The Tiny Victories are Better Than No Victories At All

I've been feeling very guilty lately for being a bad "blogger".
I have to tell you all honestly that absolutely nothing has happened in my life this week (aside from my complete inability to spell the word absolutely. Someone pour another glass of wine :)  ).
I did start a new job and I have to say that so far it is marvelous. There is a ton to learn, as with any new job. But I am up for the challenge.
So far my favorite of the new work challenges is developing x-rays. Just being in the darkroom takes me right back to middle school yearbook. I used to love developing the photographs. Cropping them, leaving them for the right amount of time in the right solutions. It made me feel so powerful to be able to exercise patience and knowledge and get the pictures to come out exactly how we wanted them...darker or lighter. I still remember that little darkroom in the Seahawk (or maybe Osprey) hallway of Sprinbrook Middle School.
It's sort of nice to enter a mini time machine every time I go down to develop the x-rays. Like I'm sent back to a time when there really were no worries in my life at all. Because honestly I just didn't care if that girl didn't like me. And the one who thought I was a bitch (I know that because she told me to my face) I just didn't care about her at all.
Well the new challenge, in my new darkroom is after the x rays are developed. These days there's a machine to control their time in the proper solutions. But after they come out I have to put them into a sleeve in the proper order to actually resemble the persons mouth. It's like a giant jigsaw puzzle, except there's not picture on the box. The first time someone left me alone to place all of the x-rays, 16 mind you. I thought, there is no way on earth I can get these in the right place. I thought for a moment I might cry.
Then strategic Jennye swooped in, almost like there was a phone booth around or something, and my brain went wait...this is a challenge (cause 'strategic Jennye' speaks only in italics), "I can beat these x-rays and have fun doing it." Now it's my favorite part of the job.
After they're all in the proper little slots (getting them into the silly little slots is no small feat in itself mind you) I bring them upstairs, hold my breath while I put them in the light box, and just hope no one says; "great, but can you swap these two?".
And even if they do I still feel a sense of victory. A week ago I had no idea what dentists were even looking for on x rays...and now I swear to you I looked at a set of x rays today and before I could stop myself I said (out loud and alone in semi dark room) "this guy has great teeth".

So what has your victory been this week? 

I Got Nothin'

New job.
Exhausted.

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We'll talk soon I promise, have you ever known me to stay quiet for long?

Outfit of the Day

A little Easter Joy for everyone:

We got to attend "breakfast with the bunny" thanks to Aunt Shari. Esme's favorite part were the pony rides!

Because honestly, what outfit is complete without a pony?

To Everything There is a Season

(I apologize in advance that this is a long post...if you bear with me I have to say the end result seems so basic but this has to be one of the biggest moments of release and acceptance I've had so far! How's that for a teaser :)  )

I'm finding my current situation especially hard to deal with on Easter for several reasons:
Easter makes me feel I should be ready to forgive (I am just not) I think really that's ok, it's just more difficult in the context of Easter.
Also years ago when we were dating, Easter services were always ones we went out of our way attend together and when we had broken up it was my husbands efforts over an Easter weekend that started to bring us back together.
As this morning's service drew nearer and nearer I started to realize I was holding out secret hope that if he was ever going to come to his senses this would be it.
All of these Easter activities alone with my daughter were one more painful face to face with the truth.
Realistically these are the things that will strengthen my resolve, the things that reassure me I need to separate our lives. The things that convince me "the big D" as Becky called it, is the right direction.

Trust me, I hate that I simultaneously can't stand the thought of my husband but also am longing to talk these things through with him. I hate that I know with every fiber of my being that moving on is the best thing I could ever do, yet still hold out secret hope that there will at least be some sort of conversation before I move on. Love really is just not something you turn off and on like a faucet. I think anyone who says they had no choice but to fall into love with someone new and thus out of love with someone old is wrong. There is choice (like the turning on of a faucet) but the response is nowhere near that immediate. It feels to me like nothing short of sheer force of will (and lots of it) can enable one to move on at any pace other than a turtle's from a truly loving relationship.
So the next painful part, is that that leaves me with two options. Either my husband stopped loving me long ago and fooled me into believing it much longer than I should have, because there was convenience or some other benefit in it for him. Or he is capable of immense cruelty in order to do this to someone he does still love. Either way I have to say there is great cruelty involved. And I guess that is just one more thing I need to use to steel my resolve. Anyone capable of this kind of cruelty is not simultaneously worthy of my unconditional love.

See now I'm back in this vicious circle with thoughts of Easter and how we are called to exactly that. Called to love demanding nothing in return, called to love those who deserve it the least. I'm telling you this is a really big hang up for me.
I feel immensely guilty walking away from that kind of call to love. Just typing this makes me want to march over to my house and say "we committed to this, committed to love, neither of us gets to walk away, there are no free passes in marriage. You fucked up big time (and literally) but I don't care! My job is to love you (as a christian and as your wife) and your job is to love me. Yes it is a job (and I know you're not a fan of those types of inconveniences). But it's a job we committed to and here we are. So let's just suck it up and find a way to do our job!"
All of this seriously reminds me of a time I had an employee call up and fire me as his boss (his not so subtle way of quitting). Not at all to say that either of us is an employee in this relationship but there are just ways these things are done and ways they are not. I just don't like that he gets to walk away. That's not the way it's done!

Ah, but there's the rub it doesn't matter. He has turned off the faucet, fired me, completely walked away. And no matter how I feel I cannot make someone love me. That I guess is where I have to end it. The ultimate answer to why it is okay to walk away.

If he can choose to be done with me than I can also choose to still love him, I just have to do it differently. A variation on turning the other cheek. On this cheek I loved him as a wife and a partner, deeply and truly. He slapped that cheek (metaphorically) right hard a few times.
So now, in order to live with myself I guess the only answer is to turn the other cheek. For me, I have to continue loving him, that is the imperative. But I can no longer love him the way I used to, not if I also love myself. Now I can love him the same way I am called to love that person that makes me crazy in church or on the bus.
On this cheek husband -- on this cheek stranger who no longer bears any resemblance to the man she once loved.
This is the way I can do it. To get here completely will require forgiveness...but I really think this is a start.
And I have to say just reading this over I have a completely different sense already. I think this change of cheeks could be the hardest but most worth it thing I've done up til now. I actually feel an Easter like sense of hope at this idea.
So...share, has there been a time in your life when it seemed impossible but you still turned the other cheek? How did you do it?

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Outfit of the Day

Yesterdays outfit is a blast from the past. Please forgive my lack of timliness. Yesterday's two hour nap was awesome!

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I still say medicine requires way too much science!

I've had two very vivid dreams in the last 24 hours. I don't actually remember a lot of dreams so it sucks that I have to remember these.

The first one was last night. Just before I fell asleep I was beating myself up over the thing I see as my one really major misstep.
Last summer when my husband told me that he was choosing "his best friend" over his brother to help him drive all of our belongings out in the moving truck I was not clear enough about how I felt. I expressed hesitations to both of them but all of those hesitations together didn't even add up to one solid beating for the bush.

What I should have said immediately and without hesitation was. "If you're driving out with her then don't bother driving out at all."

But I didn't, moment lost. I guess it's good to have at least one solid thing to regret. (over, and over, and over)

Anyway the dream I had right after beating myself up over not following my intuition, was about an issue over which I've had many doctors visits in my life.

I have endomitriosis. But doctors could never figure out why, when I described the pain I was having, I would tell them it was on both sides of my body. I was told over and over again that the pain I was describing was not possible and above and beyond that could not be endometriosis, could not be anything really. As endometriosis is clearly reproductive cycle related and every one knows every woman only produces one egg per month, on one side of her body it was not possible for me to be consistently experiencing this pain on both sides.

I was written off, doctor after doctor, as having imaginary pain. Even when this pain was so extreme it would wake me in the middle of the night and had once left me balled up fetal style in a supermarket aisle. It took a supposed appendicitis which turned out to be an actual ruptured cyst, before a doctor discovered that I release two eggs per month.

Two eggs = two sets of shed cells = the amazing amounts of scar tissue wrapped around organs that "could not possibly be causing me any pain" and most importantly = the reason "the pinchys" were on both sides of my body month after agonizing month.

The dream last night was about a doctor actually putting all of this together and telling me I wasn't crazy for experiencing this pain on both sides of my body.

When I woke up from this dream what I found most interesting was the realization that I'm not alone. Even doctors often think there is one set formula you can expect in diagnosing even the most common illness. All of us focus on the abnormalities to this formula. The ways it cannot possibly be what we can otherwise so clearly see that it is.

I too searched for those abnormalities, ignored that all the walls were in a different place in my house and instead said "look, there are still walls!" ignored that the signs could only be leading to one thing, stuck my head firmly in the sand and went on frantically trying to build the most perfect sand castle ever.

But the pinchy's were there, on both sides and then some, there was no denying that these symptoms could not possibly point to any other illness and sometimes we all (doctors included) just have to go out on a limb, scream out a diagnosis (if that's what it takes) and begin to deal with the problem.

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Outfit of the Day

Esme (not so) politely refused to take part in today's picture so...the outfit for today is for my finger!
Got this new ring from Target Boutique...feels better to have not so naked fingers again.

Pedal Pushers

I realized today there has been one benefit of this extended vacation that I haven't really touched on yet.
While we've been away I have gotten to spend so much good, quality time with Esme. (I don't mean that to be redundant as I think there can be quality time you intend to be good that instead falls flat on it's face when you rush it, or as I do all too often, raise the expectation of the time higher than anyone could ever meet).

We've gone to tons of parks, walked a million city streets, cuddled our way through lots of movies, bonded for hours on end in the car, and today, finally nearing the end of it all we went on a great and leisurely walk.
I will admit the 36 degree temperature was not helpful to the leisurely aspect of it all but the walk was great anyway.
Esme started out riding her new bike and did a great job pedaling and veering, getting distracted by little kid faces in windows, steering her way back on to the sidewalk. I got to teach her how to navigate down a handicap ramp and pedal her way as fast as she could up the other side. My excellent coaching even earned me a high five after she completed the maneuver.

Sooner rather than later the bike was abandoned for an awesome stick she found and just had to carry.
Through the course of the walk she found five sticks in all. Her sweeping stick (one with pine needles attached), her dipping stick (for dipping in the mud puddles), her pretty stick (a dead bunch of hydrangeas blowing along the sidewalk), and her 3 pokey sticks! (apparently poking is a very important task).
Despite my tingling ears I found myself really enjoying the fact that we had no pressing obligations, there was nothing in the world I needed to do or focus on other than my time with her.
I had so much time to focus just on Esme that we could even name her sticks.

This has truly been my favorite part of this entire vacation and if I take nothing else away I hope this feeling sticks with me. (just caught this in the proofread, no pun intended!) I truly want our times to be one of those things that tingles at the back of my brain saying have you lingered together long enough to name any sticks this week? When was the last time you helped her shake the pine needles and rain on the mud puddle? Have you really concentrated enough to turn some small task (like riding a bike) into a life lesson (like pedaling hard enough on the downhills to carry yourself up the steep parts)?

I think these questions are important for any relationship you want to nurture. So how about you all? When was the last time you lingered with the person you love long enough to count the ants or dance in the fountain? Care to share?

Outfit of the Day

My little swinger ;)

TKO?

I've been thinking a lot lately about the vows I took on my wedding day. I don't know what got me started in that direction but it's been on my mind. I guess it could be that it's less than a month till my anniversary, or it could be seeing a friend struggle through his own anniversary.
In any case.
For better or for worse keeps circling through my mind like the most painful treadmill I've ever encountered, one of those ones that tilts up higher than any hill you've ever attempted in real life.
I've struggled with almost every aspect of the last 6 months of my life. But I really have had a hard time figuring out why I'm not comletely happy to walk away from my marriage.
I feel sure I should be happy to be getting out. I know I'm lucky to be figuring these things out now rather than even later than now.

But really, often, I'm not.
I'm not skipping off gleefully through some field of blooming flowers (that's what I feel like I should be doing). Instead I'm still battling with myself, it often feels like one of those angel on one shoulder demon on the other moments.
Perhaps it's because I don't give up on anything, ever.

But all I can think of are those vows:
"Will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"
This is the first section of the marriage ceremony where you declare your consent to marry. It's that part in the middle that gets me these days "forsaking all others" defined as "renounce or give up". Both very active words.
Your choice to marry that person on that day will require action! at a future date. The action of not choosing someone else (perhaps even 50 someone roses). someone who seems intriguing, easy, or perhaps even perfect.

Then there's the actual vows:
"In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow."

This is the part I really struggle with...I vowed, for better or for worse. Yes, I am confident this is worse. But I stood there and promised to take this on. Promised to weather the worse and not leave. Granted I can admit I've weathered a lot of worse in this marriage, but that's not the point. How do I walk away when I stood there, in front of everyone who mattered to me and said "bring it on!"

I've talked about feeling like a failure for where we're at in our marriage, but I think it's even more than that. This is a serious body blow to my pride. The main problem is that I expected some body blows, stood there, in two different churches in front of our community, and God and said I will weather the storm.

I know some of you have been here, know right where I am, how did you work through this? How do you reconcile it to yourself, how do you know when bad is bad enough that it's okay to walk away? If you have no idea but know someone who does...send them my way. I really need some help on this one!

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Outift of the Day

On our way to the Waterpark!

On the road again

Bright and early tomorrow morning Esme and I will be on our way back home to Grand Marais.

I'm starting to get a little twitchy about not working and it feels like time to get back to real life.
It's been a wonderful week (while it lasted) of not really having any communication with my husband. It's been a wonderful three weeks of not having to see him.
My stomach is in a cluster of knots at the thought of actually coming to face to face with him.
All I can imagine seeing when I look at him is all his deceit and indifference. I really have no idea how I'm going to fare facing down all that pain. But the day will inevitably come and it, of course, won't be as bad as my imaginings of it. I will go on.
And in the meantime I will deal with the fear of the unknown by making lists and adjusting our daughter's schedule to accomodate our new jobs. By planning for the new apartment Esme and I are moving into and I'll throw myself into a new job or two because that always makes for effective pain management.
So here's the question for today...how do you all deal with pain and fear? What's your best technique? Or better yet...what was your worst technique?

Outfit of the Day

Fairy Toungkerbell?

Just don't pick door #3 (that one's a real doozy)

I'm off for one more visit to Philadelphia before we head back to the midwest.
I've decided we should head back before Easter. I've got a new job, and apparently a divorce to get started on.
I feel like there has been something helpful in taking this time to alternately submerse myself in my misery and then find ways to completely forget there is anything to be miserable about.

I definitely don't have any more answers than I did when I came out here (good thing I didn't come here looking for answers) hell, I didn't even come here knowing I should be asking more questions. Learned a good lesson there.

But, better than taking home answers, I'm taking home...a new car! (see if you get the voice over just right it makes me feel like I've been on a game show!) and really, I do have the new car, so bonus for me.

I am excited to make one last attempt at enjoying my time solo in one of my favorite cities (you can add that to the list of things I never thought I'd say, Philly as a favorite city. I guess at this rate it would be right behind my husband had an affair with one of my closest friends, so never say never right?). Here's to hoping I avoid lonesome texting on this round.

I'll be sure to fill you in on how the afternoon went but, in the meantime. What are your favorite ways to spend an hour or two alone?

Outfit of the day 4/14/11

Pretty in Purple

Thank You For Bein A Friend

I've been thinking for the last two days about this next post.
Unfortunately I've been so exhausted I haven't gotten my act together to actually write it.
Esme and I went back into Manhattan for a couple days and had a great time enjoying the sun, the parks and time with Uncle Steve, Auntie Anna and YaYa.

On the way into the city I listened to the same Wailin Jennys CD I talked about in the last post.
This time when the song One Voice came on I found myself listening closely to the fourth verse:

This is the sound of all of us

Singing with love and the will to trust

Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust

This is the sound of all of us

What hit me more clearly than ever is that I need to be done wasting time and energy on the one friend who has chosen to leave, has so clearly decided to be the opposite of a friend.
It is not only a waste but says all the wrong things to the rest of you.

What I have realized again and again throughout this process is how lucky and blessed I am. There are so many of you who have supported Esme and me in so many ways.
I think every single one of you reading this blog has in some way grealy impacted my life recently.
Whether you've called or e mailed, shared your home or vehicle, offered to move me out my old house or threatened to move me into an asylum if I so much as think about going back.

There is no way I could feel more loved or supported than I have in the last few months. I want each and every one of you to know how much I appreciate that.

One Voice Indeed

Had a great lunch with a friend yesterday and it got me thinking about a lot of different things.
One of my favorite parts (in retrospect) was when he asked me how I don't cry myself to sleep every night. Driving home I realized the real answer to that question; that would be such a waste when there is so much good reality television that needs watching.
And really when I can watch other people's insane dramas it is so much easier to believe mine are not that big a deal.
But...it always comes back, and he's right this time it is a big deal.
On the drive into lunch yesterday I was listening to a Wailin' Jennys cd (to know me is to know I love The Wailin Jennys almost as much as The Gilmore Girls). The beautiful song One Voice came on, it was a really hard moment for me.
Almost one year ago five of us went to a Wailin Jennys concert together right before I moved away from Philadelphia. That concert was the first time I heard this song. "His best friend" was one of the people with us at this concert. The song is about how we can all come together and truly help each other.

"this is the sound of voices two

the sound of me singing with you

helping each other to make it through

this is the sound of voices two."

It was such a hard reminder that someone I expected to be there for me. Someone who I expected to be there for myself is completely and totally not.
After lunch I spent some time walking around the city, wandering through my favorite stores.
I didn't intend this, but halfway through I realized this was an activity I would normally have done with her. The plans I had tried to make to go out for a drink with friends were plans I would have made with her too.
So, of course I did the only thing someone like me would do...I e mailed her. (this is a perfect opportunity to utilize the comments section...feel free to tell me how crazy you think I am, I can handle it).

I may or may not have mentioned that previous to this I've sent her two texts. Neither one was cruel but they were both honest and painful.

This e mail was the same. As much as I hate it, it has continued to be important to me that she know how I feel. I'm sure part of me hopes that if she can remember some of our time together, our previous conversations, that people other than she and my husband have feelings, then maybe she will snap out of this.

This hope is not because I want my husband back. I have seen and heard a lot of truth in the two months we've been apart, I am fully convinced that he has no interest in anyone but himself, there was no happiness to be found anymore in our marriage and it was a horrible environment in which to raise our daughter.
My hope for this friend is that she will not waste all the years that I did figuring this out. That she will realize not only can you not succeed at making him happy, but he is so wrapped up in himself, and at this point in his own self destruction that he will bring her down with him.

She responded to my e mail with one of her own and the last line in her e mail was:
"Thank you for e mailing me. I don't expect you to want to have anything to do with me, but if you want to talk I am here."

And so I got sad again, I would love to talk but I have nothing to say that she would hear. It gives me hope, to know that she would even talk to me, makes me want to believe she's not bought into all his lies.
Realistically I'm back at square one. I'm not sure our e mails accomplished anything. But as I said in my e mail to her "I hope there will be a day when we can move past this and speak again." I'm confident that day will not come anytime soon. I'm nowhere near close to forgiveness.

But then again neither of them have asked me for it and as the same friend reminded me at lunch, one thing that tends to help in the process of forgiveness is someone desiring it. Maybe by then I'll be ready.

Just one of the bright spots

Me:  How about you take a nap and then you can play with your new Polly Pocket pool afterwards?

Esme: Weeelll mama, I have an idea, how about if I play with the Polly's beforewards?

mutual giggling ensued...followed by much use of the word beforewards for the rest of the day.

Anyone know where they keep the fun around here?

I'm at a loss for how to begin processing the last few days.
I decided I needed to stay here at my brothers for a few more weeks to try to distance myself from all the pain, and craziness going on at "home".
I am truly ready to begin moving forward but that feels like an impossibility when I still don't know the truth of the past. Husband still isn't speaking to me other than to send hateful and mildly threatening text messages, and those sure aren't helping me process.

When I told him I needed to stay here longer he threatened to "arrange for somebody to come pick Esme up and drive her back" that made me so frustrated. He's going to feign this great concern for his daughter but really he can't even pull that off. Every time he expresses concern for her it's concern that he might not get his time with her, even that isn't about her, but about him. And then when he takes this concern to the extreme instead of coming to collect her himself (which would demonstrate his ultimate concern) he intends to arrange for someone else to come.  Anyone else vote that he's probably sending "his best friend"?

Then when I make it clear that it is not an option for me to send her back to his world of lies and confusion his response is to ask how I would feel if he took her on an extended trip.
There was only one response I wanted to make to that statement. Since I know it wouldn't have helped I resisted...but I have to get it out of my system here.

How would he feel if I had been sleeping with someone other than him for the last 1 - 4 - 6 - 8 months?
Probably not as bad as I feel knowing he was and I guess that's the whole point.

I've truly done nothing throughout this process but show concern for his and Esme's well being. He refused to move out and really wanted the house...I didn't care because I can create a home anywhere (note the last 8 years of my life). I gave him the house.
He wanted to disappear and told me flat out he didn't care if he ever saw his daughter again.
I finally faced off with him, stuck my foot in the door when he tried to slam it in my face, and told him straight up that would be one of the worst decisions he could make (too bad I didn't already know about the worse decisions he had made).
I encouraged him to stay, by giving him the house he wanted and encouraged him to spend all the time he wanted, 2 days and 3 nights a week with his daughter. Even though all of you saw how much those days and nights killed me.

When his girlfriend moved in for her extended visit I put Esme's well being first by refusing to let her spend the night in the house with them, but still sent her there for two day long visits with them. I still wonder if I made the right choice since she came home from the first day and announced to a room full of friends that "daddy was having a sleepover just like she was. Daddy was sleeping with (insert "his best friends name here)".  Then she came to me in tears confused about why this person was sleeping in mommy's bed with daddy.

There are some things you just never anticipate having to explain to your 3 year old.

So through all of this I have explained patiently, and tirelessly that I am now trying to protect my daughter and I from this continuous stream of bad decisions.

And now I need a break! I need a few weeks of fun, a few weeks to think about what I want out of life rather than react to what he wants. A chance to take Esme to parks, play with her, love her and have fun.

And all he's willing to give me is the threat of a lawsuit. Boy did I pick a winner or what?

Home Reno at its worst

Yesterday was officially day of exhaustion.
I feel emotionally, physically, mentally worn out.
It was raining outside. Esme and I spent a lot of the day cuddling on the couch watching movies.
I figure the healthy cuddling negates the unhealthy tv watching (you have to do what it takes to get through these things).

Anyway I'm officially tired of feeling ill and unsettled. I'm really ready to move on, I just have no idea how one even begins to do that. There are a few things lately I've been thinking about in hopes that they'll help me move forward.

One of the things is that I've been reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed. I know it may seem like a strange choice but I'm enjoying her research and thoughts on how marriage has evolved. Early on in this blog I talked about how all I really wanted was a partnership. That's something she talks about in this book quite a bit. If you talk with people from other cultures you can see how they don't expect their partners to fulfill or complete them. Marriage always used to be, and in many cultures still is a partnership necessary for survival. There was one section where she talked about the women working together all day and families sleeping entirely in one house (like 11 members of a family in a 2 room house). I kind of like this thought that just like raising a child, having a successful marriage also takes a village.
When a number of people in your "village" stop supporting your marriage it will have negative consequences.
In my life it only took two people wavering in their support and the sad thing is that the downfall of my marriage has also had negative consequences on my village. That is the part that I am really sad about. (as if losing my husband wasn't enough).

Lately a number of my friends have also been expressing to me their thoughts on whether or not men and women can actually be friends. There was another great section in Committed where she talks about a well known researchers approach to knowing if your relationships are healthy.
She described a marriage as a home with walls and windows. The walls are the supports you and your spouse have built for your marriage and the windows are the places where others are allowed to enter your relationship. If you start sharing things with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse you essentially replace one of those walls with a window. Sensing that the integrity of your home's structure is becoming comprimised you build a wall between you and your spouse to try to salvage it.
In the end, with all the movement of walls and windows you've rebuilt your whole house and you, and your spouse find yourselves in a completely foreign environment.
And from my experience you're a bit confused about how you even got there.

I have to say that has been a huge analogy for me. As I read it I could see where the extra windows started breaking through and I could identify the times when my husband built up extra walls to try to keep things "normal". What a painful realization this was. At the time I told myself we were still living in the same house so things must still be okay, ah if only I had known.

The post where I mention S-E-X

This post comes with it's own warning...There may be some things here you don't all want to think about.
My goal with this blog is to be honest, both for myself as a record of where I've been, and for anyone else who may end up where I've been.

Okay...I'll just get the awkward part over:
I woke up this morning from a dream that I was having sex with my husband. Nothing very risque but I woke up feeling happy with a feeling that was like, finally, this is where I've wanted to be, he does care for me.
Then as soon as I snapped fully awake my first realization was that he was more than likely having sex with someone else, perhaps even right at that moment.
All of a sudden it felt like I was waking up from someone elses dream.
It was like a slap.
Nothing like waking up with that kind of reality thrown in your face.

I'm sure these moments are inevitable and once I got over the shock of the slap I was able to move on relatively quickly.

I'm not sure if it was looking over and seeing my daughter next to me, knowing that the only reality I need is not going anywhere anytime soon.
Or if it was the realization that those moments were not the important ones in our relationship.
Or maybe, most importantly it's starting to sink in that nothing...not even brief moments of feeling loved, feeling like I was the most important person in the world to him. None of that was worth the rest of the constant pain and feelings of failure.

I feel like such a sharp pain is easier to move on from. The dull constancy of knowing that another woman is sleeping in my bed is almost more than I can bear. But the intense and fleeting realization that what I'm dreaming she may actually be experiencing was somehow easier to cast aside.

I guess really I just want to acknowledge that there are these moments. Will be these moments. Some easier to handle than others, but I will have to find a way to move on from them. I will be stronger and a bit happier every time I move on from one of them.

Hate it when I get something wrong. Just need you to know it's definitely track 10 on Be OK that's the dance party.

I just want to be ok today

I didn't intend to blog this weekend but I have to share that today was an even better day than yesterday, if that's possible.
The sun was shining, we played in Central Park, did some walking around the city, had a wonderful lunch with friends and family then the best part of the day:
Esme and I rocked out to Ingrid Michaelson in the car on the way home. We even had a dance party in the driveway.
I had no idea Ingrid Michaelson was such a good soundtrack for my life right now but I really enjoyed her cd a friend burned for me.There is just the right amount of upbeat and heartbreak songs. You and I (track 12)was the dance party inspiring song.
Driving home at the end of the day I felt joy, peace, sunned and free. I can't actually remember the last time I felt as light as I did driving my own car and enjoying music I had chosen and the company of my daughter.
I know that I am on the verge of having no plan for my life and I know how much that should terrify me, it does terrify me a little. But mostly I feel like everyone's right. I need to take some time, do a lot of thinking, analyzing, pro/con listing and figure out what it is I want and need from life.
It's a lot to figure out. I don't expect I'll have many questions answered immediately but I am definitely warming to the idea of taking some time to start asking the questions.

I really do hope you all are enjoying your weekend as much as I am. I'm sure I'll need some prayers tomorrow morning as we visit our old church. I expect there will be some questions waiting there for me as well, and those aren't the kind that will have easy answers either.
For now at least I feel refreshed and ready for the challenge!

the Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomond

We're here...in the city that never sleeps! And ironically enough last night was my first good, uninterrupted night of sleep in at least two weeks. Was it the vodka? The city sounds? The three am bedtime? Ours is not to reason why :)
It feels so good to be here, even walking around the city in the rain feels marvelous.
There's only been minimal drama, who knew the drama could even find me here?

We spent today with our friends Yaya (esme's nickname for her), Sara and baby Ingrid, we went to this really great kids spot called Moomah. Esme did an art project, then both girls played in the funky forest, this really great room where the kids can channel the LED water splashing all over the floor. By using pillow "logs" they have to get the water over to one wall where it helps the trees grow. Then they stand in front of that wall and their movement gets the the trees to grow...I have no idea how they do it but it was super cool and they both really loved it.

Next we wandered on the streets the 1.5 miles home. Stopping in stores, only nearly freezing to death, annoying the important manhattanites by walking side by side with our strollers. It was a nearly perfect day. Sun would have made it perfect, but as we all know a girl can't have things too perfect.

I felt beyond blessed to have the support of two great friends today, but especially my best friend since the fourth grade. I have always felt truly blessed to be surrounded by numerous wise and involved women and today took that to the nth degree. Sara listened, vented (just a tiny bit), supported me, listened some more, offered her wisdom, and then invited us to stay at her house! Who could imagine a better friend? I certainly could not and I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

Having her with me was especially perfect timing since I got an e mail from "his best friend"'s husband last night, followed by one this morning. His e mails have confirmed much of what I've suspected/known. I wish that made them less painful but I suppose there's nothing that could do that. He has no animosity toward me, I am actually shocked at the lack of animosity he has toward his wife.

I have to say that in all of this I have been pretty proud of myself for the high road I've taken. I haven't resorted to any name calling, have always taken the time to respond to all communications calmly. Have at every turn asked myself: "Is this what I want to see when I look back at this situation. Is this the reaction I want to remember myself having. Will this response make the future Jennye proud of the past Jennye?"

Before tonight I would not have thought there was a higher road I could be taking. But talking to him was somewhat astonishing. If there is a higher road he has found it. The love and concern in his voice for his wife was inspiring and saddening all at once. We had to agree that this is a miserable situation with no happiness around for any of the parties. And still he has forgiveness in his heart for what she has done.

I can only wish I had come that far.

But for now, on to more adventures. I'm going to spend tomorrow just simply enjoying the city. I'm not going to think about any of this, I'm going to try to stop feeling ill, I'm going to love my daughter and revel in family.

I hope you all have plans to have a marvelous weekend as well!

Flying High

Yesterday I attempted to post via my phone for the first time.
As many of you have seen and commented that didn't work so well.
(despite the text I got from blogger saying "Success! Your post made it to your blog.")

So what it was supposed to say:
If you've flown as much as I have you have many habits and routines that are part of every trip to the airport.
One of my routines for the past 10 years has been to call my husband from the gate to say goodbye. So here I am sitting at the gate, waiting for our flight and you guys will have to be my last call instead.

Esme and I are headed to the East Coast. By tonight I will be eating a Cobb Salad at my favorite restaurant. Tomorrow we will walk the city. I promise to have fun, post some more lighthearted and enjoyable content for you all to read, I'm even going to try to take some pictures!

Try not to miss us too much, we'll talk soon!