Calamity Jennye

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The worst game of hide and seek ever

I never expected to feel this level of hostility.
I've really be fairly zen about this whole thing. I keep using that word but for the most part it's how I feel. I think I like the word zen to characterize my feelings because I'm not really a zen person. I'm a pretty passionate person. I love things or I don't like them at all. I love people and will do anything for them or else I don't even give them much of a second thought.
I feel like I'm fiercely devoted to the things I choose. It leaves me rarely feeling at peace about things. I'm either thrown wholeheartedly into the things I love or I'm working to avoid the things I don't want to waste my time on.
Not a lot of peace or zen there.

I can see the level of therapy a lot of those previous sentences are begging for...I know it's there.
What I really didn't expect in this life changing process was to feel so blindside by hatred of daddy time.
 I know I mentioned this before...but today it's eating at me...I was home for half an hour when monkey wouldn't even be there and the house felt overwhelmingly empty. It just isn't right and that makes me angry.
I do sort of have a thing about injustice, especially as applied to me so I shouldn't be surprised that if I see this an injustice it so angers me to have to face it two nights a week.

If one person doesn't have the energy for the family why should that person still get the opportunity to have a family. But I'm the one granting the opportunity. Deep inside I know them spending time together is the right thing to do. I know it's right for all of us. I just hate it when that little goblin inside me pokes it head out and says:
Found Me!!

Too add insult to injury I really feel like I had to give up a friend today. Ex and I have one friend for a few years who I think it's safe to say we are equally friends with. I think this doesn't happen very often in a marriage and it definitely has it's up and down sides. He doesn't make many friends and so despite my becoming close to this friend first I really thought it was great for him to have someone he could actually talk to.

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