Tonight was the first horrible interaction my husband and I have had.
It was his night to pick up Esme, she will spend two and a half days with him, and ever since he suggested this new schedule I have not felt good about an evening pickup. In the evening there's a routine, everything is winding down. It is not when we start new things the morning is when she is prepared for where she will spend the day. In fact we begin every morning with a conversation that involves "what kind of day is it today mama?" To throw that off and switch gears midstream with a night time transition is disturbing. For all of us.
Tonight Esme decided, via breakdown in the car, that she was not going to have a daddy night. I informed her that for that to be so she would have to call her daddy and discuss it with him. At that point she said "just forget about him mama."
I turned down the radio and countered with, "well, I don't think you want to forget about him, that would be very sad. I think you need to decide. If you want to forget about calling him then you should just be happy when he picks you up for your time with him. If you want to forget about your daddy night then you will have to call him. But you cannot 'just forget about him".
She decided to call him. Took the phone into a separate room from me and apparently told him she didn't want him to pick her up. Whatever the exact conversation, it ended up with her bringing me the phone as she collapsed in tears, and him telling me he was coming to pick her up.
That interaction was followed by a text that said "On my way. I expect you both outside. Or i'll come yell at you inside."
I attempted to steel myself and headed outside to meet him. Our conversation was not pretty.
He started it off by telling me how patient he has been and how that is over. "this thing we are doing is 50/50."
My response was that his "walking out on our family and not even having the decency to tell me he was thinking about walking out until months after he had actually gone, was not at all 50/50. That was 100%.
It was his decision to leave the family and my decision to make sure he gets as much time as he does with Esme."
His response was "I have been patient with you because you're hurt or whatever (that was my favorite line in the whole conversation p.s.) but I am done being patient."
I inquired as to what point in our entire relationship he had ever been patient, much less in the time we've been separated. His answer: "The fact that you even think I'm going to bring Esme back on Saturday shows exactly how patient I've been."
I am proud to say this is the first conversation where I have actually to his face called him an asshole, as in:
"why do you even have to be such an asshole about this." Then I said, that when he shuts down his daughter when she tries to voice her concerns, and threatens over text message to yell at her it does not bode well for his relationship with her in the future.
There was then a bit of door slamming as I went inside to retrieve the child. My friend (God bless her and her eternal patience with this situation) had to walk Esme out to the car so that I didn't make her feel worse about having to go. Seriously the last thing I wanted to do but I was understandably having trouble composing myself.
Then I was left to cry and ask myself how my life got so fucked up and why I ever thought it was a good idea to marry him in the first place. Yes!! I am well aware you have all heard this enough but trust me you have heard a minor fraction of the times I've berated myself for it, so thanks for hanging in. Seriously Thanks!
The part that saddens me the most is that I was feeling pretty good about her leaving tonight. I was not feeling nearly as distraught as last week. I thought it was going to be okay.
The only reason I even let her call him is because she felt so strongly and I'm tired of being the only one to talk her into spending time with her dad. I wanted him to hear how she feels and patiently convince her of how much fun they would have and how much he loves her and wants her with him.
His reaction just convinces me even more that he is using her as a pawn and that's not what I want to see or think.
Please feel free to share your insight. You can judge, advise, berate. My friend already told me I should never have let Esme call...you can't tell me anything I don't fear and contemplate myself. What would you do in my shoes? How am I doing? What am I missing? What will I see a year, two, five from now that I will wish I knew now?
AAUURRGGGGHHHHH!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Worse than garlic breath
Esme calls her dad every night to say goodnight.
It has always felt like the right thing to do, to have her call him. If I were not with her I would want to hear her and say goodnight (that and when I don't have her call I get a text saying "is she calling?").
Anyway they always try to discuss their days, sometimes this goes better than other times, Esme struggles a bit to maintain focus on the phone. Tonight after asking about her day he said "I got some exciting news today, do you know what it is?"
My heart stopped just a little bit as I thought...oh no! (gasp) "his best friend" is coming back. But no, thank God! I'm not sure if the actual news was better or worse, or just an example of his typical thoughtlessness as he knows I'm there during these phone calls.
"Do you remember the garlic we planted last fall?" he says, (and I think "you mean the garlic we all planted together as a family last fall...as the beginning of our first family garden?" Why yes, I believe that feeling of my heart being ripped from my body indicates I do remember that.) Esme's much more subtle response was "yes!"
"The garlic is starting to grow!" he says...All I could think was that it's amazing anything good could come from that time. I honestly remember feeling so hopeful and happy that cold day that we all went down to the yard and planted the garlic. It was really fun to work together and for just those 20 minutes I thought "maybe moving here was the right thing to do."
But then there's the now so familiar feeling of my heart leaving the rest of me behind, floating somewhere all unprotected and confused. Kind of makes me wish I was more like that garlic. That the fruits of something I planted all those months ago had just been slowly, surely, safely growing. That it wasn't out here waving around and vulnerable. But alack and alas, I will never be garlicky. So instead I will have to wave around, bravely and proudly. Believing the seeds of something are growing. Maybe I can't even see them...but some day I will reap the fruits of all this labor!
It has always felt like the right thing to do, to have her call him. If I were not with her I would want to hear her and say goodnight (that and when I don't have her call I get a text saying "is she calling?").
Anyway they always try to discuss their days, sometimes this goes better than other times, Esme struggles a bit to maintain focus on the phone. Tonight after asking about her day he said "I got some exciting news today, do you know what it is?"
My heart stopped just a little bit as I thought...oh no! (gasp) "his best friend" is coming back. But no, thank God! I'm not sure if the actual news was better or worse, or just an example of his typical thoughtlessness as he knows I'm there during these phone calls.
"Do you remember the garlic we planted last fall?" he says, (and I think "you mean the garlic we all planted together as a family last fall...as the beginning of our first family garden?" Why yes, I believe that feeling of my heart being ripped from my body indicates I do remember that.) Esme's much more subtle response was "yes!"
"The garlic is starting to grow!" he says...All I could think was that it's amazing anything good could come from that time. I honestly remember feeling so hopeful and happy that cold day that we all went down to the yard and planted the garlic. It was really fun to work together and for just those 20 minutes I thought "maybe moving here was the right thing to do."
But then there's the now so familiar feeling of my heart leaving the rest of me behind, floating somewhere all unprotected and confused. Kind of makes me wish I was more like that garlic. That the fruits of something I planted all those months ago had just been slowly, surely, safely growing. That it wasn't out here waving around and vulnerable. But alack and alas, I will never be garlicky. So instead I will have to wave around, bravely and proudly. Believing the seeds of something are growing. Maybe I can't even see them...but some day I will reap the fruits of all this labor!
Outfit of the Day
The post we've all been waiting for:
(please forgive my continued technical difficulties...the video turns the right direction about 10 seconds in...sorry!)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Outfit of the Day
Today was Esme's most successful game of hide and seek ever.
She hid (without telling anyone) and Nana (one half of the lovely couple who have opened their home to us) and I spent a few confused minutes trying to figure out where she could have gone.
This picture is the moment we found her...in the coat closet.
And no...that winter coat is not a costume. Here in this insane place we have moved, on May 2nd we are still wearing winter coats. Why? Because it's still snowing of course :)
She hid (without telling anyone) and Nana (one half of the lovely couple who have opened their home to us) and I spent a few confused minutes trying to figure out where she could have gone.
This picture is the moment we found her...in the coat closet.
And no...that winter coat is not a costume. Here in this insane place we have moved, on May 2nd we are still wearing winter coats. Why? Because it's still snowing of course :)
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| Ready or not here we come! |
I refuse to do what the voices tell me to
I'm sitting here listening to the daughter I could not get to finish her dinner even if I offered to pay her, and I did sort of pay her because after dinner she got an orange dreamsicle.
She is laying in bed an hour after her bedtime screaming, repeatedly "I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry, I am so hungry."
I feel like there's a lot to think about here...she only wants to eat because she doesn't want to go to bed. She has seriously convinced herself that she is starving, even though that's physically impossible given the number of snacks she had tonight, followed by dinner, followed by dessert. But I feel like I've so been there, in that place where you convince yourself there is only one thing you need, nothing else will do. If I don't put some food in my full belly right now I will starve to death.
It's amazing how the mind works. I feel sad that these mind tricks are usually ones that trick me before I even get the chance to use them to my benefit. "I can't see him, can't bear to see him, can't handle the thought of even looking at him."
When really I would be so much better off if I could use that single mindedness in my favor. Like Esme I become convinced beyond reason of one thing, completely tuning out the sane voices saying things like: "next time we won't get to go have dinner with our friends if you can't eat enough there to make sure you're full." "next time instead of dessert I'll just have to make sure you finish your healthy food so that your stomach is filled up." "The more times you see him the easier it will be, looking at him will remind you that he is not the same person you loved."
Instead I focus on those crazy voices. The ones that just keep my brain running in silly circles it's definitely a method of avoidance. If I can focus on this one bad part of my situation I won't even have to think about the rest.
As soon as I went and laid down with Esme her screams stopped and there was not even a mention of hunger. The only thing she did mention was how she's "lonely when I am not there."
I guess really that's what it comes down to. There are ways in our lives in which we are all lonely, fearful, unsure. If we can just keep those other voices going loud enough maybe we will forget that we are often alone. Maybe if we find something bigger to focus on that one big fear will dim.
I find it amazing that it starts so young, this fear of being alone, or maybe it's more amazing that it carries on for so much of our lives. In any case, it seems to be a theme. What is your biggest fear? (Are you like me and it's loneliness?) How do you battle your fears? Do you have a successful method or are we trying to drown out the voices together?
She is laying in bed an hour after her bedtime screaming, repeatedly "I'm so hungry, I'm so hungry, I am so hungry."
I feel like there's a lot to think about here...she only wants to eat because she doesn't want to go to bed. She has seriously convinced herself that she is starving, even though that's physically impossible given the number of snacks she had tonight, followed by dinner, followed by dessert. But I feel like I've so been there, in that place where you convince yourself there is only one thing you need, nothing else will do. If I don't put some food in my full belly right now I will starve to death.
It's amazing how the mind works. I feel sad that these mind tricks are usually ones that trick me before I even get the chance to use them to my benefit. "I can't see him, can't bear to see him, can't handle the thought of even looking at him."
When really I would be so much better off if I could use that single mindedness in my favor. Like Esme I become convinced beyond reason of one thing, completely tuning out the sane voices saying things like: "next time we won't get to go have dinner with our friends if you can't eat enough there to make sure you're full." "next time instead of dessert I'll just have to make sure you finish your healthy food so that your stomach is filled up." "The more times you see him the easier it will be, looking at him will remind you that he is not the same person you loved."
Instead I focus on those crazy voices. The ones that just keep my brain running in silly circles it's definitely a method of avoidance. If I can focus on this one bad part of my situation I won't even have to think about the rest.
As soon as I went and laid down with Esme her screams stopped and there was not even a mention of hunger. The only thing she did mention was how she's "lonely when I am not there."
I guess really that's what it comes down to. There are ways in our lives in which we are all lonely, fearful, unsure. If we can just keep those other voices going loud enough maybe we will forget that we are often alone. Maybe if we find something bigger to focus on that one big fear will dim.
I find it amazing that it starts so young, this fear of being alone, or maybe it's more amazing that it carries on for so much of our lives. In any case, it seems to be a theme. What is your biggest fear? (Are you like me and it's loneliness?) How do you battle your fears? Do you have a successful method or are we trying to drown out the voices together?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Outfit of the Day
And now...what you've all been waiting for anyway:
My sincerest apologies for the lack of outfit of the day photos. Our model has been a bit tempermental and I am having some serious technical difficulties getting a video off my new phone.
Hopefully this will tide you over!
My sincerest apologies for the lack of outfit of the day photos. Our model has been a bit tempermental and I am having some serious technical difficulties getting a video off my new phone.
Hopefully this will tide you over!
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| The only way this 'running to the grocery store look' gets better is when you can see that it's a backless dress... |
We All Need Somewhere To Go When It Gets Too Hard
Finally watched the royal wedding tonight and surprisingly I have to say there were a ton of things I really liked about the ceremony, the whole event really.
Despite myself (because the princess in me wanted them to be all giddy and joyful) I really appreciated their demeanor of sincerity and gravitas. They both seemed to have some sort of grasp on the import of what they were doing. Granted what they are doing is much more weighty than just your average marriage but I was glad to see them approach the whole thing so soberly with just the right amount of well placed grins and hushed asides.
My favorite part (aside from critiquing the fashion, watching the ABC's eyebrows, and eating the amazing caramel rolls my friend made). Was the fact that they didn't mess with the vows but they did compose a prayer together. I found that very impactful. Just the thought that they are walking away from this very important occasion with one concrete thing that they can go back to together in the hard times seems genius to me.
During one of our last conversations when things were clearly coming apart at the seams I finally said to my husband, do you think maybe we should pray together? His answer was that he didn't see any reason we would, or should, or anyway we would benefit from that. I could pray he said, and he would sit there. And so that's what we did.
A metaphor for our whole marriage I guess. And just like before it turns out that when only one person is trying you are both bound to fail.
I really hope William and Catherine have some opportunities to use their prayer (not horrific or devastating opportunities) but there are opportunities to come together in any marriage. What I really hope is that when one of those times comes around, that they both have the presence of mind to kneel before God, together, and begin to work through it. To take that solemn prayer, written when their joy was greater than it may ever be again, and to use that strength, and that joy, and the memory of the amazing community supporting them on that day to get them through.
Despite myself (because the princess in me wanted them to be all giddy and joyful) I really appreciated their demeanor of sincerity and gravitas. They both seemed to have some sort of grasp on the import of what they were doing. Granted what they are doing is much more weighty than just your average marriage but I was glad to see them approach the whole thing so soberly with just the right amount of well placed grins and hushed asides.
My favorite part (aside from critiquing the fashion, watching the ABC's eyebrows, and eating the amazing caramel rolls my friend made). Was the fact that they didn't mess with the vows but they did compose a prayer together. I found that very impactful. Just the thought that they are walking away from this very important occasion with one concrete thing that they can go back to together in the hard times seems genius to me.
During one of our last conversations when things were clearly coming apart at the seams I finally said to my husband, do you think maybe we should pray together? His answer was that he didn't see any reason we would, or should, or anyway we would benefit from that. I could pray he said, and he would sit there. And so that's what we did.
A metaphor for our whole marriage I guess. And just like before it turns out that when only one person is trying you are both bound to fail.
I really hope William and Catherine have some opportunities to use their prayer (not horrific or devastating opportunities) but there are opportunities to come together in any marriage. What I really hope is that when one of those times comes around, that they both have the presence of mind to kneel before God, together, and begin to work through it. To take that solemn prayer, written when their joy was greater than it may ever be again, and to use that strength, and that joy, and the memory of the amazing community supporting them on that day to get them through.
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