How does it feel?

Life has been rough lately.

I don't know a time that life doesn't feel a little rough. But lately I am without words. I'm barely surviving and I think I've gone into some sort of power save/shutdown in order to preserve the parts of me necessary to complete day to day tasks.

I swore I'd be honest when I started this blog, and to be honest... lately it's been too hard to even be honest.

A couple weeks ago I had so much hope. Things were on the upswing and I was totally ready for it.

Then out of the blue, WHAM...a tree.

I'm only surviving and I'm so glad to be doing that. I think I'll be doing a lot of processing soon but I don't even have energy for that lately. 

Just today I finally started crying which I think is a good sign that I'm starting to feel things again. 

I've been taking less tylenol and ibuprofen for my foot as it starts to heal and I think a real life may be around the corner.  As soon as I can.....

I don't know what to say. I've had no desire to drink anything lately and I finally had a couple (in this case a couple does actually mean two) drinks tonight...it's a bit inconvenient as it makes me feel I'd just like to sit in a darkened room and cry for a few hours (or days). It's easier to not feel when I'm totally in control of everything. but feeling is important. I am trying to feel my way through this.

And right now it feels like shit. To feel so close to having my own life, a life I really want and have worked so hard to carve out for myself, out of a life that I didn't want.

And now, as I prepare to move into a brand new home, with an empty fridge and kitchen  it's not even a wise decision to hobble around the grocery store for myself. I should be open to letting to others do that for me.

Well. I can only go so far. It feels like too much. I can't make a list, I have no energy to figure out exactly what I need. I've let others do a lot for me, but I need to do for myself. I really need to finally build a life, a kitchen, a sewing area (I'm well aware I can't buy that at a grocery store).  So here it goes....

I promise more updates, more feelings, more reality. 

Just as soon as I'm in a space to have room for all these feelings.