Calamity Jennye

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

knock, knock

Lately I'm in a place of feeling sad and overwhelmed.
I'm really tired of these two feelings.
I keep thinking I'm almost done with the things that feel overwhelming and then one more crops up.
I'm ready for normal, steady, get in the groove life.
I don't want to have to worry about court dates, buying cars, filing for divorce, thinking about child support, waiting for someone's approval to do something so that then I can move onto the next thing.
I can't remember a time when life has ever felt this tedious.

I have days where I feel like I'm handling it so well. This week I've been making two big, frustrating, 'don't want to deal with these things calls' every day during lunch. Chipping away at things. I feel great about this. Like I'm making progress. Noving in the right direction.
Then I sit at home and watch something on tv where someone dies, or loses someone, and I fall apart and sit and cry on the couch. And I think, hmm...maybe I'm not handling this all as well as I think.

In the middle of my crying tonight Esme called for me from her room. I went in to see what she needed and she said:
 "Mom, why do you have your crying voice?"
"What voice" I said?
"Your crying voice."
"When did I have that voice?"
"When you said my name, from the living room, it was your crying voice."

So...maybe I'm really not handling this as well as I think...I have a crying voice? I reassured her I was fine, there was no crying voice. Time for bed etc...
But much longer will I have to live with the surprise visits from the crying voice, and the overwhelming sadness? Anyone know how much longer that's gonna last?

1 comment:

  1. They will get fewer and there will be more time in-between. You are doing better than you think.
    One thing I used to do was to write down what I was worried about or sad about. You can put it on a little piece of paper and put it in a jar or envelope. Then put it away. Schedule time (seriously) when you can focus, maybe 15 minutes (no more)... Then, everytime it pops into your head remember "oh yea, that is in the jar" and then move on to something else. Ok, now when you get to your scheduled time, take out your jar/envelope/list and FOCUS on just that item for the allotted time.
    Remember, when something pops to mind write it down and move on.