Calamity Jennye

Friday, August 5, 2011

Truth and Consequences

There are a couple subjects, ones that have been slowly eating away at me, that I've been avoiding bringing up but I think I can't avoid it any longer.

My husband's girlfriend is back in town. She got here sometime this week and he told me she was coming a couple weeks before she arrived. At least he told me. I was glad, even though it meant I had a couple weeks to worry and fester a bit.

The main thing it left me worrying about was Esme. She spends two nights a week with my husband but I don't feel at all comfortable with her being there when he is sleeping with another woman. I'm well aware that this is a slippery slope. I know there will be a day when at least one of us is with another person fairly permanently. I get it, it will be fine. But we haven't gotten to that day yet. We're not there.

The last time the girlfriend was in town I let my husband know that it wasn't okay for Esme to spend the night with them. I put a lot of thought into it and decided that needed to happen this time too. So I let my husband know. And then I had to let Esme know as well.

I went into this without a plan, very unlike me, but it just sort of came out, one night at bedtime:

"This week we're going to have mommy nights instead of daddy nights, okay honey?"

"Okay, why can't I have daddy nights?"
(Somehow, I honestly didn't see this question coming. I think I expected, anger, some sort of tantrum that maybe I would have to diffuse, but I didn't at all expect calm, questioning acceptance.)

"well, uh, we're just going to do mommy nights. You'll still have daddy days, but then just come home for mommy nights."

"Okay, but why?"

"Well, Daddy has someone else sleeping over so you're going to come stay with me."
(And again I really thought it would end here. I think they call this denial.)

Actually the first night it did end here. She moved onto something else and went to sleep.
But the next night she remembered...

"Why can't I have a sleepover at daddy's?"

"Well...(and before I knew it I had to decide...lie? Or try to work my way through this?)
"Honey, you can't sleep at daddy's because of the other person sleeping there."

"Why can't I stay with the other person?"

"When you get married there is a rule that says you can only sleep with the person you're married to. Mommies can only sleep with Daddies.
Daddy broke that rule."

"Daddy broke the rule so now I can't stay at his house?"

"Yeah, what happens when you break a rule?"

(Esme in a really excited, I know the answer voice) "You get a consequence!"
"Daddy broke a rule and now he get's a consequence...."

"I want you to understand this is not about the consequence. The real thing is that this rule is so important that I can't let you stay at Daddy's house while he's breaking it. If I let you stay then I'm saying the rule doesn't matter. And this is a very important rule."

"I wish Daddy hadn't broken the rule"

Me too honey, me too.

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