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Friday, April 22, 2011
Outfit of the Day
Thursday, April 21, 2011
I still say medicine requires way too much science!
I've had two very vivid dreams in the last 24 hours. I don't actually remember a lot of dreams so it sucks that I have to remember these.
The first one was last night. Just before I fell asleep I was beating myself up over the thing I see as my one really major misstep.
Last summer when my husband told me that he was choosing "his best friend" over his brother to help him drive all of our belongings out in the moving truck I was not clear enough about how I felt. I expressed hesitations to both of them but all of those hesitations together didn't even add up to one solid beating for the bush.
What I should have said immediately and without hesitation was. "If you're driving out with her then don't bother driving out at all."
But I didn't, moment lost. I guess it's good to have at least one solid thing to regret. (over, and over, and over)
Anyway the dream I had right after beating myself up over not following my intuition, was about an issue over which I've had many doctors visits in my life.
I have endomitriosis. But doctors could never figure out why, when I described the pain I was having, I would tell them it was on both sides of my body. I was told over and over again that the pain I was describing was not possible and above and beyond that could not be endometriosis, could not be anything really. As endometriosis is clearly reproductive cycle related and every one knows every woman only produces one egg per month, on one side of her body it was not possible for me to be consistently experiencing this pain on both sides.
I was written off, doctor after doctor, as having imaginary pain. Even when this pain was so extreme it would wake me in the middle of the night and had once left me balled up fetal style in a supermarket aisle. It took a supposed appendicitis which turned out to be an actual ruptured cyst, before a doctor discovered that I release two eggs per month.
Two eggs = two sets of shed cells = the amazing amounts of scar tissue wrapped around organs that "could not possibly be causing me any pain" and most importantly = the reason "the pinchys" were on both sides of my body month after agonizing month.
The dream last night was about a doctor actually putting all of this together and telling me I wasn't crazy for experiencing this pain on both sides of my body.
When I woke up from this dream what I found most interesting was the realization that I'm not alone. Even doctors often think there is one set formula you can expect in diagnosing even the most common illness. All of us focus on the abnormalities to this formula. The ways it cannot possibly be what we can otherwise so clearly see that it is.
I too searched for those abnormalities, ignored that all the walls were in a different place in my house and instead said "look, there are still walls!" ignored that the signs could only be leading to one thing, stuck my head firmly in the sand and went on frantically trying to build the most perfect sand castle ever.
But the pinchy's were there, on both sides and then some, there was no denying that these symptoms could not possibly point to any other illness and sometimes we all (doctors included) just have to go out on a limb, scream out a diagnosis (if that's what it takes) and begin to deal with the problem.
The first one was last night. Just before I fell asleep I was beating myself up over the thing I see as my one really major misstep.
Last summer when my husband told me that he was choosing "his best friend" over his brother to help him drive all of our belongings out in the moving truck I was not clear enough about how I felt. I expressed hesitations to both of them but all of those hesitations together didn't even add up to one solid beating for the bush.
What I should have said immediately and without hesitation was. "If you're driving out with her then don't bother driving out at all."
But I didn't, moment lost. I guess it's good to have at least one solid thing to regret. (over, and over, and over)
Anyway the dream I had right after beating myself up over not following my intuition, was about an issue over which I've had many doctors visits in my life.
I have endomitriosis. But doctors could never figure out why, when I described the pain I was having, I would tell them it was on both sides of my body. I was told over and over again that the pain I was describing was not possible and above and beyond that could not be endometriosis, could not be anything really. As endometriosis is clearly reproductive cycle related and every one knows every woman only produces one egg per month, on one side of her body it was not possible for me to be consistently experiencing this pain on both sides.
I was written off, doctor after doctor, as having imaginary pain. Even when this pain was so extreme it would wake me in the middle of the night and had once left me balled up fetal style in a supermarket aisle. It took a supposed appendicitis which turned out to be an actual ruptured cyst, before a doctor discovered that I release two eggs per month.
Two eggs = two sets of shed cells = the amazing amounts of scar tissue wrapped around organs that "could not possibly be causing me any pain" and most importantly = the reason "the pinchys" were on both sides of my body month after agonizing month.
The dream last night was about a doctor actually putting all of this together and telling me I wasn't crazy for experiencing this pain on both sides of my body.
When I woke up from this dream what I found most interesting was the realization that I'm not alone. Even doctors often think there is one set formula you can expect in diagnosing even the most common illness. All of us focus on the abnormalities to this formula. The ways it cannot possibly be what we can otherwise so clearly see that it is.
I too searched for those abnormalities, ignored that all the walls were in a different place in my house and instead said "look, there are still walls!" ignored that the signs could only be leading to one thing, stuck my head firmly in the sand and went on frantically trying to build the most perfect sand castle ever.
But the pinchy's were there, on both sides and then some, there was no denying that these symptoms could not possibly point to any other illness and sometimes we all (doctors included) just have to go out on a limb, scream out a diagnosis (if that's what it takes) and begin to deal with the problem.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Outfit of the Day
 |
| Esme (not so) politely refused to take part in today's picture so...the outfit for today is for my finger! Got this new ring from Target Boutique...feels better to have not so naked fingers again. |
Pedal Pushers
I realized today there has been one benefit of this extended vacation that I haven't really touched on yet.
While we've been away I have gotten to spend so much good, quality time with Esme. (I don't mean that to be redundant as I think there can be quality time you intend to be good that instead falls flat on it's face when you rush it, or as I do all too often, raise the expectation of the time higher than anyone could ever meet).
We've gone to tons of parks, walked a million city streets, cuddled our way through lots of movies, bonded for hours on end in the car, and today, finally nearing the end of it all we went on a great and leisurely walk.
I will admit the 36 degree temperature was not helpful to the leisurely aspect of it all but the walk was great anyway.
Esme started out riding her new bike and did a great job pedaling and veering, getting distracted by little kid faces in windows, steering her way back on to the sidewalk. I got to teach her how to navigate down a handicap ramp and pedal her way as fast as she could up the other side. My excellent coaching even earned me a high five after she completed the maneuver.
Sooner rather than later the bike was abandoned for an awesome stick she found and just had to carry.
Through the course of the walk she found five sticks in all. Her sweeping stick (one with pine needles attached), her dipping stick (for dipping in the mud puddles), her pretty stick (a dead bunch of hydrangeas blowing along the sidewalk), and her 3 pokey sticks! (apparently poking is a very important task).
Despite my tingling ears I found myself really enjoying the fact that we had no pressing obligations, there was nothing in the world I needed to do or focus on other than my time with her.
I had so much time to focus just on Esme that we could even name her sticks.
This has truly been my favorite part of this entire vacation and if I take nothing else away I hope this feeling sticks with me. (just caught this in the proofread, no pun intended!) I truly want our times to be one of those things that tingles at the back of my brain saying have you lingered together long enough to name any sticks this week? When was the last time you helped her shake the pine needles and rain on the mud puddle? Have you really concentrated enough to turn some small task (like riding a bike) into a life lesson (like pedaling hard enough on the downhills to carry yourself up the steep parts)?
I think these questions are important for any relationship you want to nurture. So how about you all? When was the last time you lingered with the person you love long enough to count the ants or dance in the fountain? Care to share?
While we've been away I have gotten to spend so much good, quality time with Esme. (I don't mean that to be redundant as I think there can be quality time you intend to be good that instead falls flat on it's face when you rush it, or as I do all too often, raise the expectation of the time higher than anyone could ever meet).
We've gone to tons of parks, walked a million city streets, cuddled our way through lots of movies, bonded for hours on end in the car, and today, finally nearing the end of it all we went on a great and leisurely walk.
I will admit the 36 degree temperature was not helpful to the leisurely aspect of it all but the walk was great anyway.
Esme started out riding her new bike and did a great job pedaling and veering, getting distracted by little kid faces in windows, steering her way back on to the sidewalk. I got to teach her how to navigate down a handicap ramp and pedal her way as fast as she could up the other side. My excellent coaching even earned me a high five after she completed the maneuver.
Sooner rather than later the bike was abandoned for an awesome stick she found and just had to carry.
Through the course of the walk she found five sticks in all. Her sweeping stick (one with pine needles attached), her dipping stick (for dipping in the mud puddles), her pretty stick (a dead bunch of hydrangeas blowing along the sidewalk), and her 3 pokey sticks! (apparently poking is a very important task).
Despite my tingling ears I found myself really enjoying the fact that we had no pressing obligations, there was nothing in the world I needed to do or focus on other than my time with her.
I had so much time to focus just on Esme that we could even name her sticks.
This has truly been my favorite part of this entire vacation and if I take nothing else away I hope this feeling sticks with me. (just caught this in the proofread, no pun intended!) I truly want our times to be one of those things that tingles at the back of my brain saying have you lingered together long enough to name any sticks this week? When was the last time you helped her shake the pine needles and rain on the mud puddle? Have you really concentrated enough to turn some small task (like riding a bike) into a life lesson (like pedaling hard enough on the downhills to carry yourself up the steep parts)?
I think these questions are important for any relationship you want to nurture. So how about you all? When was the last time you lingered with the person you love long enough to count the ants or dance in the fountain? Care to share?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
TKO?
I've been thinking a lot lately about the vows I took on my wedding day. I don't know what got me started in that direction but it's been on my mind. I guess it could be that it's less than a month till my anniversary, or it could be seeing a friend struggle through his own anniversary.
In any case.
For better or for worse keeps circling through my mind like the most painful treadmill I've ever encountered, one of those ones that tilts up higher than any hill you've ever attempted in real life.
I've struggled with almost every aspect of the last 6 months of my life. But I really have had a hard time figuring out why I'm not comletely happy to walk away from my marriage.
I feel sure I should be happy to be getting out. I know I'm lucky to be figuring these things out now rather than even later than now.
But really, often, I'm not.
I'm not skipping off gleefully through some field of blooming flowers (that's what I feel like I should be doing). Instead I'm still battling with myself, it often feels like one of those angel on one shoulder demon on the other moments.
Perhaps it's because I don't give up on anything, ever.
But all I can think of are those vows:
"Will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"
This is the first section of the marriage ceremony where you declare your consent to marry. It's that part in the middle that gets me these days "forsaking all others" defined as "renounce or give up". Both very active words.
Your choice to marry that person on that day will require action! at a future date. The action of not choosing someone else (perhaps even 50 someone roses). someone who seems intriguing, easy, or perhaps even perfect.
Then there's the actual vows:
"In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."
This is the part I really struggle with...I vowed, for better or for worse. Yes, I am confident this is worse. But I stood there and promised to take this on. Promised to weather the worse and not leave. Granted I can admit I've weathered a lot of worse in this marriage, but that's not the point. How do I walk away when I stood there, in front of everyone who mattered to me and said "bring it on!"
I've talked about feeling like a failure for where we're at in our marriage, but I think it's even more than that. This is a serious body blow to my pride. The main problem is that I expected some body blows, stood there, in two different churches in front of our community, and God and said I will weather the storm.
I know some of you have been here, know right where I am, how did you work through this? How do you reconcile it to yourself, how do you know when bad is bad enough that it's okay to walk away? If you have no idea but know someone who does...send them my way. I really need some help on this one!
In any case.
For better or for worse keeps circling through my mind like the most painful treadmill I've ever encountered, one of those ones that tilts up higher than any hill you've ever attempted in real life.
I've struggled with almost every aspect of the last 6 months of my life. But I really have had a hard time figuring out why I'm not comletely happy to walk away from my marriage.
I feel sure I should be happy to be getting out. I know I'm lucky to be figuring these things out now rather than even later than now.
But really, often, I'm not.
I'm not skipping off gleefully through some field of blooming flowers (that's what I feel like I should be doing). Instead I'm still battling with myself, it often feels like one of those angel on one shoulder demon on the other moments.
Perhaps it's because I don't give up on anything, ever.
But all I can think of are those vows:
"Will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"
This is the first section of the marriage ceremony where you declare your consent to marry. It's that part in the middle that gets me these days "forsaking all others" defined as "renounce or give up". Both very active words.
Your choice to marry that person on that day will require action! at a future date. The action of not choosing someone else (perhaps even 50 someone roses). someone who seems intriguing, easy, or perhaps even perfect.
Then there's the actual vows:
"In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."
This is the part I really struggle with...I vowed, for better or for worse. Yes, I am confident this is worse. But I stood there and promised to take this on. Promised to weather the worse and not leave. Granted I can admit I've weathered a lot of worse in this marriage, but that's not the point. How do I walk away when I stood there, in front of everyone who mattered to me and said "bring it on!"
I've talked about feeling like a failure for where we're at in our marriage, but I think it's even more than that. This is a serious body blow to my pride. The main problem is that I expected some body blows, stood there, in two different churches in front of our community, and God and said I will weather the storm.
I know some of you have been here, know right where I am, how did you work through this? How do you reconcile it to yourself, how do you know when bad is bad enough that it's okay to walk away? If you have no idea but know someone who does...send them my way. I really need some help on this one!
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Monday, April 18, 2011
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