Calamity Jennye

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Has anyone seen my awesome...I think I left it around here somewhere

"It's better to feel successful on your own than to spend every day feeling like a failure with someone else."

"You are a strong woman who can make it through this."

I think I've mentioned it in passing before but I guess I finally have to come clean and admit I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy (is there a twelve step group out there I should know about?). At least every other episode I cry and almost every single episode I walk away thinking, "I'm not the only one to feel this way." Not because the characters feel the way I do but because someone writes this stuff....and in order to write it you have to at least have some idea what it feels like. So I know I'm not alone.

And there are moments in the show with quotes like the ones above where I feel sure I've done the right things in my life. I feel sure that I'm teaching my daughter the right lessons. Struggling through the things I do for all the right reasons. And most importantly there are moments where I feel sure I will make it through.

Now, sadly, I have to admit there are moments where I think I should have moved to Seattle when I had the chance, moments where I think marrying a heart surgeon seems genius...did anyone see Preston Burke practicing his vows? There are even moments where I think I really need to have more than one close friend and way more than one bar where I live. This is  all the work of the Grey's Anatomy devil on that shoulder over there...

But here I am. Struggling through, thankful for what I do have. Teaching my daughter that being a strong woman is hugely important, and feeling pretty confident that when it comes down to living every day as a failure with someone else (the memories of which are visceral and painful) or living every day on my own as a success. I made the right decision!

I'm just not cut out for cowering and fear. I feel embarrassed that my life has turned out the way it has on so many fronts. Facing that is hard, reconciling myself to this big thing I never believed was okay, and never wanted, is a struggle that haunts me daily. And when those ghosts come I'm never sure I made the right decision.

But to hear someone else say it. To hear someone else's words and immediately have a flashback to those times when I felt sure I was such a complete failure. And to remember the reasons I felt like a failure, completely ridiculous reasons that were nearly always outside my control. Then I feel a bit more confident.
A bit more sure that I am setting the example of a strong woman for my daughter.

I saw a link to this blog on my weekly blogher update and then a number of people forwarded it to me in various ways. It makes me think about what we want for our children. Which ultimately comes back to what we want for ourselves. I read things like this and think again that I'm doing the right things; think that I would do anything to help my daughter grow up and maintain that kind of confidence and freedom.

So I'll keep on keeping on. I'll keep on hoping that I'm making the right decisions, and I'll keep on trusting that it's all gonna come out right.
I'll keep believing that just because you have to give up on some things, you don't have to give up on everything. I can give up on for better or worse but still keep my awesome!

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