A Voice from the past

I just spent an hour and a half sifting through a box of all of our old photos. I kept waiting for the pain to wash over me and feeling shocked that it just wasn’t coming.

Finally about ¾ of the way through I came across a sort of diary entry I wrote in the first month that my husband and I met. As soon as I saw it, scribbled on the back of a program from the show I was directing at the time. That creepy “you may not want to read this, but you won’t be able to resist” feeling came over me.

And so read I did:

(there are definitely some young love, painful to re-read moments in here…don’t judge too much)

“What is going on…I’m not quite sure? I’m really scared that I’m a lot further into this than I want to be. Up until yesterday I didn’t feel that I’d be that sad if he left my life as quickly as he came into it. But now I’m sure I would be.

I never meant to be this attached or involved. It all just happened so fast, way to fast, he mentioned last night how it’s awkward to be together with other people and he was right. It’s ‘cause we feel so close, and yet there are little things I don’t know about him, like when I wanted to stop and get him coffee this morning, but I wasn’t sure. We just need time and that’s so hard.

I don’t want him to know that I always want him around; sometimes I don’t know how to be completely honest & still be wise about the situation at the same time. I just want to hear his thoughts. I could sit and listen to him forever. (all I can see when I read this line are silly googly eyes)

Am I romanticizing this too much? Is he going to get sick of me soon? That really scares me, what if he just all of a sudden changes his mind? What if he goes out to coffee with (name withheld to protect the not at all innocent) and doesn’t come back?

I suppose that’s what I really have to prepare myself for.

Sometimes I wonder how much I should tell him. I guess I have no right to be worried about scaring him away. If this is going to work out it’ll work out. If not it won’t.

I just don’t know how to find the fine line between protecting my heart & being honest.”

I was just talking with a friend yesterday who was telling me about these researchers who have done all this work looking at marriages. The work they do is sort of like the show Lie To Me (our current addiction on Netflix). These researchers have honed their art to such a degree that within a ten minute conversation they can determine with 95% accuracy whether you’ll still be married in 15 years. In a five minute conversation their accuracy is 90%. P.S. The number one predictor they look for is contempt.

Another thing that came up in this conversation was that they advise people contemplating any major commitment to always go with their gut instinct. They cited all these studies about how even when we are not aware of it at all our brain knows the right thing to do long before we know, we know.

I mention all of this because as she was telling me, all I could remember were the times people had told me, really early on in our relationship, that I would, or should marry my future husband. I remember honestly thinking no way! He’s a great friend; I feel very confused; but this is not the man I’m going to marry. In my most honest memories I remember that as my gut instinct.

Reading these thoughts from the same time period it stands out to me that, as usual, my gut instinct was a bit more nuanced than that. I mention worrying that he is just going to meet up with his ex-girlfriend and never return. And I mention my greatest fear as the fact that he will just change his mind some day and I won’t see it coming. I love that in the same month I met the man I told myself how to prepare for the end. I just had no idea it would take 12 years for that end to come.

Damn those researchers! How could they be so right? How could I be so right, for that matter? I saw it coming 12 years ago and yet, when it came right down to it my greatest fear was fulfilled and still I was blindsided… Well, I guess that’s love!