This post comes with it's own warning...There may be some things here you don't all want to think about.
My goal with this blog is to be honest, both for myself as a record of where I've been, and for anyone else who may end up where I've been.
Okay...I'll just get the awkward part over:
I woke up this morning from a dream that I was having sex with my husband. Nothing very risque but I woke up feeling happy with a feeling that was like, finally, this is where I've wanted to be, he does care for me.
Then as soon as I snapped fully awake my first realization was that he was more than likely having sex with someone else, perhaps even right at that moment.
All of a sudden it felt like I was waking up from someone elses dream.
It was like a slap.
Nothing like waking up with that kind of reality thrown in your face.
I'm sure these moments are inevitable and once I got over the shock of the slap I was able to move on relatively quickly.
I'm not sure if it was looking over and seeing my daughter next to me, knowing that the only reality I need is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Or if it was the realization that those moments were not the important ones in our relationship.
Or maybe, most importantly it's starting to sink in that nothing...not even brief moments of feeling loved, feeling like I was the most important person in the world to him. None of that was worth the rest of the constant pain and feelings of failure.
I feel like such a sharp pain is easier to move on from. The dull constancy of knowing that another woman is sleeping in my bed is almost more than I can bear. But the intense and fleeting realization that what I'm dreaming she may actually be experiencing was somehow easier to cast aside.
I guess really I just want to acknowledge that there are these moments. Will be these moments. Some easier to handle than others, but I will have to find a way to move on from them. I will be stronger and a bit happier every time I move on from one of them.
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