Bright and early tomorrow morning Esme and I will be on our way back home to Grand Marais.
I'm starting to get a little twitchy about not working and it feels like time to get back to real life.
It's been a wonderful week (while it lasted) of not really having any communication with my husband. It's been a wonderful three weeks of not having to see him.
My stomach is in a cluster of knots at the thought of actually coming to face to face with him.
All I can imagine seeing when I look at him is all his deceit and indifference. I really have no idea how I'm going to fare facing down all that pain. But the day will inevitably come and it, of course, won't be as bad as my imaginings of it. I will go on.
And in the meantime I will deal with the fear of the unknown by making lists and adjusting our daughter's schedule to accomodate our new jobs. By planning for the new apartment Esme and I are moving into and I'll throw myself into a new job or two because that always makes for effective pain management.
So here's the question for today...how do you all deal with pain and fear? What's your best technique? Or better yet...what was your worst technique?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Just don't pick door #3 (that one's a real doozy)
I'm off for one more visit to Philadelphia before we head back to the midwest.
I've decided we should head back before Easter. I've got a new job, and apparently a divorce to get started on.
I feel like there has been something helpful in taking this time to alternately submerse myself in my misery and then find ways to completely forget there is anything to be miserable about.
I definitely don't have any more answers than I did when I came out here (good thing I didn't come here looking for answers) hell, I didn't even come here knowing I should be asking more questions. Learned a good lesson there.
But, better than taking home answers, I'm taking home...a new car! (see if you get the voice over just right it makes me feel like I've been on a game show!) and really, I do have the new car, so bonus for me.
I am excited to make one last attempt at enjoying my time solo in one of my favorite cities (you can add that to the list of things I never thought I'd say, Philly as a favorite city. I guess at this rate it would be right behind my husband had an affair with one of my closest friends, so never say never right?). Here's to hoping I avoid lonesome texting on this round.
I'll be sure to fill you in on how the afternoon went but, in the meantime. What are your favorite ways to spend an hour or two alone?
I've decided we should head back before Easter. I've got a new job, and apparently a divorce to get started on.
I feel like there has been something helpful in taking this time to alternately submerse myself in my misery and then find ways to completely forget there is anything to be miserable about.
I definitely don't have any more answers than I did when I came out here (good thing I didn't come here looking for answers) hell, I didn't even come here knowing I should be asking more questions. Learned a good lesson there.
But, better than taking home answers, I'm taking home...a new car! (see if you get the voice over just right it makes me feel like I've been on a game show!) and really, I do have the new car, so bonus for me.
I am excited to make one last attempt at enjoying my time solo in one of my favorite cities (you can add that to the list of things I never thought I'd say, Philly as a favorite city. I guess at this rate it would be right behind my husband had an affair with one of my closest friends, so never say never right?). Here's to hoping I avoid lonesome texting on this round.
I'll be sure to fill you in on how the afternoon went but, in the meantime. What are your favorite ways to spend an hour or two alone?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thank You For Bein A Friend
I've been thinking for the last two days about this next post.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.
On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:
What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.
What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.
There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.
On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:
This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us
What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.
What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.
There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
One Voice Indeed
Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).
I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.
This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.
This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.
She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."
And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.
But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.
"this is the sound of voices two
the sound of me singing with you
helping each other to make it through
this is the sound of voices two."
It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not. After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).
I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.
This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.
This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.
She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."
And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.
But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Just one of the bright spots
Me: How about you take a nap and then you can play with your new Polly Pocket pool afterwards?
Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?
mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.
Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?
mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.
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