Calamity Jennye

Saturday, April 9, 2011

One Voice Indeed

Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal. always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
"this is the sound of voices two
the sound of me singing with you
helping each other to make it through
this is the sound of voices two."
It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).

I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.

This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.

This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.

She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."

And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.

But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.

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