Calamity Jennye

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

On the upswing... even in left field

Well,  I can't begin with another apology because I've always told Esme it's no good apologizing if you just intend to repeat the behavior.
I have not intended to repeat this negligent behavior but it looks like I have.
Things are on the upswing and I think I've even found a funny story to tell.
I had to go back to the doctor this week and I haven't talked a lot about it because this particular visit involves something that is a little too much TMI.

So consider this your warning...If you don't appreciate knowing some details of the inner workings of the female body. If you'd rather leave them at questions like "So did they discover you're a woman?" which was my friend Jon's preference...stop reading here:
(I'll give you a sign below where you may want to pick up again)

I finally followed the advice of a wise co-worker and made an appointment for my yearly female doctorly adventure coupled with a STD test, something I sadly never would have thought of my own but clearly should have since my husband already gave my HPV early on in our relationship.
In any case, while I was at the doctor, straining my muscles in order to not put any weight on my broken right ankle which was resting precariously in the stirrup, she discovered. Or rather did not discover the strings of my IUD.
"Has any other doctor had trouble finding the strings?", "have you ever felt the strings?" Both very good questions I thought, and in a move that shows a total disregard for self knowledge I had to answer "I don't think so?" to both.

This scenario ended with me actually pulling a very inconvenient muscle while she fished for the strings (also very inconvenient I might add) and straining my jaw from apparently gritting my teeth at the same time. Well, my jaw still isn't the same time and this week I got to add an ultrasound to my weekly x-ray appointment.

I went into the room for my ultrasound and was immediately informed of what a poor job I had done filling my bladder before coming in. He showed me all the space my bladder should have been taking up on his nifty screen, had I filled it properly. And then informed me that we would be adding a vaginal ultrasound to our list of festivities for the day.

I can say quite confidently that as a woman who has never even owned a vibrator, inserting an eight inch long wand into myself with two people of whom you know is about to use said wand as a sort of "joystick" (seriously, no pun intended...but is that where that term came from?) is not the most fun endeavor.

I carried on with all the sobriety, and lack of eye contact, I could muster even managing to ask the watching nurse a few polite questions while the ultrasound tech maneuvered his way through the requisite photos.

The most heart-stopping moments of the whole day came when he pushed some button on the machine and I heard out of the blue what sounded an awful lot like the heartbeat I heard in the months before Esme was born.  Some sort of extreme panic must have registered on my face because the technician quickly said "don't worry...that's just the blood in your left ovary, it's still alive."  Despite my best efforts my heart still skipped a little beat as the same sound came on for the right side and he replied "we're batting a thousand."

"As long as there's no kid in there, we sure are!" I thought.

He discovered the IUD exactly where it should be as busy as any left fielder you can imagine. but there, manning it's post, which is actually the important thing in the end...not floating around the ballpark looking for the best combo of beer and nachos it can find simply because it knows no one will miss it.

THIS is where you can start reading again (I'm done being awkward for tonight):
Thankfully the good news carried on, as I moved on to my foot appointment and word that it is healing perfectly. I can continue to put weight on it and the doctor doesn't even need to see me for two more weeks!

I'm 95% moved in to the new apartment....the only boxes left are packed away under the stairs waiting for the days I'm not on crutches. I get to go to the cities this weekend for a big Target / Costco run and I anticipate a return to reality, myself and full-time blogging next week.
I also anticipate a return to Outfit of the Day posts as well as a new feature thanks to the ever enlightening Cook County Police stay tuned such good things to come!

No comments:

Post a Comment