Calamity Jennye

Thursday, June 9, 2011

How does it feel?

Life has been rough lately.
I don't know a time that life doesn't feel a little rough. But lately I am without words. I'm barely surviving and I think I've gone into some sort of power save/shutdown in order to preserve the parts of me necessary to complete day to day tasks.
I swore I'd be honest when I started this blog, and to be honest... lately it's been too hard to even be honest.
A couple weeks ago I had so much hope. Things were on the upswing and I was totally ready for it.

Then out of the blue, WHAM...a tree.

I'm only surviving and I'm so glad to be doing that. I think I'll be doing a lot of processing soon but I don't even have energy for that lately. 
Just today I finally started crying which I think is a good sign that I'm starting to feel things again. 
I've been taking less tylenol and ibuprofen for my foot as it starts to heal and I think a real life may be around the corner.  As soon as I can.....

I don't know what to say. I've had no desire to drink anything lately and I finally had a couple (in this case a couple does actually mean two) drinks's a bit inconvenient as it makes me feel I'd just like to sit in a darkened room and cry for a few hours (or days). It's easier to not feel when I'm totally in control of everything. but feeling is important. I am trying to feel my way through this.

And right now it feels like shit. To feel so close to having my own life, a life I really want and have worked so hard to carve out for myself, out of a life that I didn't want.
And now, as I prepare to move into a brand new home, with an empty fridge and kitchen  it's not even a wise decision to hobble around the grocery store for myself. I should be open to letting to others do that for me.

Well. I can only go so far. It feels like too much. I can't make a list, I have no energy to figure out exactly what I need. I've let others do a lot for me, but I need to do for myself. I really need to finally build a life, a kitchen, a sewing area (I'm well aware I can't buy that at a grocery store).  So here it goes....

I promise more updates, more feelings, more reality. 
Just as soon as I'm in a space to have room for all these feelings. 


  1. HI!
    After our trip and our broken computer, i'm just now checking in and catching up. And, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry about your ankle. It's hard enough to deal with the emotional pain and heartache- but to have physical pain on top of it to deal with? That must be torture. I hope you find a way to rest that ankle.

    I hope you get back to that acupuncturist soon- sounds like it was really beneficial for you. Did you feel better after, too?

  2. oh jennye. i wish i could beam myself to you. if i could i would take you grocery shopping in a wheelchair and push you really close to the shelves so you could choose your own food. and we'd make sure to get some reeses pieces and any other health foods that might help you feel better.

    and for what it's worth, i think you should live far away from andrew. you can come live in my living room! i love you.

    love, jess

  3. Hugs and lots of love. You are so brave!!