanize it, if I make him see me as an individual person he won't be able to shoot me." It worked and as he sprinted off and I turned to collapse in a heap from the rush of adrenaline I was shot in the back by his friend.<br />
<br />
You'd think that would be enough but oh no, it got worse. The night before my birthday I woke hyperventilating with tears streaming down my cheeks. I had dreamed Grand Marais was actually a college campus and there was some track and field style sporting event going on. Everywhere I went in town there was the girlfriend competing in some different event. Finally I cornered my husband in the bleachers and told him we had to talk about this. Just as we began talking she came walking towards us and he had to leave.<br />
That night I had to attend a dinner, as I arrived late there was only one seat open and you guessed it, it was right next to her. I made it through dinner but then there was some sort of talent show thing that she was in and I had a full on meltdown. I couldn't get to my shoes, coat or purse without walking right past her in the hallway where she was getting ready. So even though it was about 12 degrees out I just left, bare foot and freezing. Shaking my head and muttering "I just can't do this" over and over to myself the whole way.<br />
That was when I sat up with no breath and a wet pillow.<br />
<br />
So you can see, I began my birthday week with a bang. It took me until about 10:30 on my birthday to have any sort of conversation with anyone without crying. I was so exhausted from these stupid dreams and mentally such a mess.<br />
<br />
I hate most that I really love everything about this place. I just had one of the best birthdays of my life surrounded by people who love me like family and went out of their way to show their support for me and for Esme. There is nothing I don't like about living here (except the snow) and Them. I want to want to move. There are places I would love to live. SO many places I would love to live. I'm just hoping for a cosmic sign to coincide with the right timing...I guess, so I can finally begin to sort me out.Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-2172625726243972172011-12-12T19:44:00.000-08:002011-12-12T19:44:09.634-08:00Outfit of the Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibBYnut6C8pXwbpKo946ZGtidJ3nh7DAKS-9ON9BspneWHywTnHLL99xsAMsjy0ZxKzVi0NU8feH575NmU8nOtMh8vhvIh6rtgL2Fuy6L9PrHJfBUXfAKHPziklnbril4Slq-7ur_l2BiZ/s1600/flower+tail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibBYnut6C8pXwbpKo946ZGtidJ3nh7DAKS-9ON9BspneWHywTnHLL99xsAMsjy0ZxKzVi0NU8feH575NmU8nOtMh8vhvIh6rtgL2Fuy6L9PrHJfBUXfAKHPziklnbril4Slq-7ur_l2BiZ/s320/flower+tail.jpg" width="180" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It just seemed wrong to not give Esme's "flower tail" a place in the outfit hall of fame.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-36396911521888614822011-11-30T20:00:00.001-08:002011-11-30T20:00:55.500-08:00EsmeToday is the day I begin life with a four year old. As she exited the dinner table proclaiming herself done (with half a bowl of food still in front of her) and answered my question "What do you say at the end of a meal?" with "thank you" instead of "may I be excused" then followed that up by choosing not to clear her place...I said "Well, here we go! Four looks like fun!"<br />
<br />
She redeemed herself by clearing her dessert dish without being asked and generally returning to her pleasant self. But all day I've been thinking how did I get a four year old? She's like a person now. She has her own thoughts, about <u>everything</u>, she asks insightful questions, uses big words, buckles herself into a seatbelt, has phone conversations (sometimes with people she's called herself without my knowledge). No more baby, no more toddler. Person, small person, but fairly fully formed, right here in my house. So of course every year at this time I have to remember how it all began:<br />
<br />
Four years ago this morning I got up at 4am to pee just like I did every morning of the month before that. I lay back down, and immediately had to get up to pee again. This is odd I thought, but I got up again, parted with a few more drops and lay back down. I had to get up again... okay, this really is weird I thought. And as I sat down on the toilet for the third time in like 4 minutes, a little light bulb went off. I remembered reading somewhere that most women's water doesn't break in a gush like the movies. It's more like a trickle... feels like you have to pee all the time.<br />
So this is it I thought, my water is breaking. This Is It...My Water Is Breaking! And the pack and play isn't assembled, and we're not packed for the hospital, and the dog sitters haven't been trained, and I still have a full week of work to get done....<br />
Okay. Pack and play it is!<br />
So I stayed up. Assembled the pack and play, packed the hospital bag then planted myself on the couch with a heavy bathrobe and towel under me, prepared to do as many hours of work as possible. I'd been told by many people that staying still was the enemy of labor progressing. Technically there was no labor yet so I figured if I could just stay as still as possible I could make it at least a few hours.<br />
At about 7 I finally woke my husband "Don't panic, really, it's okay, I think my water broke this morning." [Bleary eyes pop open wide as sand dollars] "No really don't panic, it's just that the water keeps leaking and I need you to go to the pharmacy and get me pads or something."<br />
"But we haven't even trained the dog sitters!"<br />
"It's okay we have plenty of time, like hours, we'll be fine. I just need you to go to the pharmacy."<br />
He returns 15 minutes later "they don't open til 8."<br />
"We live in Manhattan for pete's sake, you can't walk a few extra blocks to the 24 hour pharmacy? Never mind, I'll make it another hour."<br />
So I stay planted doing my work while he goes on with his day. Training the dog sitters, attending some lunch thing.<br />
Finally just after noon when everyone (husband and the dog walkers) has just returned from the lunch thing I feel the first pains. I finally decide I should call my boss and tell her what's going on and I also call the co-worker taking over for me while I'm gone. They both hustle me off the phone just as I'm experiencing my first inability to breathe moments.<br />
I still have a couple e mails to send off before my work is done and my sister always told me that all she wanted while in labor was a hot bath, and that it really eased the pain of contractions. Nothing had ever sounded better than a shower did at that moment so one of our dog sitters (they're god-mothers now by the way) followed me into the bathroom to finish typing up the e mails while I showered.<br />
Upon entering the shower my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. The doctor told me not to call until they were about 5 minutes apart. Husband popped his head in and timed about two contractions in the 15 minutes I was in the shower and when they suddenly hit 5 minutes he panicked. No problem I said, that's <i>just</i> when we're supposed to call the doctor, we've got plenty of time.<br />
They forced me out of the shower, into some clothes, and wouldn't even let me blow dry my hair. The four of us rushed downstairs and out to the corner where our fearless native New Yorker in the ranks nearly accosted a woman about to get into a cab.<br />
"This woman's in labor" [and about to faint from embarrassment rather than pain] "Can they please take your cab to the hospital?"<br />
As a look of confusion crossed the woman's face (perhaps it was the please) she slowly agreed and we hopped in. The cabbie surely heard the whole exchange and after one look at me, which must have been more telling than I would have guessed, said "We're not going to be on the evening news are we?" I have to say that was by far the cheapest cab ride we had our entire time in Manhattan!<br />
I'm guessing it was about 2:30 when we got to the hospital and no one seemed any too concerned about the woman writhing in pain on her chair in the maternity check-in. Finally a nurse on her fifth or sixth pass through the room. Stopped, looked closely at me and said we better get you into a room. Seemed like a great idea to me.<br />
I think we got into that room at about 3:30. The anesthesiologist stopped by, looked at me, whispered something to the nurse and left. The nurse gave me a few nervous, side-long glances and I said "I'm not getting an epidural am I?"<br />
"No, you're too far along she said."<br />
"Okay! Ooookay."<br />
I think the biggest blessing I experienced that day was to stumble into the hands of a nurse mid-wife on her last day in labor and delivery." Without her my labor experience would have been much more mentally painful. She knew just when to cheer, when to encourage, when to be forceful. She was calming, insightful, and patient.<br />
I barely remember the pushing. I remember standing at a high counter in the room, hanging from it with my arms straight. I remember my husband being told to hold a leg, I remember the ice chips, I remember there was some screaming, I remember the pain of being sewn up afterwards (at which point there was a multitude of screaming, including the first swear words uttered all day).<br />
I have this sensation somewhere in the back of my mind that it all must have been excruciating. But for the life of me I can't remember that it actually was.<br />
I remember most clearly the moment they placed Esme on my chest. She immediately began to nurse like it was what she was born to do. I think that is the moment that every other memory, about what it took to get her there, simply disappeared.Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-11953675958726577962011-11-30T20:00:00.000-08:002011-11-30T20:00:39.780-08:00Outfit of the Day<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2FWM3vEO1kRd6pqYSynCb42K3VMuPxdX1uqSClZSBP1ryVgQke1YLX1eHjCS3o-7xgIyAioN1nScA_rjm40Ct7_bnXxNbcJJCJlZiNnlI23gpDJgAsfFyQlSAPxV91kqVo4ROsAvKMOM5/s1600/377300_2682317494165_1143153879_33049602_1927023488_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2FWM3vEO1kRd6pqYSynCb42K3VMuPxdX1uqSClZSBP1ryVgQke1YLX1eHjCS3o-7xgIyAioN1nScA_rjm40Ct7_bnXxNbcJJCJlZiNnlI23gpDJgAsfFyQlSAPxV91kqVo4ROsAvKMOM5/s400/377300_2682317494165_1143153879_33049602_1927023488_n.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Four Year Old</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-80484268817917634842011-11-27T19:03:00.001-08:002011-11-27T19:03:55.058-08:00The Esme Top TenMy S-I-L is having a baby and my M-I-L asked me for "words of wisdom" to take to her shower:<br />
so here's my top ten:<br />
<br />
Susannah Don't read this if you want to be surprised at your shower!<br />
<br />
1) Always talk in full sentences (if you want a talker), just tell them what you're doing as you move through your day, talk away, engage them. Always.<br />
<br />
2) Don't ever let them fall down a flight of stairs, it's the worst feeling ever, but if it happens always remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.<br />
<br />
3) You don't have to have a "scheduled baby" unless you want one.<br />
<br />
4) Breast feeding lying down is the best thing no one ever tells you about.<br />
<br />
5) Your boob is portable...every other night time routine, not so much. Bedtime is always a trade-off, it will always suck... Your boob is portable.<br />
<br />
6) Bedtime will always suck.<br />
(if it doesn't you may not want to have child #2)<br />
<br />
7) "Sleep when the baby sleeps" is ridiculous. Sleep when someone else is there to take care of the kid when it wakes up in the middle of your sleeping. Otherwise...do some laundry<br />
(sad to say you'll thank me for this huh?)<br />
<br />
8) The squirt bottle of water they send you home from the hospital with...it's like crack. Crack bottle.<br />
<br />
9) Even if you hate your voice, sing to your kid. Hearing them sing is so worth it.<br />
<br />
10) Do what feels right. You'll know what right is for you. Ask around, get advice, use what you like. You'll know what's right immediately. That's the best thing about a baby, all the feeling.<br />
<br />
Do what feels right!<br />
<br />
It's Esme's Birthday week...so more to come on babies!Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-36487467961414562772011-11-27T19:03:00.000-08:002011-11-27T19:03:16.424-08:00Outfit of the DayMore like outfit of the month lately huh?<br />
<br />
Can you believe this is my (nearly) four year old?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0GRLkD2hdtm3DtPbJVochol2XP8aCHI-WCp71EzLS4Y7lvvlhxGE1Cv5XgmAQkujSSsYWMyCW3QNM6lwnoV0lucrCYe3K3x4xhWFXglzROLIjyZuqy4Vb-JGRoy7y-qRrPDSowkBcsjxx/s1600/2011-11-08_17-48-18_222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0GRLkD2hdtm3DtPbJVochol2XP8aCHI-WCp71EzLS4Y7lvvlhxGE1Cv5XgmAQkujSSsYWMyCW3QNM6lwnoV0lucrCYe3K3x4xhWFXglzROLIjyZuqy4Vb-JGRoy7y-qRrPDSowkBcsjxx/s400/2011-11-08_17-48-18_222.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-38830615946660894072011-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:002011-11-21T18:47:14.998-08:00My Homily<b>Our church is lay led and that means everyone takes turns doing everything (well pretty much everything) including the sermon. I was asked to preach this past sunday and that is part of why I haven't had many blog posts lately. I think all my brain cells were working together to create this:</b><br />
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">“May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing unto you O God.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I sat down to start collecting some of my thoughts for today and Esme asked what I was doing. I explained that I would be telling the story at church this week, immediately she wanted to know what it was about.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Perfect! I thought, maybe retelling this gospel at a four year old level will help clarify some of my thoughts about things.</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, I explained how there was a shepherd with sheep and goats. That he asked all the sheep to go to one side of him and all the goats to the other. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I tried to gloss over the first obvious difficulty in this passage by saying “then Jesus compares the sheep and goats to humans” – quick pause – no questions, okay that was successful. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Next I explained how the sheep took good care of the other sheep around them; when their friends were sick they took care of them, if someone needed clothes or food they shared anything that person needed.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Wait, mom, the sheep had clothes?” </div><div class="MsoNormal">Should have seen that coming…</div><div class="MsoNormal">”remember? It’s a comparison, Jesus is just using the sheep and goats to explain how he wants us to act.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I wrapped up with a couple quick sentences about how the sheep got rewarded with a really great surprise and that the goats who didn’t take care of their friends got… well … you know how we talk about “I love you infinity?” They got the opposite of that, pretty much an eternity without love.</div><div class="MsoNormal">She didn’t even miss a beat as her eyes got really big </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Why did the goats not share?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I knew it was in there somewhere. I sit here thinking about the misery of an eternity without love, how do you even begin to talk about that? We may just have to ignore those goats…She goes right to root of the problem.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Why did the goats not share? </div><div class="MsoNormal">Why did the man last week bury his money? </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I can only come up with one answer:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">FEAR. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I think there are a million things we can fear; loss, anger, betrayal, endangerment, not having enough for ourselves. But like that man we see once again where giving in to that fear gets you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Jesus is showing us the opposite of fear is risk. </div><div class="MsoNormal">We must risk!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There are some frightening images that flash before my eyes even as I say that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">Oh wait, I actually am standing here.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The first time I read through this passage I was immediately struck with thoughts of hypocrisy and the age-old dilemma of words vs. deeds. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I feel somehow confident, especially given the goats shock at their judgment; that they thought they were doing all the right things. They were probably assuredly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">saying</i> all the right things. But the part of me who listened last Sunday realizing that risk is a mandate, can’t seem to stop with just deeds. It seems to me it has to be about relationship.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Perhaps this notion of caring for those around us, for doing unto the least of these is not just about doing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can go to the lunch and dinner serving of empty bowls and donate twice at each one. But if I’ve overlooked an acquaintance who really needed a friend and missed a chance to invite them to come with me for that bowl of soup then I might as well have done nothing. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This is where we realize that Christianity, that faith, is about relationship. Not just with God but also with the community around me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It may seem a leap but… We’ve been watching Mister Rogers Neighborhood lately and Alyssa and I have been so marveling at the draw that he has for all children that we recently spent an evening reading about him on Wikipedia. You don’t have to read half of what’s there, coupled with an ounce of experience watching the show to realize why everyone is so drawn in.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Mister Rogers was genuine. He addressed kids with an earnestness that no one can miss. There was no condescension, or patronizing. He simply picked things he thought truly mattered to kids and talked to them honestly about those topics.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">When I think about the message Jesus is trying to send in this gospel I think about Mister Rogers. We are called to risk, to face up to our fears and address our friends, family, neighbors, honestly. To risk every bit of ourselves in honest interactions with those around us, and just hope that if we can be half as genuine as Mister Rogers we can’t help but also be meeting their needs.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">May the God who calls us into relationship with all; bless us with the desire to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, welcome the stranger, and to risk boldly in the face of our fears.</div><!--EndFragment-->Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-65767287951764602482011-11-19T07:56:00.000-08:002011-11-19T07:56:15.485-08:00More on my opinions of myself coming soon<table style="border-collapse: collapse; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"><tbody>
<tr align="center" valign="top"><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" width="100%"><img border="0" src="http://www.storypeople.com/webImage/header/HeadStoryPeople.gif" /></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" valign="top" width="30%"><a href="http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?storyID=2988" style="color: #0000cc;" target="_blank"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://www.storypeople.com/webImage/sketch/BW-023.gif" width="225" /></a></td><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" valign="top" width="70%"><table cellpadding="20"><tbody>
<tr><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="color: #6600cc; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: bolder;">Here's the Story of the Day:</span></td></tr>
<tr><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.storypeople.com/storypeople/WebStory.do?storyID=2988" style="color: #0000cc;" target="_blank"><span style="color: red; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bolder; line-height: normal; text-decoration: none;">Original Drawing #1900-Boxed Book Set</span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 18px; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; line-height: normal; text-decoration: none; text-transform: none;">Today she decided to be suitably ambiguous, so you can think whatever you like about her (Amount of time scheduled for the opinions of others = Zero)</span></td></tr>
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</tbody></table>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-61509746066742266812011-11-07T19:00:00.000-08:002011-11-07T19:09:19.987-08:00A woman who stands for nothing will fall..."When you're a kid you go down the road you go down. You don't get to choose. You emulate what you see. And you learn what you stand for... and what you'll fall for."<br />
<br />
This is my biggest fear. That my daughter, like all of us is being tossed down a road not of her choosing. A road that will teach her to tolerate the intolerable and stand for things no woman should ever choose. I worry that instead of having distinct experiences of things she wants to stand for vs. things she will fall for. That those experiences will instead be so inextricable that as an adult she will think she's standing upright, tall and proud. Simply to wonder moments later what it was that knocked her out.<br />
<br />
Like any mom I worry about my own issues being ones my daughter also will not easily overcome. When I think about how we all want our children's lives to be easier than our own I don't think about money, or ipads or organic food. I think about the simultaneous love of two parents, the knowledge that you are good enough, smart enough and gosh darn-it people like you.<br />
<br />
I've spent the week composing an e mail in response to a particularly vicious one from my husband. He leaves me constantly questioning myself, the experience I know to be reality. He, more than anyone I know can construct alternate realities from the shifting sand beneath him. It is more than enough to leave anyone wondering where the sanity lies and I find it takes every ounce of my being to not get sucked in, to not be completely overwhelmed by the anger and insecurity of it all.<br />
<br />
Because that's the real secret. If he can make his enemies more angry and more insecure than he is then he wins.<br />
And that is my biggest fear. Raising a daughter who is so angry, and so insecure that she can never be sure who she actually is. I don't care who, or what Esme grows up to be. As long as she is a genuine creature who continues to care about the well-being of others. She can grow up to be Oscar the Grouch or Ariel for all I care. I just want her to care, about everything and be engaged enough in things outside herself that she can be healthy. Even Oscar had friends he cared about.<br />
<br />
And that brings us full circle back to the episode of Parenthood that spawned that quote. Some of us are more healthy than we ever will be again, at 4, or at 16. For some of us it takes a lifetime. How do you begin to know when, where, how you are healthy? And how do you claim that, retain it and move forward through the rest of your life? How do you help your children do the same? Eternal questions.<br />
<br />
This is one where I would love thoughts...What makes you healthy? Whole? How do you raise your children to be the people you want running the world?Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-14524515290775845602011-10-31T18:57:00.000-07:002011-10-31T18:57:24.336-07:00Just the beginning of a happy holiday seasonHere's to a very successful Halloween!<br />
Esme was very happy with her choice of a cat costume. And she really loved my face paint.<br />
We had fun walking the neighborhood with friends. She came home with a bag of candy practically heavier than she is.<br />
I walked more today than I have in a week and didn't even get dizzy! And I had a glass of red wine tonight which sounded good for the first time in a week.<br />
<br />
All in all I deem this holiday a great success.<br />
As a little health update I'll just share that I haven't passed out since the episodes last week but I have continued to experience extreme dizziness especially when laying down. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and they are going to check on the possibility of anemia as well as inner ear/vertigo issues.<br />
<br />
We also celebrated the churchy version of Halloween with an All Saints service in church on Sunday. People were supposed to bring a picture of anyone they wanted to remember and then there was a time where we could also remember them aloud.<br />
Many of us did not get the memo about bringing a photograph and so were encouraged to write the name of a loved one and place that on the alter with the photographs. In true Jennye fashion I went back and forth about how I felt about including my mom's name but decided at the last minute it would be nice for Esme to place her grandma's name on the alter.<br />
Then it came to the sharing...People somehow drifted into a pattern of sharing something their loved one had taught them and so my thoughts frantically steered in that direction as well...how could I sum up one thing my mother taught me in our short life together? I just couldn't.<br />
So with tears I could not hold back, I shared how there wasn't just one thing my mother had taught me. How lucky I had been to have her as my only teacher and my mother until I was eight. That more than just one thing it felt like she taught me everything I knew, right up until the day she died. <br />
<br />
I've continued to think about this since church and to realize how much, more than I could ever know, she did in those early years to make me the person I am now. I think because of her I spend a lot of days interacting with Esme and thinking if this is all she has of me what do I want it to be.<br />
I don't mean that to sound morbid at all (or lasseiz faire) but it really is a formative thought as a parent. How do you infuse into each day, each interaction, the values you want your child to grow up cherishing?<br />
I can't help but think that thoughts similar to those must have weighed heavily on my mom in her last years. I remember times when she seemed demanding and her standards seemed high. I also know she had me involved in every activity under the sun.<br />
And now I can thank her, for helping me to have so many options for becoming the person I am, and for, at the same time giving me distinct direction in the important things. The how to be a good person, friend, mother things.<br />
<br />
So, on that note;<br />
Happy Halloween!Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-24050720587727108172011-10-31T18:55:00.000-07:002011-10-31T18:55:59.056-07:00Outfit of the Day<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNo4lSvFUQU8V7Tl6Odrtse6MAAy9bVPFR3acamOBMsYTrxmEQa0hynpAXgpfGK8OlTr2m65UR0QH33gE2H4_5FzSpfIv1n5cTIbNxjiuNWVgpxOqDT7mF6ynEnmVPaQshj3VUhoFt-RAz/s1600/2011-10-31_17-18-36_161.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNo4lSvFUQU8V7Tl6Odrtse6MAAy9bVPFR3acamOBMsYTrxmEQa0hynpAXgpfGK8OlTr2m65UR0QH33gE2H4_5FzSpfIv1n5cTIbNxjiuNWVgpxOqDT7mF6ynEnmVPaQshj3VUhoFt-RAz/s640/2011-10-31_17-18-36_161.jpg" width="361" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meet Olivia and Elizabeth<br />
(To avoid confusion...Olivia is the Pumpkin Moonshine and Elizabeth is the kitty)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-38246751429831887132011-10-27T18:51:00.000-07:002011-10-27T18:51:22.257-07:00I thought my kid was supposed to take care of me in my OLD age?Just when I thought my luck was turning...<br />
Someone (okay probably more than one someone) once mentioned to me that perhaps my blog is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps there are so many calamities because I'm calling them into being.<br />
Well after this week I may be inclined to agree.<br />
<br />
Wee in the hours of Wednesday morning I woke up from a sound sleep thanks to cramps that felt exactly like the ones I experienced a year and a half ago when I had a cyst rupture. Back then the pain was so intense that the doctor I saw scheduled me for an appendectomy. I had even the met the team of surgeons when the tests they did showed that it was instead a ruptured cyst (those guys looked so broken hearted).<br />
<br />
Anyway...I lay in bed thinking this is not good. I got up to get advil and a heating pad and in the course of my tasks I woke up twice laying on my bathroom floor. The second time I distinctly remember waking up thinking, "Why do I keep laying down on this floor... it is not even comfortable?" That was the moment it hit me that I was not laying down.<br />
<br />
I was fainting!<br />
<br />
I made it back to bed with the heating pad, having taken the advil, and woke up the next morning feeling much the worse for the wear but with the cramps gone. I made it to work, but felt very off all morning. Everyone said I looked pale and my head felt fuzzy. But I didn't really have any other "symptoms" so I carried on with my day determined to ignore my "offness".<br />
<br />
About mid-day I ran an errand for work and as I was getting back in my car I suddenly felt it start moving. I panicked thinking "why on earth is my car moving" and braced myself as hard as I could between the door and the body to stop it's descent down the driveway. As my vision came back and the world spun around me I realized the car hadn't budged an inch, and had I not braced myself so solidly I would have been back down on the ground.<br />
<br />
I finally gave in and called the clinic. I saw a doctor who of course was mostly at a loss as to what could be causing this. She was great! She listened to me and asked really thoughtful questions that helped me realize things I wouldn't have thought to include. They ran some tests (good news, I'm not pregnant!) and discovered we really just need to run some more tests. The doctor has some good ideas of things that might be causing this and apologized for "sending me back out into the world to faint left and right" but I'll be back in the clinic next week to look further into some of her theories.<br />
<br />
In the meantime I got to come home and teach my daughter whose picture to look for on my phone (thank God for smart phones) if I seem to be "sleeping" at a funny time or in a funny place. I then taught her how to dial 911. She handled it all really well. She got just a bit nervous that something really bad might happen but then she was so excited to learn how to handle it. She spend the whole evening saying "can I practice the numbers again mom?"<br />
<br />
Today I have felt like I'm running at about 80% for most of the day. I've felt almost normal right up until these out of the blue moments where I feel so exhausted I could just lay my head down and fall asleep anywhere. Then that passes and I feel pretty good again. I've only had to slow down my steps or brace myself about twice and I've only felt nauseous once. So all that to say, I guess this isn't nothing, but I haven't fainted again and that at least seems like good news.<br />
<br />
I'll keep you all posted on the results of things as they come in. And if you get a call from Esme in the next couple days... well... stay calm, have her put the phone up to my ear and yell really loud!Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-34530312862416098042011-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:002011-10-24T20:47:00.671-07:00It's not like I'm going to meltWell, I guess it goes without saying that Friday night was a bit of a rough night...<br />
I went back and forth about posting, and then I went back and forth about deleting the post once I had.<br />
But as I re-read it on Saturday I realized I actually felt really good about being honest. This is a roller coaster I'm on and if the reality of my emotions can help someone else feel less crazy in a similar situation then I definitely want to share them. It's no fun to feel crazy.<br />
<br />
I can't thank those of you who commented enough, for what you said. Your words were helpful and I really appreciated that you took the time. It takes a village!<br />
<br />
I do want to clarify a couple things from my little meltdown.<br />
First, and most important...I'm not feeling like I need someone right now. In fact quite the opposite, I'm well aware I'm not ready for someone. I just know I want someone eventually and that's enough pressure all in itself.<br />
Second, I did realize at some point on Saturday that I was asked out on a date once. One time. I mean, I guess that's 100% better than what I posted on Friday so huzzah! Way to blow things out of proportion me, clearly I've over-reacted about nothing.<br />
Also along those lines, I wanted to clarify that this predicament I think about when I'm feeling lonely and down about myself is not a new one. These are the same thoughts I had for all the years of high school... and college... and after... when my friends were dating and I was not.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure how to explain it, but, I feel very secure about myself as a business woman, as a mom, as a sister, or a friend. I just don't understand (and thus don't feel secure when it comes to) how men see me. And there aren't a lot of men you can ask about this, Who's going to speak up and say: "well, you're too clingy, you're psychotic, maybe if you fixed your lazy eye or your uni-brow". You see my point.<br />
<br />
If this were some new, post wrecking ball vs marriage situation I don't think I'd even be thinking about it. But instead it's the one lingering insecurity left from my adolescent years. I was just hoping I'd never have to face it again.<br />
<br />
So none of this feels pressing. I'm not in a race to find a new man. It all just lingers...<br />
<br />
It is like being on a theme park roller coaster, only this special, ahh-mazing roller coaster was built entirely in a big pool of water, and it's a drizzly, just slightly too cold, overcast day outside (you know the kind where the whole family goes home with those florescent tie-dyed sweatshirts cause no one dressed appropriately). Anyway as you race toward the bottom of a big hill and you see the pool of water that the coaster sits in you know you're going to be even more wet as soon as you get down there. Normally you can ignore the wet. Hell, on a sunny day that water can feel divine. But today... more water is just not what you need. So the drop is even more dramatic than normal, you're screaming not just because it's all happening so fast but because you're really tired of being wet.<br />
<br />
Friday night I just really didn't want to be wet, and I really hate those damn sweatshirts. But, after a few days of sunshine, friends and time with my daughter I realized things are fine, they will always be fine. The peaks wouldn't be nearly as great without the valleys... and what's a little water? I mean I did grow up in Oregon after all.Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8094000222848923409.post-260880021967569892011-10-24T20:40:00.000-07:002011-10-24T20:40:36.934-07:00Outfit of the DayPuppy Edition:<br />
<br />
Apparently it's puppy week here in Grand Marais. At least 4 times a day Esme asks, "When can we get a puppy, mama?" So thanks ya'll!<br />
Last weekend our friends adopted little Ruby Junebug from a shelter in the cities.<br />
And this weekend our favorite family adopted a Bernese Mountain Dog, Statia Bubbles:<br />
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And my M-I-L and her partner adopted a Golden Retriever they named Sophia:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLHYYSTwXx9XYn7OOD7LbXXAi081YttYk0ZM4UjNRXcq92eClINu8l2zjUyKdAZMK26puWqgsbpnMyodfzuAq9eJAY7lDkgIpqiGwYuAJWle7kPewlTo5p8ns-N1-7_WFt9r474IkGFs_K/s1600/2011-10-23_13-39-07_524.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLHYYSTwXx9XYn7OOD7LbXXAi081YttYk0ZM4UjNRXcq92eClINu8l2zjUyKdAZMK26puWqgsbpnMyodfzuAq9eJAY7lDkgIpqiGwYuAJWle7kPewlTo5p8ns-N1-7_WFt9r474IkGFs_K/s320/2011-10-23_13-39-07_524.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>Calamity Jennyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09600841489448469659noreply@blogger.com0