Nobody Likes a Fixer

(thought I'd posted this on 7/11, but just realized I screwed up...)

What a week, what a month, what a decade.
I'm not even sure where to begin.
We were living in a lovely spot, with raised beds, and a dog, and a family.
It seemed like all of life was ahead of us.
As if anything could be possible...
If only I could see it through this haze, if I could just get up off the couch: take the dog for a nice long walk, plant something in those lovely beds, play a family game with my daughter.
It took tragedy (again) to realize how bad it all was.

But here we are, the two of us stronger, wiser, without our poor Francis who has raced off to his happy running place in the sky. Heaven no longer has any safety for the squirrels!
BUT we are stronger and wiser.
Stronger because I'm learning to accept help, advice, and comfort.
Wiser because my learning curve is drastically improving. I'm able to see the patterns (at least some of them) that keep me from being...well being the magnificent being of love that I know I can be!

Putting Francis down was hard, I had to face what felt like the consummation of all the failure in my life. In order to move forward:
To give him those drowsy making pills: I had to realize it was never actually my job to fix these things.
As I placed the muzzle: I admitted I chose things that no one could fix, people that didn't believe they needed "fixing".
As I helped the vet give him the shot of anisthetic that would render the muzzle useless: I found the courage to help myself, by realizing I need to start with myself, at the very least figuring out what I think needs fixing about me,
that drives me to "fix" everyone else
And as I stood there watching him breathe his last: I had to face the fact that nobody likes a fixer.

So I think I'll come back for a while. Let you all help me sift through it all, while I sort out the next step.
Care to join me?

Rest in Peace Francy Pantsy, We love you!