Calamity Jennye

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

What is the value of a proportional response?

My goal is to be happy. I want my husband to find happiness. I want us both to be able to create healthy environments where we raise our daughter.
This is truly and honestly, deep down, what I want. In reality I know it's going to take a little time to get there.
What I did not expect was being forced to confront his version of happiness without me before we've even discussed divorce.
There are many things I've found surprising as we've gone through this separation process.
I think it's important to share that my husband's parents divorced in our first year of marriage. His Dad left his mom and a year later married one of her best friends. That was a very formative experience for my husband. He didn't speak to his dad for almost two years because of his anger that his dad refused to go to counseling or even attempt (in my husband's eyes) to save his marriage.
The first response my husband had to the whole situation was to say to me "We will never let that happen to us. We have to make sure we always communicate so that we never end up where they are."

Well...flash forward to 8 years later. Here we are and boy are the parallels astounding. My husband was the one who decided he didn't have the energy for counseling, didn't have the energy for our marriage. Not a shocking decision given that he had checked out of the family at least a year earlier. I still think back over the last few years often...they were rough (and I think that may even be an understatement) but there were good times. And often even in the midst of bad times my husband was always the first one to remind me that he loved me. I wish it didn't but that makes everything so hard.
I know I haven't stopped loving him. I can't even imagine how you just stop loving someone. But how can he so easily act like he has no feelings left, like our marriage, our family didn't even matter?

So, why do I think he's acting like none of it mattered? "His best friend" the one I mentioned here, is flying in today to spend a week with him.
He was shocked over the realization that I was not going to let our daughter spend the night in the same house with him and "his best friend".
I feel a bit shocked over the depth of hurt and betrayal I feel by the two of them.

I tend to react to most things very rationally and continually search for the proportional response.
This feels to me like an instance where there is no proportional response, an instance where you find yourself saying what does that even mean?
Have you ever watched that West Wing episode where Martin Sheen wants to blow the bad guys to Kingdom come? Wants a disproportional response? I feel that way every other minute...
Like this is an instance where I learn yet again my husband's ability to take advantage of my even-tempered handling of past situations. Like I need to blow up already!

(I'm just realizing how bad this is. Whenever I'm hurt my immediate reaction is to say I never want someone to feel this. How can I talk to them about this but insure they don't feel as bad I feel right now?
This feels different. I do want them to feel as bad as I feel right now.
well, just even feels horrible to type that. I want them to feel it, but just for a minute and then I want them to go on and be happy, and let me be happy, and can't we all just get along?)

Ohhhh this is going to be a long and painful process!

If she were truly my friend at all she would have told me about this visit. If this visit were innocent he would have told me about it before he was absolutely forced to.

Even if it is innocent, we are still married, my husband has chosen to spend a week with another woman, I am devastated.

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