Calamity Jennye

Monday, August 8, 2011

It's just a phase, but they say that about teenagers too

I haven't had many of these phases in my life but I'm in a phase where little things really easily drive me crazy. Lately there are tons of these little things that feel like they are slowly pecking away at the very fiber of my being.
Negativity, bad attitudes, limited perspectives, people inserting themselves into conversations where they don't belong (I've been guilty of this one lately which means I'm practically gnawing on my own arm or something), my daughter calling me stupid or saying she hates me, then becoming inconsolable when we have to discuss how that's not okay.

Every - little - thing is making me crazy. The real problem is that I know what's actually making me crazy. These things don't normally get to me so easily, I'm quite adept at dodging all these little beaks. The problem these days is that I'm not me.

My husband and his girlfriend both got to make these life changing decisions. Decisions that changed not just their lives but also dramatically changed mine in every way. Decisions that took away my two best friends, that took away my daughter 30% of the time, that fundamentally changed nearly every aspect of my life. And in no way did I get to be a part of those decisions. I didn't even know the decisions were being made. Not only did they make these decisions back when I knew nothing about them. But they are here, unapologetically rubbing their decisions in my face (or flaunting them behind my back) on a daily basis.

I've spent months working through so many things but the one thing left festering deep down, is all that disenfranchisement. I got no say. And now, I feel so debilitated by their decisions that I don't even know who I am.

This is the thing that I can't seem to get around. I feel like I've tried crawling over, sneaking under, faking left and running right. I can't escape it.

I'm really ready to have a new me, one that has so many of the traits I used to have (joy, patience, memory, stability, confidence), combined with all these new things (gardening, independence, peace, loyalty) I've cultivated in my journey around this angst. I'm ready, I just don't know what it takes to get there.

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