I imagine it's what being the world's biggest rubber band ball would feel like

The other unavaiodable topic:
There's been so much going on in my life lately that I haven't spent a lot of time talking, or even thinking for that matter, about my childhood. I was a super lucky, super loved, kid my entire childhood. But that being said I did have a sort of odd childhood.
I'm 18 years younger than my youngest sibling, I have four of them and they are all within 5 years of each other. We were all raised by the same parents but the oldest two have a different dad. So if you do the math it's probably not astonishing to hear that my oldest brother, 21 at the time and my oldest sister, 20, were married and out of the house before I was born. My siblings were all raised in Southern California but then my parents moved to Oregon a year or so before I was born.
Being married and never having lived in the state where my family now resided contributed to the fact that I never met my oldest sister until my mom's funeral. There's the last part of the story. My mom died of cancer when I was 8. Her funeral is the only time I remember our whole family being together. And to be totally honest I have very little memory of much of that stretch of time. There are spots that stand out clearer then any other memory in my life. Meeting my siblings is just not one of those spots.
I used to see my brother and his family pretty regularly since we took a lot of trips down to California, where he still lived, but he has been estranged from the family for 15ish years so it's been a long time since I've seen him. I met my sister for a second time when my dad and I drove out to the east coast on my way to college. But that was the last time I saw her, 15 years ago.

So why the sudden, and brief, family history? My youngest brother, the one closest to me in age started planning a family reunion a few months ago, and he actually got all of us to agree to come. I keep saying we need to call it something other than a reunion since that implies an initial union of some sort leading to the re portion but nonetheless....here we are.
Esme and I fly out Friday and one week from now I will have spent two full day with all of my siblings.
I feel fearful, nervous, scared, excited. I'm not at all sure how one should feel. To be headed into 3-4 days with people I don't know at all but who are the people to which I'm supposed to feel the closest in the world, it makes me, well, really worried.
I feel a bit like I would assume an adopted child feels meeting their biological parent for the first time. There is this assumption that you will feel an automatic bond with this person. This is blood, stronger than anything right? But what if we all hate each other? What if we feel nothing? What if we spend 3 super awkward days trying to figure each other out?
I know nothing about the childhood these four people shared together. What if there are sides? Old rivalries? What if I get in the middle of something I know nothing about? Worse yet, what if they all decide it's easier than old rivalries to just hate me?
Okay that last one isn't real. It's just my mind running away with itself.
I'm really close to my brother and sister nearest to me in age. My sister was like my mother for most of my life, we talk at least once a week, if not daily. And my brother and I have been quite close for my whole life. So some of those ridiculous deep seated insecurity fears are absolutely ludicrous.
But the truth is I really don't know how I feel about this.
Our family is not a family that talks about things, we're very Scandinavian in that way. There are things I would love to ask my siblings about my mom, about their childhood, but it just never feels like the right time. And we are definitely not a family that would offer up that kind of information.
But at the same time some of the memories I do have of my siblings is that no one in my family is one to back down from a fight.
So it turns out I'm the one in the family who will turn tail and sprint from a fight, or even a hint of a squabble really, and this makes me nervous too. So really I'm just a ball of nerves...a big ball of nerves for the next week, trying to figure out how to act calm, excited and not so, well, nervy. So that I'm not the first one to weird out.

Someone's bound to weird out right? Please say a prayer it's not me.

Truth and Consequences

There are a couple subjects, ones that have been slowly eating away at me, that I've been avoiding bringing up but I think I can't avoid it any longer.

My husband's girlfriend is back in town. She got here sometime this week and he told me she was coming a couple weeks before she arrived. At least he told me. I was glad, even though it meant I had a couple weeks to worry and fester a bit.

The main thing it left me worrying about was Esme. She spends two nights a week with my husband but I don't feel at all comfortable with her being there when he is sleeping with another woman. I'm well aware that this is a slippery slope. I know there will be a day when at least one of us is with another person fairly permanently. I get it, it will be fine. But we haven't gotten to that day yet. We're not there.

The last time the girlfriend was in town I let my husband know that it wasn't okay for Esme to spend the night with them. I put a lot of thought into it and decided that needed to happen this time too. So I let my husband know. And then I had to let Esme know as well.

I went into this without a plan, very unlike me, but it just sort of came out, one night at bedtime:

"This week we're going to have mommy nights instead of daddy nights, okay honey?"

"Okay, why can't I have daddy nights?"
(Somehow, I honestly didn't see this question coming. I think I expected, anger, some sort of tantrum that maybe I would have to diffuse, but I didn't at all expect calm, questioning acceptance.)

"well, uh, we're just going to do mommy nights. You'll still have daddy days, but then just come home for mommy nights."

"Okay, but why?"

"Well, Daddy has someone else sleeping over so you're going to come stay with me."
(And again I really thought it would end here. I think they call this denial.)

Actually the first night it did end here. She moved onto something else and went to sleep.
But the next night she remembered...

"Why can't I have a sleepover at daddy's?"

"Well...(and before I knew it I had to decide...lie? Or try to work my way through this?)
"Honey, you can't sleep at daddy's because of the other person sleeping there."

"Why can't I stay with the other person?"

"When you get married there is a rule that says you can only sleep with the person you're married to. Mommies can only sleep with Daddies.
Daddy broke that rule."

"Daddy broke the rule so now I can't stay at his house?"

"Yeah, what happens when you break a rule?"

(Esme in a really excited, I know the answer voice) "You get a consequence!"
"Daddy broke a rule and now he get's a consequence...."

"I want you to understand this is not about the consequence. The real thing is that this rule is so important that I can't let you stay at Daddy's house while he's breaking it. If I let you stay then I'm saying the rule doesn't matter. And this is a very important rule."

"I wish Daddy hadn't broken the rule"

Me too honey, me too.

Has anyone seen my awesome...I think I left it around here somewhere

"It's better to feel successful on your own than to spend every day feeling like a failure with someone else."

"You are a strong woman who can make it through this."

I think I've mentioned it in passing before but I guess I finally have to come clean and admit I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy (is there a twelve step group out there I should know about?). At least every other episode I cry and almost every single episode I walk away thinking, "I'm not the only one to feel this way." Not because the characters feel the way I do but because someone writes this stuff....and in order to write it you have to at least have some idea what it feels like. So I know I'm not alone.

And there are moments in the show with quotes like the ones above where I feel sure I've done the right things in my life. I feel sure that I'm teaching my daughter the right lessons. Struggling through the things I do for all the right reasons. And most importantly there are moments where I feel sure I will make it through.

Now, sadly, I have to admit there are moments where I think I should have moved to Seattle when I had the chance, moments where I think marrying a heart surgeon seems genius...did anyone see Preston Burke practicing his vows? There are even moments where I think I really need to have more than one close friend and way more than one bar where I live. This is  all the work of the Grey's Anatomy devil on that shoulder over there...

But here I am. Struggling through, thankful for what I do have. Teaching my daughter that being a strong woman is hugely important, and feeling pretty confident that when it comes down to living every day as a failure with someone else (the memories of which are visceral and painful) or living every day on my own as a success. I made the right decision!

I'm just not cut out for cowering and fear. I feel embarrassed that my life has turned out the way it has on so many fronts. Facing that is hard, reconciling myself to this big thing I never believed was okay, and never wanted, is a struggle that haunts me daily. And when those ghosts come I'm never sure I made the right decision.

But to hear someone else say it. To hear someone else's words and immediately have a flashback to those times when I felt sure I was such a complete failure. And to remember the reasons I felt like a failure, completely ridiculous reasons that were nearly always outside my control. Then I feel a bit more confident.
A bit more sure that I am setting the example of a strong woman for my daughter.

I saw a link to this blog on my weekly blogher update and then a number of people forwarded it to me in various ways. It makes me think about what we want for our children. Which ultimately comes back to what we want for ourselves. I read things like this and think again that I'm doing the right things; think that I would do anything to help my daughter grow up and maintain that kind of confidence and freedom.

So I'll keep on keeping on. I'll keep on hoping that I'm making the right decisions, and I'll keep on trusting that it's all gonna come out right.
I'll keep believing that just because you have to give up on some things, you don't have to give up on everything. I can give up on for better or worse but still keep my awesome!

Outfit of the Day

Has anyone seen my daughter?
Because this kid who chose to wear pants, a  t-shirt and sneakers
is clearly not the same one I've been living with for the last 3 1/2 years  :)

Can't Go Back Now

I've been really loving this song that just came on my Pandora.

Every time it comes on I say what song is this?....oh yeah! still love it :)

knock, knock

Lately I'm in a place of feeling sad and overwhelmed.
I'm really tired of these two feelings.
I keep thinking I'm almost done with the things that feel overwhelming and then one more crops up.
I'm ready for normal, steady, get in the groove life.
I don't want to have to worry about court dates, buying cars, filing for divorce, thinking about child support, waiting for someone's approval to do something so that then I can move onto the next thing.
I can't remember a time when life has ever felt this tedious.

I have days where I feel like I'm handling it so well. This week I've been making two big, frustrating, 'don't want to deal with these things calls' every day during lunch. Chipping away at things. I feel great about this. Like I'm making progress. Noving in the right direction.
Then I sit at home and watch something on tv where someone dies, or loses someone, and I fall apart and sit and cry on the couch. And I think, hmm...maybe I'm not handling this all as well as I think.

In the middle of my crying tonight Esme called for me from her room. I went in to see what she needed and she said:
 "Mom, why do you have your crying voice?"
"What voice" I said?
"Your crying voice."
"When did I have that voice?"
"When you said my name, from the living room, it was your crying voice."

So...maybe I'm really not handling this as well as I think...I have a crying voice? I reassured her I was fine, there was no crying voice. Time for bed etc...
But hmm....how much longer will I have to live with the surprise visits from the crying voice, and the overwhelming sadness? Anyone know how much longer that's gonna last?

Outfit of the Day

I thought I'd pull out another blast from the past.
Esme and I spent a lot of time in this wrap during her babyhood.
It was definitely one of my favorite accessories for every outfit!