No, no, no it's not a list of things you never thought you'd hear me say.
A year ago this week my entire world was crashing down.
Like one of those lego towers you build as a kid. And then that little boy, the one who's always so mean when he doesn't get his way, comes over and just kicks the crap out of your labor of love. Legos fly everywhere! They're all over your legs, it's hard to kick them off to get over the to the table where so many flew right under, and even over there under the chair. So many legos all over...that even nearly a year later, look under that dresser, can you believe there's still a...oh shit, that's moldy cheese. Hmm, maybe the lego thing wasn't so bad?
So I picked up my legos, looked all around and realized. It would be pretty sad to put all these legos back into one tower. To use all my resources toward one purpose. So I took them, and instead I built a village. I spread them out, there was grass, and houses. I even let the blue legos touch the red and some houses were yellow and green mixed together with red windows! Such an exciting village. So great to slowly create a village, to let others come add a house, or a tree. And Esme drew the backdrop, with hearts and purple trees and six foot flowers and fuzzy bunnies all around.
And now I sit here, a year later, thinking hmm...I really had a feeling I could get here. Here is by no means the end of the road, there are still some tunnels ahead and I'm sure it will take all my strength to find the pinhole of light at the end of them.
But a year ago, all I could see was tunnel I wasn't even sure I was going the same way I was when I went into the tunnel, no idea what way the traffic was going or if I was in the right lane. For all I knew I was about to be taken out by a semi. (Thank goodness I couldn't see what was ahead, now that I think about it.) Being taken out by a motorcycle is nearly as bad it turns out.
So a year later. I've got more hair, more friends, an incredible family, an easier smile, a job I love, the most amazing kid there ever was, and more light than tunnel out there on the horizon.
Here's to a new year!! Bring it on.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
A little lake wobegon
There are times when this town makes me think of Stars Hollow.... times when it makes me think of Lake Wobegon and times when it is just a town unto itself.
Every week the newspaper publishes the 911 calls for the week. "The Cook County Law Enforcement Briefs" to be exact.
It is quite possibly my favorite part of every week (and it's most definitely the best part of the paper).
I've been meaning to start featuring my favorite call every week... This one is finally to good to resist any longer!
Saturday, Feb. 4
11:56 a.m., Lutsen: A woman hiking the Superior Hiking Trail from Lutsen Mountain said she was lost on the snowmobile trail and asked for directions back to the hiking trail. She was told to follow her tracks back to the hiking trail.
Makes me laugh every time I read it! Thank God Cook Counties finest are always ready to rush to our aid with such sage advice: follow your tracks back out...
Every week the newspaper publishes the 911 calls for the week. "The Cook County Law Enforcement Briefs" to be exact.
It is quite possibly my favorite part of every week (and it's most definitely the best part of the paper).
I've been meaning to start featuring my favorite call every week... This one is finally to good to resist any longer!
Saturday, Feb. 4
11:56 a.m., Lutsen: A woman hiking the Superior Hiking Trail from Lutsen Mountain said she was lost on the snowmobile trail and asked for directions back to the hiking trail. She was told to follow her tracks back to the hiking trail.
Makes me laugh every time I read it! Thank God Cook Counties finest are always ready to rush to our aid with such sage advice: follow your tracks back out...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Game Changer
I've mentioned before that I live in a very small town. One where everyone is aware of the business of everyone else. It doesn't matter if I've met them... somehow or another they know. And usually given my last year, they know a lot!
I recently started going to physical therapy for the vertigo I continue to experience. I had not met the therapist more than once in passing prior to my first appointment but as soon as I told her my whole name and mentioned that I was no longer with the person whose last name matched mine, that she so enjoyed seeing at his place of employment. She suddenly pieced together a great deal of my story.
It has become clear, through just three sessions that this is a woman with strong feelings about things and among the ENFP's, and ISTJ's of the world she is a "J" if you know what I mean.
Tonight as I was getting ready to leave my physical therapy appointment she looked over at me. Tilted her head a bit and said:
"You are so beautiful and have such a good heart. I can't believe that there's not someone great out there waiting for you."
I could feel the red rise on my cheeks for the second time this evening and as I fought to keep myself upright on my chair I realized I was actually sitting a bit straighter. In that moment I felt not just beautiful, I actually felt a bit radiant, just for a second.
I'm not trying to be modest or seek affirmation. I'm just being honest in saying "beautiful" is not a word I have ever associated consistently with myself. Like anyone I know I have had moments of beauty in my life, moments when I worked hard, paid attention, spent the extra time and felt beautiful.
But to think that someone who barely knows me could call me beautiful, so casually, really stirred something in me. As I tried to recall the last time someone had called me beautiful, and realized I can't. I was also flooded with all the ways throughout my life that people have made sure I know I'm not beautiful. Almost every single one of those moments really stick with me.
This same woman encouraged me to use a little daily affirmation every morning, or throughout the day, just whenever:
"May today be more magnificent than I could ever imagine."
And you know, because of her, just for a few moments, today was!
I recently started going to physical therapy for the vertigo I continue to experience. I had not met the therapist more than once in passing prior to my first appointment but as soon as I told her my whole name and mentioned that I was no longer with the person whose last name matched mine, that she so enjoyed seeing at his place of employment. She suddenly pieced together a great deal of my story.
It has become clear, through just three sessions that this is a woman with strong feelings about things and among the ENFP's, and ISTJ's of the world she is a "J" if you know what I mean.
Tonight as I was getting ready to leave my physical therapy appointment she looked over at me. Tilted her head a bit and said:
"You are so beautiful and have such a good heart. I can't believe that there's not someone great out there waiting for you."
I could feel the red rise on my cheeks for the second time this evening and as I fought to keep myself upright on my chair I realized I was actually sitting a bit straighter. In that moment I felt not just beautiful, I actually felt a bit radiant, just for a second.
I'm not trying to be modest or seek affirmation. I'm just being honest in saying "beautiful" is not a word I have ever associated consistently with myself. Like anyone I know I have had moments of beauty in my life, moments when I worked hard, paid attention, spent the extra time and felt beautiful.
But to think that someone who barely knows me could call me beautiful, so casually, really stirred something in me. As I tried to recall the last time someone had called me beautiful, and realized I can't. I was also flooded with all the ways throughout my life that people have made sure I know I'm not beautiful. Almost every single one of those moments really stick with me.
This same woman encouraged me to use a little daily affirmation every morning, or throughout the day, just whenever:
"May today be more magnificent than I could ever imagine."
And you know, because of her, just for a few moments, today was!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Welcome Back Freud
I've been back to my exhausted self suddenly and my vertigo also seems to have returned. It's the oddest type of vertigo (if you ask me) because it mostly only happens when I'm laying down. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, or early morning, or one of the 50 times I seem to wake up every night lately, and I'll feel so spinny, and nauseated and overwhelmed by the feeling that if I don't lie in this one certain position my life just may end.
It is such a frustrating feeling. And then, when I wake up in the morning I have to roll over carefully, sit up while bracing hard to the bed with my hands on either side of me and sit with my eyes closed until everything rights itself, my gasp has passed and I can stand up and carry on.
Now if ever there was a good reason for not getting out of bed in the morning I think I've found it. It is nearly impossible to fully wake up when every time you open your eyes and move your head you have to snap your eyes shut because the world is moving so violently.
Damn violent world, that's the problem!
So with the vertigo my crazy dreams seem to have returned. Two night ago I had this dream that I was at a fishing contest (yeah, just wait, that's not even the funny part of the dream). Someone loaned me their very expensive fishing rod and as I reeled in this really big fish it suddenly leapt out of the water and hit me in the face. I screamed, dropped the rod and the fish went leaping back into the water; swimming off with this persons rod. "but the fish touched me...that was so gross!!" That's all I could keep repeating as everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Yes, I told this friend I will replace your very expensive rod, "but the fish touched me, in the face!!!!"
(That was the funny part for those of you who were still hoping there might be something better, fish in the face, it don't get much better than that).
So anyway the contest continued and the next guy was pulling in his really large fish when all of a sudden I could see that it had attached itself to his face, it's mouth right over his whole head. I ran up to help him as he fell to the ground and just as I got there I could see that it was not a fish at all and was, in fact, a very angry, very vicious, dog.
I ran up trying to figure out what I could do to get the dog off this man, I tried kicking but was really afraid to get too close, the most I could do I figured was draw the dog off of him and onto me and I couldn't see how that would actually be an improvement to the overall situation. I kept yelling and screaming for someone to help us, to call 911, to do something, just help. Inside I was berating myself for not letting the dog just go at me instead, anything to give this poor suffering man some relief. But then I kept thinking I'm a single mom, I don't have time to recover from a dog attack. I was trying every minimal thing I could think of to draw the dog away but he was so far gone into his world of attack I felt as if I was baiting a lion, too much and I knew I would completely lose at any second.
Finally some police or someone arrived, got the dog off the man and I collapsed, feeling so horrible that I had only been able to stand aside and watch. I felt useless and small and like I hadn't done nearly enough.
Too many dreams like this and I guess it's pretty obvious why I'm exhausted every morning!
It is such a frustrating feeling. And then, when I wake up in the morning I have to roll over carefully, sit up while bracing hard to the bed with my hands on either side of me and sit with my eyes closed until everything rights itself, my gasp has passed and I can stand up and carry on.
Now if ever there was a good reason for not getting out of bed in the morning I think I've found it. It is nearly impossible to fully wake up when every time you open your eyes and move your head you have to snap your eyes shut because the world is moving so violently.
Damn violent world, that's the problem!
So with the vertigo my crazy dreams seem to have returned. Two night ago I had this dream that I was at a fishing contest (yeah, just wait, that's not even the funny part of the dream). Someone loaned me their very expensive fishing rod and as I reeled in this really big fish it suddenly leapt out of the water and hit me in the face. I screamed, dropped the rod and the fish went leaping back into the water; swimming off with this persons rod. "but the fish touched me...that was so gross!!" That's all I could keep repeating as everyone looked at me like I was crazy. Yes, I told this friend I will replace your very expensive rod, "but the fish touched me, in the face!!!!"
(That was the funny part for those of you who were still hoping there might be something better, fish in the face, it don't get much better than that).
So anyway the contest continued and the next guy was pulling in his really large fish when all of a sudden I could see that it had attached itself to his face, it's mouth right over his whole head. I ran up to help him as he fell to the ground and just as I got there I could see that it was not a fish at all and was, in fact, a very angry, very vicious, dog.
I ran up trying to figure out what I could do to get the dog off this man, I tried kicking but was really afraid to get too close, the most I could do I figured was draw the dog off of him and onto me and I couldn't see how that would actually be an improvement to the overall situation. I kept yelling and screaming for someone to help us, to call 911, to do something, just help. Inside I was berating myself for not letting the dog just go at me instead, anything to give this poor suffering man some relief. But then I kept thinking I'm a single mom, I don't have time to recover from a dog attack. I was trying every minimal thing I could think of to draw the dog away but he was so far gone into his world of attack I felt as if I was baiting a lion, too much and I knew I would completely lose at any second.
Finally some police or someone arrived, got the dog off the man and I collapsed, feeling so horrible that I had only been able to stand aside and watch. I felt useless and small and like I hadn't done nearly enough.
Too many dreams like this and I guess it's pretty obvious why I'm exhausted every morning!
Outfit(s) of the Day
I had to make up for some lost time....sorry about that
PS we're suddenly very into the layered look at our house!
PS we're suddenly very into the layered look at our house!
 |
| The flowery layered look |
 |
| The glamour layered look |
 |
| the 80's layered look |
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Happy New Year... Happy New Normal
Well, I like to give us all reasons to keep celebrating any holiday so here I am finally getting around to recognizing the new year, only ten days late!
Being away for Christmas was just what the doctor ordered for Esme and me!. We had a marvelous time in Arizona. We did tons of sleeping in, hanging out, shopping, swimming, watching television, did I mention Disneyland? Boy were we spoiled!
Christmas Day was expectedly a bit hard but, surprisingly not at all for the reasons I would have expected. It's always those unexpected things that really jump out and get you. All in all it was definitely the best vacation we could have imagined.
And most wonderfully it wasn't even that hard to come home. Sipping a margarita outside in the 75 degree weather with the sun shining on me was admittedly not the very smartest move on the way to the airport, but even that wasn't enough to make me long to stay. Just enough to get me wishing I could...a little bit :)
Of course coming home was just the wake up call I could have expected. Plane re-routed to Fargo, Nearly hitting a deer in the middle of the highway just after midnight on New Years Eve, then at the end of last week the crazy started up all over again, with the return of my husband's GF after only four days with her family and another friend coming to me to confess she also slept with my husband.
You know...all I can say is that the ludicrous doesn't seem nearly so crazy anymore. It's like when you come to realize a "new normal". This is it. I can no longer assume that it's all over. I can no longer convince myself that "surely this is as weird as it can get. There's no way there can be more".
Maybe if I just assume there will always be more, I will no longer be so stunned.
Like any story there is obviously a lot more behind the scenes of these events. A lot more that I'm not sure I have the capacity to discuss. There is good and there is not so good coming out of all these events.
In this New Year I remain immensely blessed to have such amazing friends and family, such a strong support system. I feel intensely grateful for the little bit of truth and honesty that just wandered into my life. I am daily thrilled by the presence of my amazing Esme. And I'm adjusting...to the new normal.
Being away for Christmas was just what the doctor ordered for Esme and me!. We had a marvelous time in Arizona. We did tons of sleeping in, hanging out, shopping, swimming, watching television, did I mention Disneyland? Boy were we spoiled!
Christmas Day was expectedly a bit hard but, surprisingly not at all for the reasons I would have expected. It's always those unexpected things that really jump out and get you. All in all it was definitely the best vacation we could have imagined.
And most wonderfully it wasn't even that hard to come home. Sipping a margarita outside in the 75 degree weather with the sun shining on me was admittedly not the very smartest move on the way to the airport, but even that wasn't enough to make me long to stay. Just enough to get me wishing I could...a little bit :)
Of course coming home was just the wake up call I could have expected. Plane re-routed to Fargo, Nearly hitting a deer in the middle of the highway just after midnight on New Years Eve, then at the end of last week the crazy started up all over again, with the return of my husband's GF after only four days with her family and another friend coming to me to confess she also slept with my husband.
You know...all I can say is that the ludicrous doesn't seem nearly so crazy anymore. It's like when you come to realize a "new normal". This is it. I can no longer assume that it's all over. I can no longer convince myself that "surely this is as weird as it can get. There's no way there can be more".
Maybe if I just assume there will always be more, I will no longer be so stunned.
Like any story there is obviously a lot more behind the scenes of these events. A lot more that I'm not sure I have the capacity to discuss. There is good and there is not so good coming out of all these events.
In this New Year I remain immensely blessed to have such amazing friends and family, such a strong support system. I feel intensely grateful for the little bit of truth and honesty that just wandered into my life. I am daily thrilled by the presence of my amazing Esme. And I'm adjusting...to the new normal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)